D-HAll table reunion causes panic


Over fall break, the dining hall tables held a family reunion. This family reunion took place in the dining hall and involved all of the tables coming together in full agreement of each other’s spatial existence.

“We decided to just clump together in the center of the hall,” the table formerly near the condiments explained as she and her fellow tables sat together. “And then we forgot about moving back.” Now, discussion between the table is round and egalitarian, and no one dominates it, or silences anyone else. “It’s been kind of nice, actually,” said the table.

However, when students returned from break, there was an outcry of blatant rage in response to the tables’ constructivism.

“Now, it’s just so hard to find a place to sit that makes me stand out!!” Carolyn Champaign ‘18 groused as she stood fuming in the center of the dining hall. “I guess I’ll just sit out instead.”

“I really preferred the older table configuration,” said everyone. “But instead of acting like those dumb tables and forming a coalition, I think it’s much better to divide ourselves up amongst who’s argument for the same outcome is the best.”

Some students like Champaign, who felt the need to be surrounded on all sides by 10+ people who hold the exact same worldview, retreated into the wail room to lament the new reality of having to sit with others. “Why, old Sport-O why did you do this to us?” they implored the tables.

“I usually eat at the table in the third row, second column to the right, closest to the disemboweled Mac Field, but unfortunately, that table is now at the center of the clump, so I have to sit at a new table that looks for the most part, not that different from the original one. And I fucking hate it.” Carolyn explained.

The feeling was mutual. One introverted table stated: “I miss the quiet students, who probably still exist, but I haven’t heard much from them because I’m stuck in this clump with other tables. And now all the seats, included mine, are occupied by multiple overextroverts who are constantly arguing over us.”

Apparently, the only individuals who were pleased were the Dining Hall staff.

“To be honest, we thought it was kind of cute that the tables all got together and supported each other,” Dining Hall Supervisor Janine Martcan said, mystified. “But OK, if everyone seems to not like it, we’ll just move them back!”