Harris Predicts Global Horrors

Above: The exterior of Harris as students meet to plan the theme.

HARRIS CENTER – This past weekend, Grinnell’s SGA All Campus Events Committee was faced with an issue. Although Harris parties are typically associated with fun, tragedy struck only hours before the dance.

“We were so excited about this week’s zombie-themed Harris,” Mariah Chance ’18, All Campus Events Coordinator, stated. “Unfortunately, there was a zombie outbreak in Oklahoma on Saturday, and a bunch of bunnies became zombies who ate their owners so that kind of soured the dance for everyone.”

Inexplicably, ever since the beginning of the Fall 2018 semester, each Harris theme has run a terrifying parallel to a natural disaster or some other calamity happening elsewhere.

“Every week, we sit down and talk about what the topic should be,” Abby Lee ’20, Harris Theme Liason Executive, stated. “By Monday, we have our decision for the best Harris ever. But once the theme’s been decided, you can bet that something crazy will happen.”

For example, the Wizard of Oz themed Harris was dampened when a tornado struck Davenport, IA on the Thursday before the dance, causing the disappearance of cattle as well as half of the state’s Pizza Ranch chain locations. Another Harris, Dance Marathon Harris, took place three days after a Florida ballerina collapsed from exhaustion and dehydration. And on the eve of 80’s Harris, all of the octogenarians in Poweshiek County disappeared.

Some students see this series of unfortunate co-occurrences as insensitive programming; SGA maintains they are mere “correlations.”

“I just don’t get why every time there’s a disaster, there’s a Harris that celebrates it,” Jenna Prink ‘18 stated. “Like, what’s next, a Trump Harris? A Squashed-Cake-in-a-Jar Harris?”

Others are concerned that there are mysterious forces at play; that all parties, once decided, are doomed for eternity.

“I used to get really excited about Harris. But nowadays, I worry that they’ll choose Disney as a theme and then Disney World will spontaneously combust! We need Disney World!” Jackson Shayne ‘21 said. “A Harris is a wish your heart makes, and my heart is broken.”

Taking advantage of his grief and fury, Shayne assembled a new Task Force: SPWH (Students to Protect The World from Harris.) However, their sole meeting thus far was cancelled.

“It was at Bob’s,” Shayne wept. “But we’d forgotten that Bob’s was shut down! And we couldn’t agree on a good time to meet!”

The majority of former campus partygoers have decided on boycotting Harris until further notice. “As much as I love sweaty pizzas and people, I don’t think those things are worth risking the death of another subset of grandparents if we go ahead with Disco Harris,” said Jesse Fisherwood ’19.

A small faction of students is taking precarious advantage of the current curse. One member,

who wishes to remain anonymous, wrote in a memo: “We’re trying to find untraceable marketing

tactics to advertise the upcoming Harrises: ‘Homework Harris,’ ‘Construction Harris,’ and

‘Concerned Administration Harris.’ Except, we’re not sure if that last one will reverse anything,

because you can’t really reverse something that doesn’t exist.”