As a Russian-born Jewish poet, I have for a long time been an adherent of Romanticism. One aspect of Romantic philosophy is glorification of sex. In fact, I have discovered that sex cultures tend to become very stupid. I once overheard a man in San Francisco ranting about how some gorgeous woman was with an “ugly Philipino shrimp motherfucker.” At the local pub the guys talk about sex all day long referring to it as “going boom-boom inside a woman.”
My former wife got involved in that scene when she was younger, and many people saw her as a slut. I do not see her that way. I see her as a capable woman who got involved in something bad. Her mother was crazy and violent; and she, like many attractive women from “that side of town,” was prey to a number of creeps who took her down a bad path.
Now I have had sex with some absolutely magnificent women. But for me it was not only about sex. I also cared about them as people, which most men who are part of this culture appear not to do. Some people think that there's something wrong with loving a woman if she is beautiful. I do not see how that can make any kind of sense at all. Being physically attractive does not mean not having other good qualities. All women in my family are attractive, and they are also good people. And no, I do not lust after them.
Is sex good or is sex bad? I think that it is a matter of the situation in which it is expressed. When I asked people at university about casual sex, they said that it was not worth it. I was not cool enough to get casual sex, and I think that that is a blessing. Instead I had relationships that meant something. And that is a much more valuable thing to have.
One woman that I was with asked me how could I care about her if I wanted to get into her pants. I told her that that is a horrible way to think. Why on earth would the two be incompatible with one another? What this kind of thinking would do is lead people into sexual relationships with people they do not care about – relationships that, being what they are, can only turn abusive or exploitative. Meanwhile they would instill the so-called “nice guys” for counseling and friendship; who, when passed over by them for sex with men whom they consider to be jerks, will turn – and have turned, on the Internet among all places – misogynistic. I think that I am not the only person who agrees that this is a stupid way to live.
Sex, as such, should not be glorified. It leads to stupid cultures. It leads to teenage pregnancy. It leads to abusive and exploitative situations. However sex within the context of a loving relationship should not be seen as a bad thing at all. I did not marry all of my sexual partners, but I married one of them, and I continue to love her even though she is with another man.
So I see no reason at all why being sexually attracted to someone should be seen as being incompatible with caring about her as a person. Once again, in my relationships there have been both. I do not encourage sex as such. I encourage loving relationships, whether or not they have a sexual component. And I hope that more people have the experience of such relationships so that they can know what it means to love and be loved.