Quarantine Zone Established on Mac Field

MAC FIELD – Excitement swept Grinnell this week with the announcement that the Mac Field fence, historically lambasted as a useless and permanent leftover of the geothermal well project, will be repurposed for the administration’s new health campaign.

“We wanted to take radical steps to improve the overall wellness and safety of the Grinnell community, while also sticking to the great liberal arts tradition of interdisciplinary cooperation. So we’ve been doing math and talking to history majors, and we’re proud to announce Mac Field’s grand re-opening as Grinnell’s first flu-quarantine colony,” said SHACS spokesman Roger Sherry .

Sherry explained that SHACS will be closed for the next two weeks as nurses extract students with symptoms from standard quarantine and escort them to their new home, where they will stay for the duration of flu season. “We want to be humane as possible, so twice a day we’ll have staff toss food packages over the fence. There will be a scanner installed on an extension cord so patients can scan their p-cards before fighting over the rations. We expect it to be a big step forward in self gov.”

Reactions to the announcement have been mixerd. The non-Midwestern critics worry for the flu-wrought student’s safety in the torrent of the subzero hellscape. When confronted with this dilemma, Sherry replied “It’l bring down their fevers! And, if we expected them to survive the flu we wouldn’t be quarantining them to begin with.” He then quickly added “Wait, that was a joke. Ha ha!”

Which leads to another concern: the ever-present pit in the back corner of the field. Unverified rumors identifying it as anything from an oversized latrine to a mass grave have been flying, though SHACS has denied all claims. Follow-up concerns about flu patients infecting the geothermall wells, and thus threatening the wellfare of the College’s most important priority of Construction, have remained unaddressed.

Some students have more personal objections to the plan.

“I think if they’re gonna do this they ought to paint over the windows in d-hall.” Said Robin Mcguire ’20, whose preferred lunch seat faces the field. “I don’t want to watch flu victims freeze to death while I’m eating, what if the snot freezes? Gross!”

That’s not to say that the announcement was universally reviled. Despite vocal opposition some students, particularly the healthy ones in North Campus, were excited about the project.

“I think it’s great.” Said Conner Bradley ’21. “Those nerds over in Norris can’t even hear the construction screeching, they deserve to be kept up all night by coughing. Smug, well-rested pricks.”

Maria Renaldo ’20 was also pleased by the decision to remove sick students, particularly her roommate, who has been confined to their room for three days. “I’m scared to breath or sleep, I spent last night in the JRC massage chair. First thing I’m doing when she’s gone is scrubbing the room with Lysol and moving to the good bed. I warned her to get a flu shot.”

Unfortunately for its proponents, the project has no current plans for future adjustments. Still, Mr. Sherry encourages anyone who has anything to say about the flu colony to come to a Q&A on Monday from within the safety of the JRC window-glass. “Particularly if this affects you personally. Unless you’re literally infected. Then, sorry, but you’re going in the pit.”