Issue #3
Find your name below, and paste what you want to publish for The TCAP issue in the space provided.
Charter Groups
Post a link for Charter Group Pages:
Global
NVHS
Sports
National
Local
Entertainment
Fake Headlines: (anyone can take one a turn them into an article)'
ETF Proposes Changing Compost Program into Fruit Fly Farm
Robotics and GSA Join Together to Create First Openly Gay Robot
HARPER AND ELI CHARTER GROUP https://docs.google.com/a/bvsd.org/document/d/1ZaML9O3o669HBwiDVIagAWQLjuZqZe8aLrSikhk3hTI/edit
Online Class
Dylan
ETF Proposes Changing Compost Program into Fruit Fly FarmBOULDER,CO - The Earth Task Force at New Vista High School has determined that waiting for compost to biodegrade into soil and then having to grow plants in that soil will take to long to produce food. Hip E. Dood had this to say, "In recent studies fruit flies have been proven to contain large amounts of protein and vitamins for their body size. Currently New Vista is looking for quick and efficient alternative methods of producing food, and since these fruit flies are always hovering around our compost bins we decided it would be important for the school to utilize this valuable natural resource. The cafeteria is currently working on recipes to incorporate fruit flies into our lunch meals. I have heard talk of Fruit fly n' Veggies stew and Quesadillas a la fly, we will be hearing about more recipes soon." So watch out for the cafeteria food folks! The extra vitamins and protein in this new food is also predicted to give kids the energy they need to return their lunch trays in the cafeteria.
Tizri
River
Last Friday, New Vista’s name reputed by Mackinna in a Drug-Fueled Inferno.
Deep in the dark dirty part of Denver, ten feet underground a ‘free rave’ opened up. From 7pm to later than 6am the next morning, highschoolers and more immature college kids traveled from around the state to attend “Furry Fuzzy Sexy Ex Fest” hosted at the corner of Colfax and Interstate-25 in an abandoned asbestos and fuel supply company. As most everybody knows, the average New Vista kid smoke too much during particularly unfitting situations and there were dozens of reports of “refrierey” and “buttsucking” among New Vista kids attending.
Although smoking was very intently banned within the warehouse, Kirk was called and complained to about New Vista smokers decided to smoke inside during a “furry and fuzzy” styled rave. This inevitably and without much real surprise, lead to a resilient and brutal fire, consuming the venue as well as the remainders of said kids’ dignity and/or self respect, along with the life of one person who cannot be recognized because all the burnt fur.
Cigarette Breathalyzers Enforced During Breaks at All Entryways
Due to an increased demand for campus security during breaks, administration blew another heaping sum of money on a hot new product out on the streets invented just this year. Installed into all entryways starting in August of next school year will be a nicotine breathalyzer programmed to only open the door if levels below 0.008% mL/ mL saliva. These devices will operate by first showing your school ID to a digital scanner, this will prompt a canister filament to open in which you will promptly hack a good sized loogie into. The loogie is then tested for nicotine content and the device will calculate the average predicted time you last had a drag. If the shown time conflicts with break or class schedules, you will be quarantined and locked in the intermediate entryway glass box thing until escorted to Ivette's and/or Kirk's by our lovely SRO, Beth.
Principal Quitter "can testify to excitement" for the future of the school.
Joe seemed to value and support administrations' idea during a staff meeting but now himself finds it a challenge to sneak out and smoke.
New Vista places ad on Boulder Craigslist for Campus Monitor $7.64/hr no benefits, only a refined pain.
Two People Disappearing in Sinkholes in US in Just 2 Weeks
Illinois native 43-year-old golfer found himself 10 feet underground all of a sudden during an investigation of the “14th Hole”. The hole was less than 2 feet wide and 10 feet deep. It’s estimated that in middle south east USA alone there are over 15,000 of these waiting for us. Keep in mind, readers; This is not even two weeks after a 36-year-old Florida native vanished in a massive sinkhole that swallowed his entire bedroom in Tampa, he who is definitely presumed dead.
