Flu Shot Turns Students into Zombies
Above: A group of zombies on South Campus right before they pursued the photographer across campus.
SPREADING ACROSS CAMPUS – In the weeks since the flu shot clinic, students who received the flu shot are beginning to notice that they are now zombies.
“Originally, I thought I was a zombie due to lack of sleep and excessive work. Turns out, I’m actually a zombie because I’m no longer human and crave the sweet, sweet taste of brains,” said Alex Jordan ‘18, who recently joined the ranks of the undead.
“Apparently, when SHACS was pushing for students to get inoculated against the flu, they actually wanted to create a small army of zombies who meditate mindfully Mondays at 4:30, visit the Great Barrier Reef twice weekly, and enjoy the taste of human flesh,” said an administrator who was pretending to be a zombie in order to avoid their inevitable demise at the hands of the undead.
The campus climate has been bleak, according to the surviving students. The weather has gotten much colder, and hundreds of infected students have been slowly walking through campus in droves, moaning about how they would like to snack on brains. Students who are not zombies are hardly to be seen.
“I know I said I wanted to study the brain, but not this badly!” exclaimed a neuroscience concentrator, who admitted that she was woefully unprepared for fieldwork.
Curiously, none of the students in the biochemistry major had elected to get the flu shot.
Once a channel of communication had been established with the major through their Cold War style bunker underneath Noyce, they admitted that their most recent project in their biochemistry class was actually just engineering a zombie virus that could be administered through the flu shot.
“Our professor told us it was a great way to get real-world experience in biochemistry. We obviously didn’t take her very seriously. None of us thought we knew what we were doing, but it sure looks like we did,” said a fourth year biochemist fearfully. “But hey, look on the bright side: we all just got A’s on our project! It’ll be worth it if this helps me get a good rec for grad school.”
Naturally, the few students who were not peer pressured into getting the flu shot have set up a camp on South Campus.
“The whole ‘lock up South Campus to keep people in’ is pretty sexist, but it’s really been quite functional since the flu shot zombie apocalypse. We’ve been able to keep the zombies out with a pretty high degree of success.
“Plus, South Campus has most of the supplies we’ve needed thus far. The vending machines here are well-stocked with some pretty good selections, and there is weed for DAYS. I’ve never felt more relaxed about my imminent death!” said a first-year, who admitted that they thought college would turn out a bit differently.
While some faculty have been infected with the zombie virus, most managed to avoid it, especially after SHACS ran out of flu shots during the faculty flu shot clinic.
“I knew something was a little suspicious when SHACS sent that ‘one hundred extra flu shots’ email. They’ve never cared THAT much for our health before. It all just seemed a little fishy to me,” said a psychology professor, who was attempting to barricade their door against less-fortunate, zombie colleagues.
“Several of us got together and decided we would not get the flu shot, since we all felt a little weird about it. Yeah okay, I admit it. We threw some of the mansplaining faculty under the bus.”
Only one student who did not receive the flu shot has not been infected with the zombie-virus.
“Yeah, it’s true that I’m not a zombie, but I also have the actual fucking flu.”