I have seen a lot of relationship situations from up close. The worst ones I found were ones in which one partner decided that the other partner was a bad person. In such situations, the person becomes his partner’s enemy and feels it his right and even his duty to grind her into dirt. The partner ends up living with – and being dependent upon – her worst enemy. And that results in many women living horrible lives.
What is the correct thing to say in such situations? It is as follows. Ask the partner, “If I am so bad, then why are you with me?” If you truly are a bad person, then the partner could not wait to leave you. And if the partner chooses to stay, it is because he is getting something out of the relationship. Which means that he has to treat you well, whatever he thinks of your personality or your character.
I knew a situation just like this in Australia. A man raised in Jehovah’s Witnesses got together with a woman from the city. She gave him everything she had to give. Income, a house to live in, a son, sex, companionship, counselling. He however thought that she was a bad person. And he was absolutely horrible to her.
When someone decides that you have a bad character, attempting to justify yourself to such a person is nothing but bait for further abuse. A man is not owed self-justification if he chooses to act in that way. Once again, if you are truly bad, he couldn’t wait to leave you. And if he chooses to stay, it is because he gets something out of the relationship. Which means that he is obligated to treat you right whatever he thinks of your character.
Instead, what we see in such situations is a racket. Someone gets something out of the relationship – typically a lot; but his belief that the partner is bad justifies him in failing to compensate her for what he is getting out of the relationship with her. The solution in such situations is to call his bluff. It is to say, “If I am bad, why are you with me?” This stops the game in its tracks.
I have not seen such situations being addressed, and they should be. Some people think that the solution to such things is therapy or anger management; but here the problem is one of beliefs. All it takes to stop wrong beliefs is by confronting them. In this case, it is to reveal their dishonesty and hypocrisy. And then the person can use his will and intelligence to make a better choice.
There are of course all sorts of things that can go wrong with relationships. But I have not seen such situations being addressed. More people need to be aware of such things, and more people need to act accordingly. The man who attacks his woman’s character is playing a game. He gets things out of the relationship without doing his part of treating his woman right. And that puts a lie to his claims of ethics, morality or righteousness and makes his attacks on the woman a transparent lie.