Full Articles

Last Friday, New Vista’s name reputed by Mackinna in a Drug-Fueled Inferno.

    Deep in the dark dirty part of Denver, ten feet underground a ‘free rave’ opened up. From 7pm to later than 6am the next morning, highschoolers and more immature college kids traveled from around the state to attend “Furry Fuzzy Sexy Ex Fest” hosted at the corner of Colfax and Interstate-25 in an abandoned asbestos and fuel supply company. As most everybody knows, the average New Vista kid smoke too much during particularly unfitting situations and there were dozens of reports of “refrierey” and “buttsucking” among New Vista kids attending.

    Although smoking was very intently banned within the warehouse, Kirk was called and complained to about New Vista smokers decided to smoke inside during a “furry and fuzzy” styled rave. This inevitably and without much real surprise, lead to a resilient and brutal fire, consuming the venue as well as the remainders of said kids’ dignity and/or self respect, along with the life of one person who cannot be recognized because all the burnt fur.

Cigarette Breathalyzers Enforced During Breaks at All Entryways

    Due to an increased demand for campus security during breaks, administration blew another heaping sum of money on a hot new product out on the streets invented just this year. Installed into all entryways starting in August of next school year will be a nicotine breathalyzer programmed to only open the door if levels below 0.008% mL/ mL saliva. These devices will operate by first showing your school ID to a digital scanner, this will prompt a canister filament to open in which you will promptly hack a good sized loogie into. The loogie is then tested for nicotine content and the device will calculate the average predicted time you last had a drag. If the shown time conflicts with break or class schedules, you will be quarantined and locked in the intermediate entryway glass box thing until escorted to Ivette's and/or Kirk's by our lovely SRO, Beth.

    Principal Quitter "can testify to excitement" for the future of the school.

    Joe seemed to value and support administrations' idea during a staff meeting but now himself finds it a challenge to sneak out and smoke.

    New Vista places ad on Boulder Craigslist for Campus Monitor $7.64/hr no benefits, only a refined pain.

New Vista needs an especially absorbent tissue for our issue.

Late last week, while kids piled in the school 8:45 Friday morning, there was a not so silent terror in the air. Sneezes, coughs, and the familiar noises of phlegm hacking reverberated throughout the hallways and reminded us of what we needed the most: what we really needed were Tissues. Upon pursuit of a tissue box, students were swiftly and promptly debilitated by Ann for being in the hallway without a pass. Little did Ann know, is that she was sending several spewing sess pools with legs back to class tissue-less, with no method of controllably or responsibly excreting their snot loads. Upon return to class, two students sneezed simultaneously and painted an entire wall with phlegm. A fellow classmate was questioned about his experience witnessing this phlegmification. He stated, lips trembling with uncertainty and fear, "This is nothing compared to the sidewalk out front, in which phlegm puddles ripple as I walk by ". Administration have received several anonymous complaints from students about the "unsanitary" and "visually menacing" sidewalk outside of the 200 hallway. Luckily for phlegm contributors, it has proved to be reusable when dried out thanks to it's high nicotine levels. There is a CE opportunity for any student (preferably freshman) who wish to scrape phlegm every Wednesday for several hours, contact peer phlegm mentor Bayani if interested.  Administration decided that the phlegm inside the school is more of a priority than outside, so action was taken by our school leaders. By action being taken, of course I mean that nobody did anything except for look for Joe. Joe was found immediately and as soon as he saw the wall, he  muttered an honestly impressive collection of obscenities while finally leaving New Vista as fast as he super-humanly could. Without Joe, New Vista immediately was seized by the EPA and deemed as "unfit to sit in" and cordially rehabilitated our school over the weekend. Everyone should be pleased to see the sparkly less toxic version of our school this Monday, courtesy of national tax dollars and bleach. However,  we still need some tissues though, so call Pfouts on the Pfouts hotline at 1-800-WE-SHOULD if you have any tissues whatsoever worth donating, because 'you should"; and by "you should" we mean "you better."

Cheryl Sadly Stuck in Sleepy Silly Sorry Stoner Student CE Stampede

Ideas/Headlines/Quotes/Pictures/Drafts

Two People Disappearing in

Sinkholes in US in Just 2 Weeks   

    Illinois native 43-year-old golfer found himself 10 feet underground all of a sudden during an investigation of the “14th Hole”. The hole was less than 2 feet wide and 10 feet deep. It’s estimated that in middle south east USA alone there are over 15,000 of these waiting for us. Keep in mind, readers; This is not even two weeks after a 36-year-old Florida native vanished in a massive sinkhole that swallowed his entire bedroom in Tampa, he who is definitely presumed dead.

    New Vista orders to have grounds checked for sinkholes, but students claim the only time they’ve ever noticed falling into a dark black hopeless claustrophobic hole was when class starts.

