Reasons to Love the Patriarchy
This week we have another special guest article written by our visiting intern Thomas Miller, of Breitbart News.
During these turbulent times, it’s hard to remember what’s right and wrong in the world. Especially difficult is the horde of SJWs who try to convince us honest, hardworking Americans that we’re doing something wrong. They say that the patriarchal system oppresses people and should be dismantled. Well, here is my message to them, clearly detailing why the Patriarchy should be accepted more into our lives.
1) It has a nice ring to it
Just sit back for a moment and say the word Patriarchy. Let the sweet sounds roll off your tongue. Patriarchy. Doesn’t it sound comforting? It reminds you of patriotism, paternal figures, and patronizing old people. Let’s follow the Department of Defense’s lead: if the name sounds nice, it must be a good thing.
2) More dates, more fun
We all know that nice guys finish last. These days, men face tragic issues like getting turned down from dates they obviously deserved and lesbians stealing their girlfriends. Why don’t we make dating easy again? With the support of the patriarchy, we can all have the ease of men rampantly hitting on women, and women being pressured into putting up with it.
3) It creates JOBS
You hear everybody complaining about unemployment. What if only half of the population applied for jobs? With only men in the workforce, getting employed is very easy. Plus, women can stay at home and be lazy all day, with only the small task of taking care of children and doing housework. Since this helps both men and women, the only two genders in existence, the Patriarchy helps everybody.
4) Keep it simple, stupid
People have all these weird, convoluted views of how to decide who gets power and wealth and equal representation. The Patriarchy has a clear answer for all this, and doesn’t bother with subjective talent or work ethic. Let’s keep it to the wealthy heterosexual cisgender confident able educated neurotypical documented old white men with supportive families and no history of prior trauma, class struggle, legal misdemeanors or depression, and we have an easy answer. It makes perfect sense if you don’t think about it.
5) Why change when you could not?
If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Americans have somehow staggered their way through this many years of existence, so we must be doing something right. Let’s stick with what we know and trace back to our traditional heritage of complete female and racial subordination. Since there’s nothing too obviously wrong about this, let’s leave it unchanged and relax a little.
6) Don’t worry, be happy
We’ve all been there before: our Facebook news feed is full of sob stories instead of cat videos, our TVs show us riots when we want Breaking Bad, our politicians speak about gender inequality when we want to hear about tax cuts. Why not just pretend that these admittedly tragic things don’t exist, and think about something we can blissfully enjoy instead? Now wouldn’t that be the life.
7) Because I’m telling you
Take it from a white guy: I know what’s best for you. This is why white men need to be elected more into political office, because we represent what’s best for all of America. So trust me on this.