New Vista orders to have grounds checked for sinkholes, but students claim the only time they’ve ever noticed falling into a dark black hopeless claustrophobic hole was when class starts.
Sage Dougherty
Michelle
Alex
When detention becomes dangerous
What at first began as a simple idea has become the dreadful reality for any New Vista High School student sent to detention.
New Vista High School is well-known for its alternative learning practices. But some say that teacher and detention master Mike Codrey has gone too far. “When the order came in, I had no idea what it was,” recounted front desk receptionist Isabelle Norvil. “I took the clipboard to sign for it and the description said that the boxes contained ‘survival gear’. That’s when Mike entered the office to retrieve all ten boxes. I guess it was a bit weird, but I’ve learned to keep my nose out of other people’s business. I told Kirk about the incident and forgot about it soon after.”
A detention insider who wishes to remain unnamed helped us understand the situation, “So a couple of weeks back I was talking to Mike about how we could make detention more interesting. Have you ever been to detention? Cuz it’s really lame. Anyway. I joked about making students choose between fighting a horse-sized duck, fighting ten duck-sized horses, or reading The Leek for our entertainment. Suddenly Mike got quiet and began staring out the window, lost in thought. That’s when he muttered three words: “The Hunger Games”. Of course an awkward silence ensued ‘cuz I mean duh. That was creepy. After that we began arguing about if a ninja or a pirate would win at a fight between the two. It would definitely be the ninja. Like he’d be able to sneak up behind the pirate and stab him in the back before the pirate even noticed a fight was going on. I don’t see why that’s so difficult to grasp. But anyway, I guess I just forgot about the idea. Then about a week ago Mike just walked into detention with boxes of spears and survival gear and stuff and asked me to help him set it up. Apparently he took his Hunger Games detention idea seriously, but I didn’t. I said ‘no’ and bolted. I mean students killing each other during detention? That’s crazy, man.”
When asked to comment, principal Kirk Quitter issued this statement: “The Quitter administration fully supports Codrey’s right to govern detention however he sees fit. If he wishes to introduce alternative practices he may do so. If it helps the school transition to robotic students then all the better!”
Codrey declined to comment. Three students from New Vista High School remain missing. They were last seen armed and roaming Chautauqua park.
Kandy
Kelvin
Student fills in everything but the bubbles, is deemed a genius
A student now known as "the smartest person in BVSD," received a 200% on TCAP due to a new genius discovery: shading in everything, except for the bubbles in the booklet, guarantees you the highest grade possible. The student, previously having a GPA of 1.0 has gotten an automatic boost to a 5.0, by the district, due to the superintendent's concern: "This student shows beyond the capability of a possible current-day successor of Einstein, and we must help him get a boost in order to get into a college that can teach him how to help the world."
Nora
TITLE IDEAS???
While both New Vista students and faculty love the accessibility that Basemar provides, it has come to our attention that the best friend lunch ladies have recently lost all business and have no one to make food for, putting their jobs in peril. We asked what measures they would take in order to fulfill the happiness of bellies around the school.
“We are on a mission to up the popularity of our kitchen,” one of them described.
“We have decided to go down to Basemar and research the top selling meals at each restaurant. We will then mimic the recipes and sell the food at a cheaper price,” the other one told us.
A brilliant idea! As the lunch ladies got the ball rolling, more people from the New Vista community began eating at school saving them, in fact, time and money just as predicted. As one can assume, the Leek Staff took action on this opportunity in hopes of getting the opinions of the new lunch room eaters.
“I really love the variety in meals now,” Sage told us as he stood in line. “Sure, it takes a little longer to get food, but I would be spending more time walking down the street to get close to, if not the same, thing. I have also seen a rapid improvement in my grades since the lunch ladies started catering to my needs.” With a positive review, the lunch ladies’ jobs seemed to remain hopeful.
