1,
Obama Goes Completely Green
Earlier this week, President Obama announced that he would be going “completely and utterly” green. He is attempting his own personal policy to only use energy he produced with his legs. Sources say he plans to do this immediately.
He says, "Well, it seems like the right thing to do. For the people, I need to be a good example."
As far as the president is concerned, being a good example entails biking everywhere and only doing work when the sun is up. The president is also requiring all secret service members to get on their bikes and ride, so to speak, to power the White House's electricity bill. One agent said, "I didn't sign up for this."
There have been whispers of unease pertaining to the rampant helmet hair the American people will soon experience. On the other hand, most folks surveyed are generally excited about having nice calves. Local Earth Task Force representatives sound happy about the president's shift to a more green perspective.
As of yet, the the president's own family isn't so sure about this decision. "I'm not sure what's gotten into him, but at least he will have gorgeous legs after this ordeal," says Michelle.
What does this mean for you? What does it mean for your cute old person car? No one is really sure yet. Leek researchers advise everyone to kiss their scene hair goodbye and say hello to a flat and unattractive hairstyle.
2,
Marco Quits Sarcasm
Today, Marco announced that he would be retiring from the sarcastic lifestyle. After however many years of teaching sassy high schoolers, Marco has decided to take a step back.
When questioned, Marco said, "I'm tired of sassing students. It's incredibly exhausting telling people how wrong they are."
As of yet, no one is sure if he is being sarcastic or not.
3,
BREAKING NEWS, Freshman missing, compost flies under suspicion.
A freshman was reported missing earlier today. All students in 200 hallway were interviewed, no human suspect found. One recalls, "He was there one second and then he was just gone."
All evidence now points to the compost fruit flies. Many students have felt uneasy about the small creatures for months. "They swarm; they explode forth from the compost bins at horrifying rates. It's rather unsettling," says another student.
Arguably, we have good reason to fear them. For years they have been eating our food scraps behind our backs. For years they have been swarming the compost bins whenever someone opens the lid. They had to evolve some time.
For your own interest, Leek scientists advise everyone to avoid the compost bins and let the Earth Task Force handle the situation. They are trained professionals, after all.
4,
Centaurus Boy Claims He is "Too Punk Rock" For New Vista, Students Outraged
Friday afternoon, one shadow announced that he is "way too punk rock, dude" to attend New Vista. Students within the punk rock community are outraged by this claim, saying that he is, "full of crap," "going to get a punch in the throat," and, "an asshole".
Everyone is bracing themselves for a really rad fight. There are going to be blown out ears and steel toed boots flying around. Rad.
pffffhlflfhfhf. Phhhhffjd. Why. Pffhhfhh.
5,
Girl Passes Out In Class After Reading JohnLock Fanfiction
Monday morning, a girl in a first period class passed the fuck out after reading some steamy JohnLock fanfiction. Classmates struggled to understand the cause until one person grabbed her phone and nearly passed out himself.
"Like, daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaang, get some booty, Sherlock," is all he had to say about the matter.
One other student sighed and said, "Hhhhnnnghhhhhhhh."
Leek experts have been debating about the fanfiction. Is it all powerful? Is it going to destroy the world? WHat IS eVen HAppEnING???
Warmups:
1,
Kirk Grasps Hands When High-Fiving, Student Claims
One student reportedly attempted to high-five Kirk. Upon meeting hands, Kirk allegedly did a "bro-like" hand shake.
She said, "he went for a high-five and just grabbed me. HnnnnnGNHhn HHrnnnnn. Hnhnghhh. Nooooo..."
Though this is not the most reliable claim, the student seemed genuinely traumatized. When confronted, Kirk replied, "Um." Investigation is pending.
2,
Proposal For Exhibition Day to Last All Day
Holiday themed things:
Black Friday Fiasco
On Black Friday, guerilla warfare broke out inside of Ikea. The fighting began when a young couple went searching for a fancy dinner table.
"Due to the excess strain on their fragile relationship," says one Ikea staff member, "they must have just snapped. We see it all the time here."
As soon as the first half-price salt shaker flew, other couples began to join the fray. Table legs were hurtling through the air, cute cups were being smashed on the floor. Ikea has decided to keep its doors closed this week out of respect for the products they lost.
Ugly Sweaters Out of Style
Department stores were horrified to find that no one bought their ugly sweaters this year. Stacks and stacks of ugly christmas themed sweaters have not been purchased at all. Is ugliness out of style? Where will all the sweaters go? Charitable organizations feel it is "inhumane" to provide such horribly unattractive sweaters for starving and freezing children in other countries.
Marco Wrestles Caribou, Family Tradition
Marco has announced that he will, in fact, be wrestling a Caribou this year for the annual Winter Rodeo. Years ago, Marco retired from the rodeo life after a successful 10 years undefeated. When interviewed, he seemed hesitant to compete because of his perfect record.