Eli's Page
Horse Meat Found In IKEA's Meatballs Leads to Full-Scale Investigation of Family-Owned Taco Stands
Just two days after traces of horse meat was found in frozen batches of IKEA's world famous meatballs, the FDA launched a full-scale investigation of 3 family-owned taco stands near LA. All three stands are owned by a family who immigrated to the United States just two years ago.
"I wanted to make a better life for my children, so we moved to the United States", says Rosita Gonzalez a mother of four.
"These are exactly the people that we are working to put in jail", comments John Markson, the Chief Investigative Officer for the FDA. "Our teams are working to put greed-driven businesses like that of the Gonzalez's out."
"I think that the public will agree that, in light of the horse meat being found in IKEA's meatballs, our government needs to not look further in depth into large corporations, but instead small, family-run restaurants" says Mark Johnson, a nobody who we found on the street.
When asked what proof he had that the Gonzalez' stand was using horse meat, FDA field agent, Mark Johnson had no reply.
At the IKEA warehouses in Sweden, people do not seem to be nearly as upset as they are in the United States. "I used to eat se horse all se time, and it never hurt me" commented Sven Olafson who works on the production line at IKEA.
"What is se big deal?" asked Olaf Svenson who works in the local Stockholm store. "On my way home from se school, I would always make sure I had a good portion of horse brain to snack on", he continued far too graphically.
Despite Sweden's relaxed views on the issue, Mark Johnson will continue his undercover work which rivals that of the CIA, or so he would like to think.
TCAP Testing Environment Has Shocking Resemblance to Chinese Sweatshop
It was reported Friday that
HARPER AND I ARE GOING TO BE IN A CHARTER GROUP. WE HAVE ALREADY CREATED AN IDEA FOR A STORY. AIRBUD CHARTER GROUP.
I WANT TO CONTRIBUTE TO THE TCAP ISSUE WITH A FEW PUZZLES AND VISUAL THINGS I WILL CREATE SOME THIS WEEKEND
I ALSO WANT TO CREATE A SHORT STORY OR TWO FOR THE THIRD ISSUE
FOR NEWSCAST: NEW VISTA ULTIMATE TEAM VOWS TO FORGET ABOUT SPIRIT FOULS IN AN ATTEMPT TO BECOME THE MOST AGGRESSIVE FRISBEE TEAM IN COLORADO'S HISTORY.
YOU COULD HAVE INTERVIEWS
New Vista Cafeteria Staff Lying To Students?
Amongst all of the recent controversy surrounding fish vendors, specifically that they are not selling the consumer the fish that they say they are, a new scandal has emerged. Is New Vista lying to its students? Recent testimony from students has pin pointed the one meal that seems to be "un-legit". The pizza.
While it is served five days a week, is it real?
IDEA FOR TCAP ISSUE: Connect the dots with one dot
Drug-Sniffing Dog Accused Of Smuggling Cocaine Across Border
Midst all of the incredible drug problems that our country is having today, the Boulder Police Force received an unexpected shock Friday as one of their own was arrested upon allegations of smuggling drugs across the border. Serving the force for five years, Sparky, a shepard-courgey mix was taken into custody after claims that he had been smuggling various drugs across the border for years. Sparky's lawyer told reporters that he had no comment on the scandal, but that he would fight the false allegations until his death.
The allegations state that Sparky was spotted crossing..........
New Vista First School Ever to Have Forty-Old Freshman
Boulder,CO-- Local Timothey Welker is no ordinary high school student. While the people he goes to class with are widely considered to still be teenagers, he is not.
"Being forty years old and still a freshman isn't easy, yo" Timothy tells me as he gets his books out of his locker. "It ain't like I like still be in the high school being controlled by the man, but my mama says that if I drop out, I can't live in her basement anymore."
As a young man Timothy simply did not care about his studies. "Yeah, the first time they held me back, I was like 'yo, that ain't fresh'" he says, as we walk, "but after like da fif time I was like a'ight, I'll play that way." He continues to tell me that the reason that he didn't chose to try harder is because he wanted to get back at the system for holding him back the first time. He has some serious problems.
"To keep him in school, I tell him that if he drops out he would have to move out" his seventy year-old mother says as she sits in her modest two bedroom house. "I don't even think he cares about the moving out part, but if I wasn't around, he would have to buy his own Doritos, and he just can't face a thing like that."
Timothey hopes to advance to Sophmore by next year, otherwise New Vista may have a forty-one year old freshman.
Biden Hires Cheney To Go “Hunting” With Obama In Hopes To Become President
WASHINGTON,DC-- It was reported Friday that Vice President Joe Biden requested that Barack Obama go away for a weekend of hunting with former Vice President Dick Cheney. As many know, Cheney's most famous moment came when he "accidently" shot his hunting partner.
The Leek's inside sources at the White House have confirmed that Biden has been gunning for the President's seat for years, and he plans to take it by getting Obama to go hunting with a man who should not be allowed to even look at a gun.