But with compliments come criticism. We sat down with Cory as he looked dissatisfied with his meal. “Look, it was a good idea, but I am not impressed with the butter to seasoning ratio on my ‘buttered noodles,’” he exclaimed. “I’m sticking with Basemar, ain’t nobody got time for this.”
The two women were disappointed with this students opinion but it only encouraged them to continue perfecting the recipes. You can count on these two fine cooks to continue working here at New Vista.
Kirk's Pants: comin' in hot or gone for good?
We, the New Vista High School community, are very familiar with our principal's red pants. There is no hiding the double take most people unintentionally do when he walks by. But, are the pants too much? It is suspected that students and/or faculty became outraged with the wear of such pants, and have said to have stolen them from right under Kirk's nose. The pants went missing just three days ago and the school environment has changed drastically. "Kirk hasn't stood outside of his office during break the past couple of days," Kayla tells reporters. "Not only that but Free Cookie Friday just turned into Free Cookie Everyday... I worry for our cookie budget, something is up."
Though unlike Kayla's concern with our principal’s lack confidence and the snacking of cookies, many students have been celebrating the new changes. Reporters from the Leek went undercover to find out what exactly happened to Kirk’s pride and joy, questioning if he will be able to replace them with a new pair by 4th quarter exhibition day, maybe in a new color. When waiting around for Natural Highs to get out, we got some word out of a student who wishes to remain nameless. “I never really felt connected to those pants particularly. I would much rather see him wear something more natural like these earthy toned pants made of burlap,” the subject said as she gestured to her legs. “They allow a lot of free movement and are unisex.” Left without much lead from the individual, we decided to dig further after sharing some mate.
Courageously, we took a trip down to the 200 hallway. There, we were able to eavesdrop on pant related talk. A comment was made in the roaring mob of people stating, “Sarah hated when Kirk wore his red pants because she wants to make the ‘colored skinny jean statement.’ I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s the one who jacked them.”
Later the next day during PM, Sarah was spotted walking to the community room in red skinny jeans leading us to believe she is of suspect because now she won’t be dreadfully caught wearing the same pants as Kirk. Besides, what business did she have going to the community room when it remains locked when classes are in session?
Since we have only come up with one lead thus far, the Leek Staff is unable to successfully identify the pants-petrator but, New Vista, you can be sure that we will get to the bottom of this. Until then, keep it classy everyone.
Andrew
Quill
Kirk Quitter: High school principle or Star Trek ship captain?
Kirk's past comes in to question once again. Is he who he claims to be, a normal every day High school principle or the famous captain of the spacecraft “Star Trek Enterprise”?
A small commitee of students gathered some evidence that just might answer this question:
1. He shares a name with the famous James Tiberius Kirk, .
2. Some of the students affectionately call him "Captain Kirk."
3. Known to wander around the school and check in on his staff.
4. He takes long dramatic pauses during speeches.
5. When questioned on the matter Kirk responds with a chuckle and "I wish."
6. Is in fact a Star Trek fan.
Is our beloved principle hiding something? Or is this all some crazy random happenstance? We may just never know.
If you have any information please contact the “Captain Kirk is real” committee.
ELI
New Vista First School Ever to Have Forty Year-Old Freshman
Boulder,CO-- Local Timothey Welker is no ordinary high school student. While the people he goes to class with are widely considered to still be teenagers, he is not.
"Being forty years old and still a freshman isn't easy, yo" Timothy tells me as he gets his books out of his locker. "It ain't like I like still be in the high school being controlled by the man, but my mama says that if I drop out, I can't live in her basement anymore."
As a young man Timothy simply did not care about his studies. "Yeah, the first time they held me back, I was like 'yo, that ain't fresh'" he says, as we walk, "but after like da fif time I was like a'ight, I'll play that way." He continues to tell me that the reason that he didn't chose to try harder is because he wanted to get back at the system for holding him back the first time. He has some serious problems.
