College Discovers Endowment is Actually C$1.80
Above: The college's endowment, located in a special room in Fort Knox.
FORT KNOX – Students and trustees of Grinnell College were shocked to learn the college’s endowment is not $1.8 billion, but C$1.80 – that’s a buck-eighty in Canadian dollars.
“This was an honest mistake on our part,” financial officer Laura Ziolkowski said in a statement, “We had to adjust for inflation as some of our funds were raised through bootlegging CDs in the ‘90s and we also had to convert the currency from Monopoly Money to Pounds Sterling to Canadian Dollars to US Dollars. Regrettably, we forgot the US Dollars part. Our accountant is from Ottawa. It’s a clerical error.”
Rumor has it the extreme miscalculation is the result of an even more troublesome mistake made by the financial office. When calculating the total funds, an individual allegedly carried too many zeroes while doing long division.
“Even a middle-schooler can avoid doing that,” said the source. “They thought they could remedy it by dividing by zero, but that obviously didn’t work. They just gave it their best guesstimate.”
The mistake was realized when an administrative assistant went to Kum & Go to buy lunchtime tornados for a staff meeting.
A kind employee informed them that not only was it not enough to purchase two tornados but also that Kum & Go doesn’t accept foreign currency.
In the wake of the scandal, the financial aid office is scrambling to cover the costs of the CLS. Faculty salaries and student scholarships were the first to be sacrificed.
“Mistakes were made,” said College President Kington. “This simply means we will have to raise tuition again and increase the volume of phone calls to alumni begging for money. Except now, our student callers don’t have to feel weird about it because we’re actually broke.”
To jumpstart the fundraising drive, the alumni in town for Volunteer Weekend won’t be allowed to be leave before donating their most recent paycheck.
“It’s worth noting that $1.80 in Canadian dollars is worth about $1.53 in US dollars,” said the guy in your Econ class you can’t stand. Actually, C$1.80 is worth $1.41 in US dollars.
Whether the dining hall will continue to provide personalized napkins remains to be seen. However, Kington noted that Norris and East Campus will now be on more equal footing with the rest of campus when their air conditioning is shut off to cut costs.
When asked how this realization will impact the divestment struggle, Kington declined to comment.