When he was called and proposition by Biden, Cheney responded, "Why sure! My trigger finger has been itchin' recently".
And when our news team asked President Obama if he was worried about being shot, he told us that he had absolutely no idea what we were talking about.
Obama One of the Seals Who Killed Bin Laden?
“That Could Have Been Me Causing Controversy” Romney Sobs
Dick Cheney Arrested After Attempting to Go Hunting
Barack Obama hunts endangered clay pigeon, PETA outraged
A photograph was recently taken of Barack Obama shooting Clay Pigeons, and he confirmed that he hunts the majestic bird every time he goes to the President hang-out, Camp David.
The Clay Pigeon, or Peoginious Claudias is one of the most beautiful animals in the world, but it is also in incredible danger of going extinct. After this legitimate image of U.S President, Barack Obama was taken actively shooting the endangered birds, PETA issued several statements conveying outrage. A spokesperson for the animal rights group said, "People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals or PETA is outraged at the unawareness that president Barack Obama is showing the American people by hunting Clay Pigeons.Who knows what other endangered animals he enjoys killing."
The President had no statement on the photo. Insinuating guilt from the President's silence, Conservatives have been milking the outrage drawn from this picture. Bill O'Riley of Fox News has even began a new show called Obama the Crazy Animal Murderer which is 45 minutes of photo-shopped images of the President killing various kinds of puppies.
We will expect a statement from the white-house soon, but until then, we must wonder, what is Obama hiding?
Washed Up Teen Wolf Makes One Last Attempt At Successful Career
As a young boy, all that Minnesota local, Teen Wolf wanted was to be a professional basketball player. As he explains, he thought that a movie about him would help, "When I was approached about acting in a movie where I got to show off my basketball skills, I thought 'this could help me go pro'", he says as his thick brown fir flops around in the cold Northern winds, "unfortunately, I was wrong."
"First off, the movie was a bad experience because I was forced to dress up like a human for some scenes, and second, it actually worsened my chances of going pro because I was taken so much less seriously. "When I was turned down by the Denver Nuggets", he continues, "they said that it was because I just wasn't serious enough. My skill wasn't an issue. That's what they said."
But now that the interview offers and photo shoots are stopping to roll in, Teen Wolf is going to give it one last shot. He finally was forced to take a job at a local Wendy's where he is forced to wear a full-body hairnet due to his savings account running dry.
With a five-foot verticle-jump, one would think that he would be immediately picked up by a professional team, however this is not the case. Teen Wolf who is now 45 years of age is forced to seek out the pro teams and proposition them.
"I recently flew to New York to visit with the Knicks, but they said they weren't interested, and I was forced to ride in a dog crate on the return flight."
Can he do it? We will just have to see.
NEWSHEET DRAFT
There has been much controversy about injuries in football, and the latest report is suggesting that the harder hits are due in part to the average weight of the players increasing. To test this theory, ESPN set up a controversial experiment. They decided that they wanted to find out once and for all what causes bad football-related injuries. To do this, they found a man who was 5 foot 8 inches and weighed 115 lbs. ESPN then brought in three professional football players, one who weighed 130 lbs, one who weighed 250 lbs, and one who weighed 320 lbs. The man who would subsequently be known as the “test dummy” was then put in the middle of a nearby football field without pads. ESPN drove the three massive professional linebackers to the same football field and began the tests.
The test dummy was first charged at three times by the smallest member of the squad...
January 30, 2013 WARM UP (PICTURES)
Local Man Has Too Much Swag
BOULDER-- It was reported Friday that the swag limit had been reached. Native Coloradan TJ McSteeze was honored with the prestigious achievement after the photo (above) was taken of him in what appears to be his grandmother's Sunday best.
"I've been going for the award for a while now", TJ commented "but once you get a ton of swag, it is quite difficult to get that last little bit." TJ was battling numerous people for the award including New Vista's own Michael Codrey whom he barely edged out. "I've gotta give some hella props to Mike, he almost had me" commented McSteeze.
It seemed that Codrey had the clear advantage with his full fledged beard, being that Mr. McSteeze can only grow facial hair to impress a second grader, but in the end he reached the limit first.
FEBRUARY 6 WARM UP(S)------- PART OF IT IS UNDER LOCAL MAN HAS TOO MUCH SWAG
Beyoncé Admits To Lip Sinking Halftime Show; No One Cares
Famous performer, Beyoncé admitted to lip sinking all of the songs that she sang at the Superbowl Halftime show just two days after the event that was viewed by millions took place. The response?
"Beyoncé is a singer?" asked one middle-aged man that we talked to. When asked if he watched the halftime show, he replied, "Of course!"
PUBLISH
Monsanto Not A Bad Company; Just Misunderstood
Among all of the Public Relation chaos that has been occurring with the industrial giant, Monsanto, one voice has not been heard, the voice of support. Many see the company as an unsustainable, poisonous, atrocious corporation that should be fully investigated and destroyed. However there are also many who believe that there is really a heart inside the company's dirty, dark exterior.