"To keep him in school, I tell him that if he drops out he would have to move out" his seventy year-old mother says as she sits in her modest two bedroom house. "I don't even think he cares about the moving out part, but if I wasn't around, he would have to buy his own Doritos, and he just can't face a thing like that."
Timothey hopes to advance to Sophmore by next year, otherwise New Vista may have a forty-one year old freshman.
Eli-
Horse Meat Found In IKEA's Meatballs Leads to Full-Scale Investigation of Family-Owned Taco Stands
Just a few days after traces of horse meat was found in frozen batches of IKEA's world famous meatballs, the FDA launched a full-scale investigation of 3 family-owned taco stands near LA. All three stands are owned by a family who immigrated to the United States just two years ago.
"I wanted to make a better life for my children, so we moved to the United States", says Rosita Gonzalez a mother of four.
"These are exactly the people that we are working to put in jail", comments John Markson, the Chief Investigative Officer for the FDA. "Our teams are working to put greed-driven businesses like that of the Gonzalez's out."
"I think that the public will agree that, in light of the horse meat being found in IKEA's meatballs, our government needs to not look further in depth into large corporations, but instead small, family-run restaurants" says Mark Johnson, a nobody who we found on the street.
When asked what proof he had that the Gonzalez' stand was using horse meat, FDA field agent, Mark Johnson had no reply.
At the IKEA warehouses in Sweden, people do not seem to be nearly as upset as they are in the United States. "I used to eat se horse all se time, and it never hurt me" commented Sven Olafson who works on the production line at IKEA.
"What is se big deal?" asked Olaf Svenson who works in the local Stockholm store. "On my way home from se school, I would always make sure I had a good portion of horse brain to snack on", he continued far too graphically.
Despite Sweden's relaxed views on the issue, Mark Johnson will continue his undercover work which rivals that of the CIA, or so he would like to think.
Online Class
Luis
Moose
Harper
Sage Dart
So sorry it's late, but could you please include this in the next issue!
Student learns he has telekinetic powers in science class-
Junior student Tommy Gun learned in his third quarter Physics class taught my Martin, that he has Telekinetic powers. "I just didn't want to get up to move the bowling ball" said Mr. Gun when asked about when he got his new found power. According to first had sources that were at the scene Tommy was tired after a night of "safe" partying. When he was asked to move a bowling ball into position to demonstrate the law of gravity, Mr. Gun demonstrated just the opposite.
Tommy Gun was sitting in his chair with his head on the table when Martin asked him to move the bowling ball into position. Tommy exclaimed "ugg, do I have to?" and when Martin looked at him with a "you-better-do-it" look Tommy glared at the ball from across the room. Suddenly the ball floated up from the ground into the "gravity demonstration position." Everyone was shocked, even the telekinetic in question, Tommy. "I just couldn't believe it" claimed student Alison McMicky that was in the class at the time, "it's just so ironic that the lesson of the day was the LAW of gravity." More recently Tommy has been exploring his new power. He has learned how to control it and utilize it. He can now change the channel of the TV without a remote, do his chores at twice the average speed and basically "blowing peoples minds" around town. He has also signed up for the Frisbee team, and it is still under question whether using his power is officially illegal in the sport. Coach Mike is sure happy about it though. An interview with Science teacher Martin was denied and the only statement he made was that he still thought it was "just a magic trick."
