Campus Security Tries Fascism

BURLING – Last Sunday, two Campus Security Officers, Lolly Shaw and Turkus Martin, left Burling library at 12:45am after escorting students out before closing.

“We only needed to forcibly drag two students out by the arms as they shrieked for dear mercy,” said Officer Shaw with surprise. “But we won’t be so gentle next time,” said Officer Martin.

Burling bookworms were not pleased.

“Those fifteen minutes are when I get all my work done,” said Ngyuen Lee ’18. “Like most students, from 7:55pm to 12:45am I pick up books and throw them on the floor, hide under desks, vandalize the bathrooms, and smell my friends. Now, I have to finish my work earlier, so I can pants the officers and unleash my wrath on them.”

The Officers acted in accordance with the first phase of President CarlyRaeK’s renewed “Imin Secure” initiative, which begins with imposing a police state, or as the President described it to students, “a big warm blankie for the whole wide campus, so everybody’s nice and safe, and sleepy, in my big, warm blankie.”

“Students are exhibiting too much adult freedom,” said Shelby Rose, the head security officer. “Last year, we shut down drinking, but students are still studying, eating, and using the bathroom with relatively little preapproval from the CA, RLC, or even signed permission form an academic advisor. There’s no accountability!”

Campus Security Officers reported forty-nine infractions, thirteen of which ended in arrests this week. Justice on such a grand scale reflects a paradigm shift from the top-down. Students may never have been so secure in Grinnell history.

“We’ve been flirting with the literal antithesis of self-gov lately,” said President CarlyRaeK on Monday, suggestively batting an eyelash. “I just bought subscriptions to Dictator’s Digest and Fascist Praxis. Are You an Awesome Authoritarian Emperor or a Totally Totalitarian Tactician? I’m a Dangerous Despot!”

President CarlyRaeK mandated maximum disruption to students, but because there are only four officers, and officers must work in pairs for their safety, the College bought two four-million dollar golf carts—or as they’re now called, GoldCarts. The carts barely fit one officer, move up to six miles per hour; and are outfitted with gold-stained baby mobiles of President CarlyRaeK’s face.

When summoned, a unit arrives at its destination in no less than 30 minutes. Officers use low-tech walkie talkies—shouting incoherently from far distances—to coordinate security actions.

For some, this security comes at a cost.

“When a tiny golf cart with two burly bodies bursting out approached me sitting on the street late at night,” said Macey Rodgers, ’20. “Then, they accused me of smelling beer underage three weeks ago and threw me in the penitentiary before I could say Fuc-! Joke’s on me for looking up at the stars and contemplating life’s great mysteries, guys. Great job.”

Not all actors affected by the “Imin Secure” initiative are aware of its systematic, institutionalized nature.

When interviewed for a statement, Lolly Shaw and Turkus Martin said, “What!? What!? Get closer, we can’t tell what you’re saying from over there!”