New Vista lunches switch to vegan, gluten-free... Still only pizza

After numerous requests and public displays of disaffection, the school lunch service for New Vista decided to offer new vegan, gluten-free, sugar free, preservative free, non-gmo, organically and responsibly and sustainably grown pizza. Many kids testify the crust is like a rock but at least it has no gluten. Rather than 2% milk, the lunch service will be offering hemp milk and chalk mixed with water. Along with this change, school lunch prices will triple to around 9 dollars per square. Lettuce is included.

300 Cats Were Seized from New Vistas Front Lawn

Late Friday afternoon the entirety of the Boulder County Animal Service unit came to New Vista, armed with nets, baskets, and bags.They were met by an impressively numerous pack of stray cats, some of which rats, and one of which a human.  After a brutal 4.5 hours wrestling and wrastling these felines to "their place”, the team celebrated at Taco Bell @ Basemar and then promptly dumped the load of cats, rats, and a guy into the Boulder Creek. Later stories claim that officers split them up and took them home, or bet them in poker against each other..

Snow Plow Distracted by Snow Hit Kirk’s Subaru Late Last Afternoon

The driver has requested to remain anonymous, as anyone would if they hit a high school principal's Subaru right outside of the school. Kirk testifies to getting a cold plowing.

Denver Hit With Biggest Snowstorm of the Winter

-DIA cancels flights

-car accidents reported

-I hope there’s a snow day tomorrow

-DIA uses all 750+ snow removal vehicles

-New Vista still has classes

Lafayette Marijuana Cafe sues Lafayette Over Anti-Smoking Law

The Front Tea & Art Shop in Lafayette, CO sued the city of Lafayette over an ordinance that declares there can be no recreational marijuana smoking related businesses within the city.

-City officials decline comment

-Owners’ team of lawyers vetoed the law in Lafayette

-shops allows anyone over 21 to smoke openly inside and possess up to an ounce

Robbers Only Make Out with $170 Between 3 of Them After Killing 5 Men

-tried to torch the place afterwards

-4th man there was an undercover who turned them all in

-wore hulk and iron man masks

-undercover said to have taken a cut

New Vista soon to host a greek style glass restaurant roof house cafeteria, the asbestos in room 320 can wait.

NV cigarette economy dips at all time low.

Student smokers claim “It’s impossible to bum a cigarette anymore.” Average predicted cigarette value increases to 75 cents. Some students claim to have paid over a dollar for a drag of a cancer stick.

Ivette in O.R. for index finger transplant.

Ivette Visbal, vice principal, was in the operating room to get a index finger transplant surgery performed. She claimed, before going under nitrous oxide gas preceding the procedure that writing so much and scolding detention-attenders was to blame. 

Super super super seniors and student teachers team up to

legalize Marijuana at New Vista!

The triple-super seniors, or 21-year-old high schoolers have conjoined with the young twenty-three year old student teachers and formed a New Vista Pot Club. Everyone above 21 on campus can stop by room 420 for a quick hit before going back to class. Instead of cookie Friday, medicated brownies will now be passed out to the select few before community gathering. BVSD states that no consumption of drugs is allowable in a school building, but the New Vistan team “forgot”..

Community Experience forms were due on Monday, so Thursday morning a massive line inevitably formed during class at Cheryl's desk. When questioned, some students simply fessed up to being late, while others had the excuse of "I needed to know what a CE is" or "my adviser never gave me the forms". One student had no reason to be there other than that he wanted to see Cheryl. Another kid shifted the blame to peer pressure as he claimed "everyone else was doing it". Cheryl responded to this issue by applying for a grant to pay for a plexiglass shield to install around her section of the staff room. She hopes that by doing this she won't have to deal with dozens of kids' irresponsible bull feces anymore, or at least won't have to smell it. Boulder Valley School District noticed the strain on Cheryl and gifted her with a years supply of caffeine pills as well as a big red stamp that reads "REJECTED" to stamp some CE forms with. Cheryl also thought she should start a pay-per-minute system with her services, but reconsidered when she realized how unappealingly broke us New Vistans are.

Mystery Pooper lies low; school lunches lack fiber.

Despite intensive ongoing investigations within the office, the identity of the infamous anonymous pooper has remained a mystery. CSI Boulder has concluded that the poop and surrounding area show very typical signs of a bowel-related struggle, and a fecal constituent analysis report suggested that whoever laid these signs of rebellious stupidity desperately needs more fiber. Upon further investigation, the lack of fiber may be to blame on school lunches, except on days where beans are mandatory. A close-to-tears students admits that even though he sensed that his intestines were backed up, he was only allowed to take one dish of refried beans. "All I wanted was a second scoop, those beans are my medicine" he managed to communicate to us through tears. Administration reports that "When the perpetrator has been found, we promise they will have to wear a diaper at all times on school campus."