Time for internships
Above: A student uses their CLS time turner to intern with Karl Marx.
CLS – All students interested in full-time work after graduation, read on: Today, the CLS announced its new Summer Internship Program.CLS representative Holden Anders ‘88 tells us the program incentivizes students to start their outreach as early as possible by literally asking them to do it in the past.
“What we’ve accomplished here is nothing short of revolutionary. We give these lucky students the chance to travel back in time just so they’re able to sign up for our most unique and interesting programs that increase your chances of getting a generic office job straight out of college.”
The program, acronymitized SIP, proves its worth with the cool slogan: “Take a SIP!”
The CLS has revealed it plans on encouraging students to begin their internship application process literally last week. Students are recommended to drop everything: Nothing is more important than the CLS and your internship is the highest priority of any self-respecting Grinnellian.
Sources tell us the CLS plans on offering students devices not unlike the “time turners” featured in the popular young adult Harry Potter novel series, written by J.K. Rowling. The kickoff Yule Ball yielded mixed results from students. Andy Wambach ‘20 was there. “It was kind of nice, I guess. They had treacle tarts and stuff. Somebody threw this plastic necklace thing at me and told me it was a time machine. I thought they were talking about laundry. So that was weird, but I got free food, so I’d call it a success.”
When asked about whether he had tried to use the necklace, Wambach told us he had not, before fiddling with the device and disappearing in a cloud of smoke.
Some students have signed up for this program because they appreciate the aesthetic beauty of the necklace. “It reminds me of something, but can’t remember what. I guess it’s in the past” said Ashley Eggert ‘21.
Students who had previously taken advantage of this program in its trial run were confident in its rollout. Despite the extreme aging, there were few, if any, complaints. Regina Laud ‘19 raved about her summer internship in Germany in the 19th century. “It was totally amazing. I got to watch Karl Marx write some books and stuff. I don’t know what it was but it was super cool. Something about means and production, but I’m no econ major.”
Amy Schwartz ‘18’s distinguished internship program in the Jurassic period took her to the nest of a Pterodactyl. “I couldn’t recommend it enough. I almost died a couple of times and I had no human contact for months, but I got to see frickin’ dinosaurs.”
The CLS confirmed that its time travel system is meant for applications only, but the student body has found other creative uses for these devices. There is documented evidence of Grinnell students dining at the Last Supper and taking a shot with Winston Churchill.
Despite this, the CLS has been adamant in continuing the program, telling students to “just fill our your applications. We’re so tired. Please.” As of this time no applications have been filed.