Just Listen, Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone, by Mark Goulston, Foreword by Keith Gerrazzi, author of Never Eat Alone and Who's Got Your Back, Amacom, 2010
In Memory
"If you listen for hurt, fear, and pain or for people's hopes and dreams, it is nearly always there. And when the other person feels you listening and feeling them, they will let down their guard and open their minds and hearts to you." - Edwin Shneidman, pioneer in the field of suicide prevention, founder of the Los Angeles Suicide Prevention Center, and cherished mentor
Goulston's Dedication to his mentor at the beginning of this classic book says it all. The art of listening may not really be an art at all, but a learned skill at which some of us excel. Goulston explains that the art of listening is quite different from upshifting, pushing to get an answer, the result of which is more resistance.
Instead, the author offers listening techniques centered on this process: listen, ask, mirror
, and reflect back what you heard. To further strengthen the practice of learning to listen, here are Goulston's nine rules to reach anyone: 1. move yourself from "Oh F#" to OK"
2. Rewire yourself to listen
3. Make the other person feel "felt"
4. Be more interested than interesting
5. Make people feel valuable
6. Help people to exhale emotionally and mentally
7, Check your dissonance at the door
8. When all seems lost - bare your neck
9. Steer clear of toxic people
Rule #8 "When all seems lost - bare your neck, " and 9."Steer clear of toxic people" are my personal favorites. Goulston's toxic people section stands as recognition of the types of toxic people who will inevitably intrude on our lives - needy people, bullies, takers, narcissists, and yourself - and the challenge of handling these people or getting them out of your life entirely - performing what Dr. Goulston calls a jerkectomy!
For example, bullies. The author offers some unusual advice for bully defense: -
When a bully tries to intimidate you with a verbal attack, strike back with your body language. Make eye contact. Stand up straight, be relaxed, and cock your head as if you're listening, but not very hard. Let your arms hang casually, instead of folding them defensively across your chest. Act polite but ever-so-slightly bored, as if your mind is elsewhere. Often, this unspoken response makes bullies feel uncomfortable or even foolish and causes them to back down.
This book is filled with other valuable, clear advice, as well as practice tips and great story examples. For more on this book, check out AMACOM.
Mill Girl Verdict: A - A classic, worth re-reading every two years!