Carlos
Eli
Melissa
Slow drivers creating accidents left and right
Many drivers, young and old, have been experiencing 'almost' car accidents if not actual collisions, with the recent snow fall. The problem is that people aren't even driving over the speed limit, but instead under the designated speed, infuriating others. Many drivers try and go under the speed limit because of lack of tire traction or four wheel drive, etc; however, drivers with a snow built car, have been getting very irritated by the amount of 'grandma driving' happening around town. With all this happening, the other drivers are swerving in and out from behind slow cars, eventually coming to a sudden stop with someone in front of them. "I was going the speed limit, even a tad below, but it didn't matter I just didn't notice the car right in front of me before it was too late. My car is good at stopping on ice and snow but not if the car in front of me is less than 10 feet..." I local driver proclaims worrying about the damage of the two cars. These high speed changes have been causing a lot of problems throughout Boulder County, and not only with car on car collisions either. An unnamed student from New Vista High claimed to have lost control of his mini cooper and accidently ran into the curb right outside of Basemar shopping center. “I was going five mph. five mph! But did it matter, nooooo! My car just decided to take over and swerve right into a curb right past the intersection,” the student said angrily to our reporter. Many citizens of Boulder County claim that they haven’t had snow all winter, so they’re not used to driving on it along with the ice yet. It would be thought that people from Boulder would know how to drive through snow by now, but this winter has proven that myth to be inaccurate. It’s gotten to the point that a large amount of the population in the city has chosen to simple avoid driving all together in conditions like these. Many also fear that this is only the beginning and that the worst has yet to come. We all know very well that Colorado is prone to its ‘bi-polar’ weather, so it will be interesting to see what the rest of the winter/ spring will bring to beautiful, indecisive, Colorado.
Grant
Fiona
Tavius
Superbad SuperRad Food Review
by Chad Brough
Yo yo yo, what’s up my peers? Just lifting some weights to burn off the calories from all the food I've been eating. You know, to review and stuff. Boom: chatty intro, check. *holds up fist* Pound it! I run through these reviews like butter.
So anyway, here’s the deal: six dollar combo down at a place on The Hill. My crew runs that part of town, BTW. (Editor’s note: Chad’s friend works at 7-Eleven) I don’t remember the name of the place, signs are overrated, much like reading in general. It’s pretty easy to find though, your Bro-senses will start to tingle when you’re close, bro. For sure.
The atmosphere lacked some of the pizzazz featured at other Hill eateries, but compared to the New Vista community room this place was poppin'! This fine establishment served up some mad fresh food though. Seriously, they have a garden on the roof. That's more local than an Earth Task Force local lunch. This chick even came up to me, waddling across the floor, and I was all like, ‘Whoa, I didn't know they had free-range poultry here. Isn't that a little dangerous to let them walk around the establishment?’
On to the food: Six green ones will score you a fatty soda, filthy panini and swag bag of chips. Perfect storm lunch combo. The cheese:bread ratio left a bit to be desired. Same with the chips:air ratio in the bag. This is par for the course as all bros know. Bags of chips have been gettin' skimpier and skimpier. Looks like we got another potato famine in the works, am I right? Unlimited fountain drink refills score some bonus points.
Sure, you can get a panini that's not quite as filthy from Einstein's Bagels where they actually clean their panini press, and it's a little closer to campus, but you'll also be paying more for the convenience. Allow me to cite my bedside Bro Bible right quick: Bro Code rule #17: Never pay more than you have to. #56: Eat where the Bros eat. It's gotta be this place. Other ingredients (extra/other cheeses, veggies, marinara sauce, meats) are offered at 50¢ a piece. Opting for the daily special panini or a combo panini will score you bonus toppings at a buy two get three steal-deal. That's the steezy. Bilbo Swaggins out.
Peers, know your intellectually-approved vocab:
Definition of SWAG: An ornamental drapery or curtain draped in a curve between two points. <The decking was edged with timber posts and a rope swag.>
— swagged, swag·ging, swags intransitive verb
— swag, swags noun
Sean
fake ad/filler: Pfoutsy Pfont PFor all opf your comma related typing needs!
Gianna
Taylor
Bored Firefighters Hire a Student to Pull the Fire Alarm?
