facebook post changes the world

THE NET – Brendan Johnson, a third year philosophy student, recently wrote a post on Facebook that has taken the world – both real and internet – by storm.

“Yeah, when I saw a heated Facebook debate, I figured it was time for me to do my civic duty as a Social Justice Warrior. I typed out a response that I knew would turn heads and make people change their minds,” they said proudly after being featured on multiple news platforms such as Snapchat and Twitter.

The post gained attention rather slowly. However, after a few hours, Johnson had received over one hundred likes, and at least five “wow” reacts. Upon reading their post, most students at Grinnell reported a sense of rebirth and enlightenment. Many even dropped out to reflect their new understanding of the surrounding world.

“I’ve never read anything like it. It really just made me see the error of my ways, and gave me the appropriate tools to fix what I was doing wrong,” stated a newly enlightened Carly Treemont, a first year who is now woke.

The post also significantly impacted a substantial portion of Grinnell’s faculty and administration. Many professors quit their jobs after realizing that the Facebook post contained all the information a college student would ever need to know.

“This really is quite amazing. This student really, truly does have all the answers. Mostly, in the humanities, we like to ask more questions, but I don’t think we will ever need to ask questions again. This post answers all of them,” exclaimed a religious studies professor in awe.

Administration also admitted the error of their ways upon seeing the post, and immediately reopened Bob’s and Lyle’s and canceled the alcohol policy. They also have begun a new policy in which new decisions are only made from trending Facebook posts. Many upper level administrators agree that Johnson what prompted the change.

“Such a smart, insightful post. We can only hope to see similar suggestions in the future,” said an anonymous administrator, basking in the glow of the miracle.

Johnson will be awarded an honorary doctorate and deliver the commencement address at graduation, even though they won’t have graduated by then.

Cliff Harris ’19 mentioned that this was no surprise. “I saw this coming. You know Brendan. They’re always on Facebook during class. I’ve actually never seen them not on Facebook.”

Johnson’s philosophy professor echoed this sentiment. “I was going to fail them because they browse Facebook and never participate, but now I realize that they are participating-radically.”

Hailey Moat ’20 has joined Facebook upon learning of this post. “I used to be too cool for Facebook, but now I know better. I’ve seen the light. And it’s blue.”

Rumor has it Facebook already offered Johnson a prestigious internship for next summer worth somewhere in the neighborhood of $30,000. Company officials yearn to probe Johnson’s mind.

Mark Zuckerberg has promised to open a campaign office in Grinnell when he runs for President. In fact, he’s openly considering inviting Johnson to join his ticket as Vice President.

Johnson has not been able to provide any information about the next steps that they will take on Facebook, deciding instead to keep the world guessing.

“I might post something life-changing again. Or a video of four puppies playing. Be on the lookout for both,” they said with a newfound glimmer of triumph.