CLS Takes over college

ACROSS CAMPUS – “It has come to our attention that the CLS serves every need that this student body has. Pretty much every part of Grinnell falls under the “Careers, Life, and Service” umbrella. Therefore, we will be turning all college operations over to the CLS,” said RayKay in a much-publicized statement last week.

According to RayKay, CLS will now completely control recruiting and admissions. Prior to committing to Grinnell, high school seniors are required to decide whether or not they will be attending graduate or professional school after Grinnell. Upon making the decision, students will be handed a graduate school prep timetable and will be told to get started. Financial aid will only be given through the Watson Fellowship or the Fulbright Grant.

During break, students are now required to either host or attend an alt-break trip. If a student does not participate, the Service and Social Innovation team will forcibly remove them from the college.

Classes at Grinnell will be remodeled to focus on professional development. Rather than taking exams or turning in papers, students are now required to regularly turn in an updated resume that uses action verbs like “assemble” or “collaborate.” Every class is required to have at least one career community advisor in attendance at all times to remind students to focus on professional development. Just last week, as one mathematics professor began to describe integrals, a CLS advisor spoke up to remind students that a summer internship is integral to a student’s college experience.

The CLS will also be taking over the other sectors of student life. There will only be two ways to eat in the dining hall: students can either sign up for an hour-long appointment to eat, or they can receive a boxed meal from outside the Grille for an hour at noon. The dining hall recommends students begin signing up for appointments now, as slots fill up quickly during midsems week!

Additionally, most Grinnell merchandise has been remodeled to represent the CLS. Rather than saying “Grinnell College,” the dining hall napkins provide a list of transferrable skills that liberal arts students have. All plates in the dining hall will now be replaced every month, and each will have the complete CLS calendar printed on them, in an attempt to get more students to attend professional development workshops.

Along the same vein, all Harris parties will now have “transferrable skill” themes. Instead of the wild, sexually charged “Fetish Harris,” the CLS will be hosting the equally wild and perhaps equally sexually charged “Proficiency With Computer Software Harris,” during which students learn how to use Excel and Powerpoint.

Even athletics are now under control of the CLS. Rather than getting a workout while playing their sport, athletes now get a great workout typing cover letters as fast as they possibly can.

“The CLS is such an important part of campus that we had to make it all of campus,” said an administrator who is also your career exploration adviser. “In a few years time, hopefully students will understand that the CLS is really the only part of the campus that matters. Have you set up your LinkedIn account?”