Down the street from New Vista High School, a fire station remains at a standstill as they wait for the usual false alarms. However, not a single false alarm has occurred in the past two months. The firefighters have become bored with their job, spending each day hoping for a fire alarm to get pulled. Luckily, they have found the solution to their problems. Under the school district's noses, they have hired an individual student to pull the fire alarm once a week. The student (his name rhymes with ___) is receiving $50 to sneakily pull the fire alarm every week, calling the firefighters into action. No more playing a week long game of monopoly around the fire place in their nice little hero hut. The student was recently discovered by Kirk and suspended for a week. Though the fire alarms continue raging through the school. One student has reported seeing Kirk near the scene of the crime during the evacuation. Several suspect he has unjustly taken on the job of the suspended student. Either way, bring your winter coats to school, because we can guarantee you will be out on the field several times this week!
Peter
Kim (right) and Scott (left) are taking their engagement picture for their card that they are going to send out to everyone and someone's dog decides to join in on the picture and leave behind his own little treat. There wedding is scheduled for Wednesday April 31st 2013. Kim and Scott are upset because the dog only came into the picture for the one time one of them wasn't blinking. They have taken at least one hundred photos but this is the only one where they are happy about how they look. Kim and Scott are searching everywhere to find a good graphic designer to help with this dog problem.
Family Reunited at New Vista.
Long lost family, Peter, Marissa, and Martin Park, are once again safely reunited at New Vista. One fateful day at the mall Martin caught a scent of some magical aroma coming from Victoria's Secrete and he just had to see what it was. When he turned back around Peter and Marissa had vanished. 15 years went by with out a word of their knowledge of their location. We had an exclusive interview with Peter to figure out where he has been for the past 15 years. "When my dad left me at the mall that one day this family came by and thought that I was their adopted son. They took me home and I have lived with them ever since. It has been a great life but I havent been able to completely be a part of their family."
Peter was so glad when he found his dad once again at New Vista same with his sister. "I never knew how much I would miss my older sister cause we used to always fight and argue about something. I guess you never know what you have until its gone."
The Parks are now figuring out how to live together again because bonds have been created with their other families.
Jasper
New Vista to Replace Students with Robots
In a shocking decision on Wednesday, Principle Quitter has announced that starting in the 2013-2014 school year all students will be replaced with roots.
The decision was made in order to improve the environment around New Vista, as well as the test scores. “The wonderful things about robots,” stated Kirk Quitter, “is that if you don’t like the way they are than you can just reprogram them.” Many teachers seem overjoyed at the prospect of teaching robots, however, one teacher still feels a little sad about the loss of students.
“It is just not the same to verbally abuse robots,” grumbled Marco De Martino, “they don’t cringe the same, and they have no fear. At least they will always turn their work on in time.
The prospect of eliminating late work is just one of the many benefits of replacing the students with robots. “We will save a fortune by not having to buy cookies for cookie friday, and we can fire all of the lunch people while we are at it,” stated Ivette.
Reportedly New Vista will be purchasing many different types of robots. Such as the AR-7a, which is designed for the purpose of passing TCAPS, the AR-7b, which is designed for passing college entrance exams. The AR-8 which are designed for designed to clean up after themselves, share with others and say please when they ask a question. The most expensive robot that New Vista will be acquiring is the vaunted AR-11d, which is designed to dominate at sports.
“We have purchased about 40 of the AR-11d, we hope to use them to win the state championships of football, soccer and basketball,” said Kirk during the latests community gathering.
While the members of the school, and the National Education Committee are all ecstatic at the prospect of using the robots, taxpayers have begun to grumble about the hefty price tag they will be picking up. The prices of the robots range from $23,000 for the AR-8, to $250,000 for the AR-11d. “I am not sure if I like the idea of having to cover the tab for the the robots,” said Nancy Pearson, “I don’t see what was wrong with the old students, although some of them really got on my nerves.”
Despite some discontented grumbling the proposed robots are gaining more and more support in the community, the question that has yet to be answered is what will happen to the students already attending New Vista? “I don’t know,” said Kirk, maybe they will go live under a rock for the rest of their lives, but it is not about the students, it is about the future. It just so happens that the future at New Vista does not have any room for living students, so I wish them the best of luck in their life’s endeavors.
Chris