Actor Quits for Reasons Other Than Sexual Assault

Above: Filming continues with Port replaced by a cardboard cutout. Netflix is proud to state that neither of the unpaid child workers in this photo have been accused of sexual assault.

YOUR COMPUTER SCREENS – Following October’s Kevin Spacey scandal, Netflix was hit with a second bombshell this Wednesday when another one of their lead actors left the Entertainment Company under startling circumstances.

Dave Port, one of the stars of the Netflix original series “Odder Occurrences” left the company this week, citing “unpleasant working conditions.”

“It’s a lot of little problems that added up, I think,” Port said in his statement.

“Creative differences, random pay cuts, fifteen hour shoots without breaks, that kind of thing.”

If this is true, the resignation is a bold choice for Port, who as it stands is the first well known celebrity in six months to leave his job without a sexual assault or harassment lawsuit. And strangely enough, there is no evidence to dispute his claim.

Netflix spokespersons have thrown all of their support behind the difficult to believe claim that prior to his departure Port, a 40-plus relatively famous white man, did in fact manage to make it through two seasons of a show without groping or harassing his co-stars. This Netflix Spokesperson stated that this is the first time this has occured in the twenty years of the company’s history.

When asked personally if his departure would be linked to a future reveal of an on set scandal, Port repeated his previous rationale for leaving.

“Are you kidding? No! Why would you even ask that? I just didn’t like my job. The producers kept thinking it was funny to lock people in a closet with all the monster props. Have you ever been pressed against a life sized model of a Demogorgon for three hours?”

The Demogorgon statue could unfortunately not be reached for comment.

Grinnell Alumni, Cathy Stansen ’10, camera person on set of Odder Occurances, did comment, however.

Stansen, an oddly successful liberal arts alum commented from Port’s “Congratulations on Escaping” party.

“When I got the memo I was certain that it’d be the same thing it always is. Normally right now I’d be making all kinds of statements about how startling and tragic the revelation was. I have a list of public statements in a folder on my computer ready for when the news breaks that my gross male colleagues have done something horrendous. This is a really nice change of pace. I didn’t even have to check the celebratory cake for drugs. We’re all so grateful to Dave.”

After a few glasses of champagne, she added “To be honest, I went ahead and just used a cardboard cutout for the rest of his scenes for the next episode. I’ve used it five times since for the rest of episodes in the season, but so far no one seems to care. I’m getting worried someone higher up will notice soon though.”

Back on campus, Grinnell’s resident Netflix addicts took the news with mixed disappointment and relief.

“Obviously I’m disappointed about Port leaving, but I won’t let it distract me from what’s really important,” said Cheyanne Khatri ‘19.

“There wasn’t sexual harassment this time! When I saw the headlines I was terrified that I’d have to pretend to have never liked the show. Or tear up all my fan memorabilia like I had to do with Louis C.K. It is exhausting listening to his stand up in constant fear. But once I realized it was just regular extreme worker abuse I was so relieved. I have a bunch of “Odder Occurrences” posters in my room. I don’t know how I would have ever convinced my roommate I saw it coming all along.”

Despite the obvious shockwaves of this revelation rocketing across the nation, Port himself remained calm in the wake of his fans’ outbursts. “I didn’t do this to try be a rebel or anything, or to try and make a statement. I just wanted to see my family again. I haven’t been off set for over a year now.”