Serial killer strikes
GOLF COURSE – Editor’s Note: This was just slipped under the door of the newsroom, and was originally for the Scarlet and Black. Also, I think I know the guy who posted this because he tripped over his laces and ate shit on the floor before running away sobbing.
In a shocking departure from the dull routine of the normal school year, the body of a student was discovered last Wednesday on the golf course during a routine cleaning operation.
The body was found on the putting green place in a deliberate manner loaded with deep significance. However, the police refuse to comment on the artistry left behind, something which they will dearly, dearly regret.
The Police have not confirmed the identity of the body, but if I were to hazard a guess, I’d think it was Alex Mariano, Class of 2019, vice leader of the debate team, vice-captain of the school’s water polo team and all around waste of space.
The body was found by Constance Monroe, the Golf Course groundskeeper.
“Yeah, it was some pretty grisly stuff”, she claims. “At first I figured it was some student crashed out after an all-nighter during the break. I didn’t even realize they were dead until halfway through the day.”
“You see a lot of things on a golf course in a small town like this. And I can honestly say that all in all, this kill was definitely one of the more amateurish kills I’ve seen lately.”
She’ll probably be next when the killer strikes again.
No eyewitness account exist from that day, but some say that they saw an incredibly handsome man with eight-pack abs and chiseled glutes stroll past their house while carrying a shovel and a bloody kitchen knife.
So far, no connection has been made to the other undiscovered bodies hidden at the bottom of the pond at the Golf Course, but those were only practice kills, so they don’t count.
Fellow Grinnellians, and also townspeople - please be wary of this hyper-aware and savage killer, who may also be a charming genius in disguise.
He’s may be in class with you right now. Maybe they’ll be reading this article, chuckling softly as people gaze on in awe and horror at the beautiful brutality that he’s caused.
And maybe, just maybe, they’ll be out to get YOU.
So be scared.
But also impressed.