Trustees make surprise drag cameo

HARRIS–This weekend, in a profoundly extra last-ditch attempt to “get to know” and “relate to” current students, the Board of Trustees shocked and awed the campus community with a surprise Drag Show cameo.

“What better way to end a whirlwind week spent avoiding face-to-face conversation with current students than unsolicited overstep of everyone’s comfort level, body-to-body?” said an elated trustee, Lina Khoury ‘83, immediately following the unprecedented performance.

There have been no indications of any student having prior knowledge of the Trustee’s Drag Show performance until it was actually happening.

After the final student performance, “Beyonce KnowS My D”, the Drag Emcee Jayme Goelzer ‘18, not knowing what was to come, came on stage to give closing remarks. But then, “All the lights went completely dark. I couldn’t see anything—until all of a sudden, I saw everything,” explained Goelzer later, as they had been kicked off the stage by an unidentified knee-high leather boot. (Goelzer is currently recuperating at GRMC for minor injuries.)

Within moments of Goelzer’s downfall, the lights returned with a striking, unsettling glow. The Trustees, of which there were more of than anyone would probably guess and all of whom were wearing exclusively vintage lingerie, were literally everywhere—strutting up and down the stage; hanging from the ceiling in custom-made straps; gyrating mostly-unselfconsciously alongside the curtains; tearing down the streamers with the rage , and taking even more money from students than necessary. “WOOOO!” woo-d the trustees.

Reportedly, no one in the audience besides a few poorly-disguised administrators returned the Trustee’s “woos!” or any other otherwise affirmative utterances. But this did not appear to stop the trustees from attempting to “connect with students in candid setting,” as stated by trustee Karl McSheeran ‘79 in a memo that nobody read until it was too late.

“I thought our performance was good,” said McSheeran, post-Drag. “We know that the two biggest things that students care about, apart from academics, are one, having fun, and two, the Divest campaign. So, we figured, OK, let’s strip down to hit the first goal. Then we covered our bodies in oil because why the fuck not?”

“I gotta say, I think they got a kick out of my rainbow brooch. Also, I’m really proud of our song choice—’Call Me Maybe’ is a favorite of my grandchildren,” said Helen Fisherman ‘69.

When pressed for comment on the Trustees’ unapproved use of her song, Carly Rae Jepsen responded with a single broken-heart emoji, then dissolved indefinitely into a cloud of glitter vapor.

Student reactions to the Trustee Drag Debacle has been mixed.

“The fact that they combined the beauty of drag and the repulsiveness of using capital to encourage fracking companies to continually destroy the world repulsed me,” said Madison Bootz ‘19.

On the other hand, first year Bill Nunez responded positively. “In the name of honesty, I was turned on by the hot oil dripping down Mr. Thomas’ leg and leather boot. It was so sexy that for a moment, I forgot that Mr. Thomas consciously made the decision to destroy our mother Earth, the only one we have, in the name of capitalism. Scrumptious.”