Presenting Hotel Grinnell

HOTEL GRINNELL – After nine years of construction, Hotel Grinnell and the City of Grinnell finally tied the knot last Thursday, and the hotel is now open for business. The hotel features furniture made of reclaimed parts of the junior high school that used to be in the same building as well as other industrial-chic amenities.

“I wanted it to be a normal-looking hotel with normal furniture in every room—I wanted the chic part but not the industrial thing—but the City was all like ‘You need to respect me and my tastes. You never listen to me, and how come you always mysteriously get sick and say you should stay home whenever we go to see my parents?’

“God, I don’t know why they had to bring that up? Their parents make me get sick. Why can’t they just understand that?” said the Hotel.

Asked why it took nine years for the Hotel and the City to get married, the City said that after the Hotel and the City met at ‘80s Harris at the College, it was a long time before they officially became ‘a thing,’ which lengthened the courtship period.

“We met September of second year, but even though we kept spending time together, we didn’t start dating until fall of fourth year,” said the City.

The Hotel said their not into labels.

“I’m not into labels,” said the Hotel.

Relationships are social constructs,” said the Hotel.

“God, you took one sociology class and now all you do is interject bullshit about social constructs and our cis white het neoliberal patriarchy into normal conversations when you don’t even realize that as an econ major working at some cloud-based, big data, fintech startup that makes its money investing in exploitative companies and looking the other way, you’re the embodiment of it,” said the City.

“Oh yeah well at least I make enough money to be able to afford all of your single-sourced, Fair Trade, intersectional crap!” said the Hotel. “Whose money do you think paid for all of that steampunk-meets-Ikea furniture?

The Hotel says in their ideal world, the rooms would just have dorm furniture from the College as well as posters of the Beatles, Pulp Fiction, and Tupac.”

With such differences in taste, it is hard to understand why the City and the Hotel ever ended up together.

“I think I can change them,” said the City. “I can change their ways through the power of my design. Plus they’re not all bad; they shop at Whole Foods and they voted for Hillary.”

Though most who were interviewed at the ceremony expressed happiness that at least nine years of uncertainty had come to an end, many expressed doubts about the likelihood that the union will last.

Ivanti Wells, an attendee, said, “I don’t think it’s going to last long at all. The City is not right for the Hotel at all and vice versa. Before you know it, the Hotel will leave the City. Which is fine, I mean, obviously a newly constructed building has to do what is best for them, but it kind of leaves the rest of us hanging. We’ve spent nine years on this crap trying to make things work between them.”

Wells continued, while snacking on jordan almonds, “Oh well, you can’t fight love, baby.”