A modest proposal to fix social security

According to recent polls, Americans are living fourteen years longer on average, retiring three years earlier, and consequently spending roughly twenty years in retirement. If this trend continues, those currently contributing to Social Security may never get to assume the role of the receiver. In response, The Social Security Administration, therefore, has proposed the protection of the “American Social Safety Net” to which they expect no objection.

This solution will change America’s current demographic considerably while simultaneously showing America’s elders how much they are valued by society. To this end, the SSA decided it will present retirement age citizens with dining vouchers to fast food chains along with their monthly Social Security check. It has been calculated that, if the elderly population eats a consistent diet of fast food, the life expectancy should drop from 78.7 down to 66.9, the same as it was when Roosevelt was president, thus making increased taxes on the youthful population unnecessary.

America’s greatest scholars have resoundingly concluded that the fast food initiative will serve the best interests of all. Daniel Lieberman, an evolutionary biologist at Harvard University, has confirmed that our desire for foods that contain sugar and fat in particular are just as antiquated as our current Social Security law. “Sugar is a deep, deep ancient craving”, he says. Sugar and fat are what people crave most, at any age, and it is the generosity of the United States government that is going to ensure that the cravings of senior citizens are satisfied as quick as their timely deaths.

Because 45% of retirees expressed they are worried about covering basic expenses on a “Ready to Retire” survey, the initial free meals will keep elderlies just healthy enough for a brief interlude prior to the delivery of the more lard-laden meals. That way, they’ll be able to fit in that one last trip to Florida before they kick the can.

The new SSA policy will also be good for capitalism: Fast food chains are undoubtedly anticipating a huge rise in stock. “We couldn’t be more thrilled!”, exclaimed Daniel Schwartz, CEO of McFry Foods. “We used to feel almost guilty about poisoning America, but now we can pay it forward by serving the elders the right way, and do our part to help our country work its way through this fiscal dilemma”.