Sub-Filled Housing Introduced

Above: A dorm in West Campus.

ATOP SOUTH LOGGIA – Grinnell Administration Announces New Substance Filled Housing Dorms.

In an email sent to all Grinnell college students and faculty, the Grinnell administration announced plans to immediately open a new dorm complex reserved for substance filled housing, which will cater to the needs of students who regularly use mind-altering substances of all sorts. “Grinnell has always strived to meet all its students’ individual housing needs, from single sex floors to sub free dorms,” said the email. “But recently we in the Grinnell administration have realized that we have not adequately been serving the needs of the section of our student body who want to get absolutely wasted every single night.”

The planned West campus will be both inside and on top of the South loggia. According to the administration, this strategy will save on construction costs. “We’re out of construction workers, so we thought we might as well take advantage of an existing space. Plus students can use the bathrooms and laundry rooms in South.” The dorm on top of the loggia is named Cheech Cottage and the dorm inside the loggia is named Chong Hall.

When asked about the name, Joe Harrison ’19 answered that “Josiah B. Grinnell told us to go west, and we know what he really meant. And if you didn’t know this already, everything is west of something.”

No walls have been built – students just spread their sleeping bags out throughout the loggia and across the roof. “It builds community and it’s a protest against Trump,” said Hannah Jones ’20. “And the circulation really helps to air out the permanent Rolling Rock aroma.”

West campus CAs have a “tough job,” according to Quinn Miller ’18. “I don’t know how to teach everyone to safely take ecstasy, and I can’t believe that I have to spend my entire budget on LCD testing kits. And my RLC is always smoking grass.”

Future plans for West Campus include a more permanent structure. The lounges are planned to be bigger than those in other dorms to make room for beer pong tables. In place of more conventional kitchens, the lounges will feature a combination mixing station and meth lab. The college also announced that campus safety will be doing regular sweeps of the lounges on weekend nights, throwing out any student whose blood alcohol content is below .1%. The buildings will be built in 30 years when other current construction projects are finished.