F*ck Feelings

F*ck Feelings, One Shrink's Practical Advice for Managing All Life's Impossible Problems, by Michael I. Bennett, MD and Sarah Bennett, Simon & Schuster 2015

Hard as it was for me to get past, never mind type, the book's title and its blinding yellow cover, the sub-title tells all.  This is actually a refreshingly different strategy to get through life as a human, with feelings - not thumb sucking, and not medicated to oblivion, these two shrinks offer us a guilt-free, quicker method to recognize and move on.  Move on.  Move on.

For example, 

How do I become a more positive person?

a.  Surround yourself with positive people.    Engage in uplifting conversation and choose an environment where you can flourish.

b.  Say no to negative thinking.  Greet everyone with a "yes" and a smile.

c.  Bear the pain of living with ugly feelings rather than attacking yourself for having them or attacking others to escape them.

d.  Make a list of everything and everyone you are grateful for.  Whenever ugly thoughts disrupt your mind, stop and reread that list.  

If you are forced to live with hate, yearning, envy or fear, respect what you do with your feelings, not what they do to you.  Don't let them distance you from your usual goal of avoiding unnecessary conflict at home, making a living, and being a good friend.  

The more you remember your goals and respect your restraint, the less power your negative feelings will have to shape your actions and reduce your self-respect.  You can't control your negativity, but you can keep it from controlling you.  

So what the authors are suggesting is that we recognize and allow our feelings - they will come through anyway, no matter how hard we may try to avoid or block them!, but don't go into deep long-term analysis trying to understand their source, fix them, recolor them, etc.  etc.  - in other words, "F*ck them."

Here's another goodie:

How do I change the one I love?

a.  Don't be shy about asking for what you want.  All relationships operate under the laws of give and take.  Its their turn to give and yours to take.

b.  Accept people as they are, without necessarily being able to live with them.

c.  Set a good example.  Be the change you want to see in your partner.

d.  Sometimes all it takes is a little faith and nurturing energy.  Believe your partner is already motivated, confident, and successful.  Your belief will be the motivation they need. 

Love is wonderful when you don't have to work at it and mutual acceptance is taken for granted, but love like that is reserved for fiction, pets, and inanimate objects.  In real relationships - ones that involve work, kids, and another human - its a bigger achievement to smile and keep your mouth shut about things you can't accept or change, and have decided, for good reason, to bear.