Drunken Decimal Mistake Increases Tuition

BURLING LIBRARY – In the recent weeks, the Grinnell Administration has made some moves towards finalizing and implementing the newest tuition increase. As an attempt to improve moods and increase general jollity, the Grinnell tuition negotiation typically takes place in a hotel conference room over a weekend. This year, however, the administration decided to have the budget meeting on campus.

“Since the temperatures were so low, we decided to throw a lock-in in Burling Library. That way, we could all hang and talk about how exciting the tuition hike could be. We also had a ton of pizza and beer!” Ilana Glantz, financial administrator, stated. “Unfortunately, we may have partied a bit too hard.”

An increase in class fees shows that the tuition has increased by 9%.

“We only meant to increase it by .9%,” Glantz explained. “Our endowment is just so great that we thought we’d be able to cut the students a break this year. But instead the tequila spoke for itself and now we are.”

Unfortunately, at the party, one professor made a drunken suggestion that the tuition be raised 9%, allowing the college to finally purchase its dream investment: a Keurig Magic machine for every professor’s office. The Keurig Magic is considered the premier coffeemaker, brewing cups with a hint of ice cream flavoring.

“We figured that students might enjoy a nice cup of coffee with the refreshing taste of ice cream, especially during office hours. A good old cup of ice cream can really brighten a student’s day!” Glantz stated. “Ever since we replaced the soft serve with ice cream scoops, we’ve had students complain how much they miss eating ice cream. Apparently the scoops are hard to use?”

Many students are annoyed at this increase, but are also incredibly intrigued at the chance to eat ice cream again. Ever since the ice cream machine has been replaced by the scooped ice cream, student morale has decreased on campus.

Fellow student Grace Myers ‘21 is angry over this tuition increase, as well as its cause. “The fact that they’re blowing it on ice cream is stupid. We could use a new sub free dorm.” she explained. “I can’t even eat ice cream because I’m lactose intolerant!”

Glantz is confident that many students won’t notice the increase in their tuition.

“You win some, you lose some,” Glantz stated as she served herself a bowl of coffee-flavored ice cream. “Hopefully the students won’t make a huge deal about it!”