We see many in psychology claiming that violence is never OK. I don’t consider the no-violence-at-all standard to be realistic. I have been able to completely refrain from violence in dealing with my former wife and my daughter; but I don’t expect every next person to be able to do the same.
Right now, we see insanity on both sides. In some cases, families get torn apart for occasional slaps. In other cases, men get to keep their children even if they’ve broken every bone in their body or raped them since they were 4. I want to bring sanity to the matter. I do so by using the concept of degrees. Nothing justifies severe violence or incest, and people who do such a thing should be legally prosecuted. In case of low to moderate violence, tearing families apart really is what conservatives say it is – government overreach and government tyranny.
I am studying for a career in relationship counselling, and I expect to see situations in which there is violence. In many such situations the woman does not dislike the partner; she dislikes the violence, and she would be willing to stay if the partner gets a grip on himself. Most of these men don’t need therapy; they need a better perspective from the standpoint of their own values. They need to be told that it is a matter of character. Character means controlling what you do with your fists and your mouth. A man who beats up on a woman fails to exercise character; which means that according to his own conservative logic he fails.
My stance is therefore a moderate one. It is to prosecute situations of severe wrongdoing while leaving situations of lesser wrongdoing alone. I do not expect every man to be able to do what I have done. It took me a lot of work on myself to be able to accomplish this. I do not think it fair to demand the same of every other man.
Having said that, there needs to be as much social coercion as possible on men to cool it. While no father wants to see another father lose touch with their child, a good father will call a bad father on his misconduct. Once again, it is a matter of character. It is about self-control and discretion. And anyone who wants to claim any kind of authority needs to be able to exercise the same.
I don’t think it viable to approach people from the position of one’s own values. It should be possible to work within the framework of theirs. Conservative men don’t believe in nonviolence or women’s equality, but they do believe in character. Which means that it should be possible to work within the framework of the value of character to get them to do the right thing by their wives and children.
As for social services, they need to adopt a more realistic standard. The no-violence-at-all standard is unrealistic, and if followed it will result in most families being torn apart. It is, once again, a matter of degrees. Incest and severe violence should be prosecuted. Minor violence should be accepted as part of the world in which we live.