Santa Klaus Visits Grinnell
Above: Santa Klaus flies above campus, looking for nice departments and offices.
CAMPUS SKIES – This Christmas, Grinnell College is getting a visit from Santa.
“I was sitting at my desk, just filling out student appointment forms when I looked up,” Stacy Grant of SHACS stated.
“This man was standing above me, holding a giant green bag.”
Recently, SHACS has been struggling with a lack of telepsych appointments, which Santa purportedly took note of.
“We did write a letter to our investors, and we’ve been using phone-a-thon to call alums.” Grant said.
“It’s been a very stressful semester for students, and although we’ve been trying to help them, we’ve had to resort to incredibly useless bulletin boards detailing the importance of sleep.”
Unfortunately, there have been no sightings of Santa Claus. Luckily enough, Santa Klaus, who holds an M.D., MBA, and PhD, stepped in for Santa Claus.
“Santa Klaus said that we had been very nice and started giving us flavored lube packets, Milka chocolate bars for the waiting room and a yearlong subscription to Paper magazine. But we really need more telepsych appointments,” Grant explained.
At 3:30 AM and PM, he dashes around campus, throws bottles of Soylent and 5-Hour Energy at especially tired-looking students, and then runs away.
“I mean it’s nice,” India Chance ‘21 said as she rubbed her eyes. “But couldn’t he give us a few more hours of sleep instead? Or less homework?”
Klaus also gave each dorm fridge a gallon of eggnog and a ten-pound fruitcake.
However, the fruitcakes were replaced with coal when a student threw one of them through a window during a particularly rambunctious round of beer die.
Many students and professors are incredibly concerned that Santa Klaus is giving gifts that people don’t really need while simultaneously ignoring necessary gifts. However, asking Santa Klaus for different gifts typically results in a very cold response.
“When he gave us a box of danishes, we asked if he could give us funding for another tenure-track GWSS professor instead. He just yelled ‘Naughty!’ and ran away with all the danishes,” GWSS Professor Jean Carter.
“The next day, we found out that our events budget was slashed in half for next semester.”
“Is he Santa’s brother? Is he Santa’s father? Is he secretly...the Santa Clause?” Julia Choi ‘18 shook their head.
“Maybe he’s just Krampus in disguise, but I didn’t see any horns.”
Klaus’s wardrobe, which is almost like that of the real Claus, is basically the same but with the red velvet switched to scarlet and the white trim.
Santa Klaus also wears a $400 pair of red shoes rumored to be the eponymous Christmas Shoes.
“It just seems like we could’ve used the money to buy bagels for Bob’s. Or provide a few more telepsych appointments,” Chance explained.
“Oh well...we can’t really complain or he’ll take all the gifts back.”