Witnesses have been rumored seeing the company tear up after a long and devastating investigation. One account goes so far as to describe the company huddled in the corner of the courthouse singing to itself.
"I believe that Monsanto's intentions are pure, the company is simply presented in a bad light" said Bill O'Riley. He continued "It's just misunderstood, trying to make a better world."
In an act that many are labeling, 'against the law' the company adopted two dozen cats, threw them into the Hudson River, and attempted to rescue as many as possible. New York held a candle-light vigil in honor of the 24 cats that died that day.
"It tried its hardest to save those cats," stated a woman who wanted to be known as Satan's Minion, "Those against Monsanto must remember the difficult time that it had as a child." Mrs. Ion is referring to Monsanto's father leaving when it was just a tot. "It was rumored that the company's father, The Devil, left when it was only three years old", she continued, "Then its mother was unable to withstand the pressure of raising a child on her own, so she left too."
Monsanto's story is extremely similar to that of Haliburton whose father, Dick Cheney abandoned it at a rest stop in the middle of Utah. The two companies were then forced to scrap their way up to the top, never skewing from a vision to help people in need, until they became the wonderful, responsible companies that they are today.
"The incredible generosity that Monsanto has displayed is unparalleled in the industry," when asked what examples they had, Mitt Romney replied, "Many farmers have attempted to steal Monsanto's seeds, and the company has brought these evil individuals to justice. The company is protecting the farms that pay for the seeds. See? That's generosity." When asked to explain further, he claimed that my news team and I were all spies sent by Obama, then he threatened us with a kitchen knife until we left his modest home.
PUBLISH
California-- The new iPad is set to be officially released in two days, but there is something different about this one. With the iPad Mini making such massive profits for the multi-billion, California-based company, Apple has come up with a new idea. The iPad XL is on its way, and everyone wants one. Even 54 hours before it release, the lines outside Apple stores across the country go for twenty or more blocks.
The new device that many are calling revolutionary is larger than the normal iPad, but smaller than a normal desktop computer. Critics are calling it inconvenient due to its awkward size, but this reporter calls it genius. The fact that it weighs about seven pounds, and has no stand, making you hold it in order to use it is revolutionary; some are even calling it the next great workout tool, however Apple is simply marketing it as a tablet.
This device, costing $2,000 has no USB ports, and can only hold 2GB of memory; by doing this, Apple is setting up for the iPad XL2 which will most likely contain 6GB of memory and no USB ports.
“I don’t even know what the device that I am waiting for is, all I heard was that Apple is releasing something new, so I grabbed a few thousand dollars, hopped in my car and got in line” said one person they we talked to. Many critics are using this latest release as another example of what the industry calls the Apple Lemmings; people who buy Apple products simply because they are made by Apple.
When asked, one person in line told us “Apple Lemmings, I have no idea what you are talking about, I have never heard of such a thing; I just buy this stuff for the steeze factor.”
Well, it seems that Apple has raised the steeze bar significantly this winter with its newest release, and I can’t wait to get a hold of one.
January 11, 2013 Warm Up:
Don't Park Your Car Out Front of New Vista: A Testimony From A Pissed Off College Kid
BOULDER, CO-- A college student went to get into his car on Tuesday, and made a shocking discovery. "I came outside to get on my way to class when I saw what happened to my beautiful car", he paused tearing up, "I parked it outside of New Vista High School for the day, and it was destroyed", he began to cry violently. His 2012 BMW had twenty or more cigarette butts frozen to its outer frame, as well as numerous dents in the hood. "I guess that the students must have all sat on the hood because it was completely caved in when I went outside on Tuesday" he continued, "and I guess that they must have thought it to be very funny to stick their cigarettes to my beautiful black exterior." When Pissed Off College Student made a call to the Boulder County Police and told them about what had happened, he said that they proceeded to laugh hysterically on the phone. When we contacted New Vista, we were read an official statement by a student taking the Mock Trial class since they don't have a real lawyer. If you have any information please contact Pissed Off College Student at 000-000-0000.
NEWSHEET DRAFT
Bigfoot Slain by Boulder Police Department: City Outraged
Thursday evening, a police officer discharged his state-issued weapon in South Boulder, shooting and eventually killing Bigfoot. Only a week after the candle-lite vigil held for the Elk killed in the Mapleton area, the city was once again outraged. ....continued
January 15, 2013 WARM UP:
Tissue shortage affecting tens of lives: testimony from a man in need
BOULDER-- The tissue problem that many New Vista students are just beginning to learn about was officially announced on Monday, leaving many people outraged about what they are calling the "Tissue Issue". Joaquin Baldwin is just like any other New Vista Highs School student; he cares greatly about tests, homework, and Community Gatherings, but when this issue came out, he was outraged.
"I just can't believe that they would do this to us." Joaquin tells me as he walks to his seminar, "What were they thinking? What do they want me to use