Issue #1

Memes, place your memes here, and we shall pick them

Unicornboy 

Yoda

Jackie Chan

Spongebob 

Sparta

Cuck Norris

The most interesting newspaper in the world

Y u no read the leek?

Bear Grylls

Tavius votes:

Batman or GoT

Best Fake Headlines (to use on the coverpage)

Seminar Class

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1vvc8yvwa3f7dNq7-i4OX0BGx6FRZaR1SZPC2MejGCPs/edit

(added to paper)

Marissa makes edits

ELK BROUGHT TO JUSTICE (DONE)

After a long period on the lam, Vinnie “The Elk” Alfonzo was finally found and terminated by one of our valiant Boulder police officers. Law enforcement located Vinnie at his Mapleton hideout, quickly dispatching him in a covert police operation. “The Elk” was an escaped convict from Yellowstone maximum security penitentiary and was wanted for the murder of countless native grasses, shrubs, and other various forms of innocent vegetation.

“It’s been eleven long years” said local hero and police officer Trent Burnow, who finally brought the iron fist of the law down on this dastardly four-legged herbivore. “I wasn’t planning on killing him, I was just going to put the bastard back in the slammer, but “The Elk” never gave up. He kept trying to resist arrest by grazing on resident’s lawns and occasionally bugling,” (a deep resonating bellow corresponding to the elk subspecies.) “The bastard.” Burnow added, staring out the window with the hardened gaze of a man who had faced a true evil, and triumphed.

Burnow has been on the Alfonzo case for years, with no small cost to himself. “In the fall of ‘03 I had just busted the Elk syndicate in Estes, which had been operating for thousands of years grazing on local flora. I had a cabin up there, and I was relaxing after the big herd bust down in Roosevelt National Forest, but of course Alfonzo got away,” explained Burnow solemnly “I stepped outside to get my mail and I saw my rhododendrons trampled to death in my garden. It was from that moment he had sealed his fate. I was going to make that quadruped bastard pay.”

Locals have been ecstatic over the death of Boulder’s most notorious criminal. “I can just sleep better at night now,” said Mapleton resident Daniel Johansen, “I mean because of the lack of elk calls. I mean seriously, he’s just a (censored) elk!”

Vinnie’s mother, Barbara, had this testimony: “Sure he went down the wrong road, but he was always a good boy, (sob) such a good boy, (sob) and he didn’t deserve what he got, (sob, sob.)

“This should serve as a warning to all those other criminals out there,” said Boulder Police Chief, “ and to that raccoon that tipped over my trash can, we’re coming for you.”

In lighter news, the elk meat market is booming, with sales at an all time high. No member of the elk community could be reached for comment.

New vista student determined to take his talent to a “whole 'nother level.”(done)

BOULDER-CO, New Vista High School-

New Vista student realizes that his talents could be of better use in another level and has decided to finally take a class with Loren. "After being hunted down by all the teachers, I finally decided to go live with my news, and tell the public that i'm taking my talents to the art room this quarter." said the talented student who has achieved high scores in Angry Birds. "It's just a game, but my talent with Angry birds has lead to the decision to take my first art class." 

We really don't see what all the fuss is about, it's just angry birds. His choice of taking his talent to another level is just GOLDEN. They way he handled it was just amazing, he kept every emotion under control until the last moment, when the registration form was filled out. 

"I still have a hard time believing it has all come to this," said Andy and adviser of the talented student "To think he would stay local and take a class with Mike, Kate, Martin."

"When i was updating his schedule, and saw the choice he made, I got a little teary." Said Diane who could not go on with the interview because her emotions got the best of her.

We have learned that this talented individual will not be the greatest in the class. Joining him will be Mr. Ninja Jump who holds one of the Top 5 scores in Ninja Jump. Also joining them is the holder of the highest score ever in Temple Run.

"This is going to be a winning class, I am honored to have them in my class," said Loren.

After the interview with Loren was over, he packed up all our equipment getting ready to leave this joint, Loren told us something that she didn't want us to include in the article. Since we are the leek, we decided to leek it.

Loren had this to say, "What I'm worried about the most is the chemistry this class will have. Will they interact or do everything individually. High scores come with big responsibilities."

After analyzing her statement we started to think about what she said and "That isn't that bad!" Loren exaggerated her statement.

New quarter comes with new challenges and new classmates. Will this soon to be Hall-of-Fame art class have what it takes to go down in history? Or will their fame get in the way of working as a unit?

Ask yourself that in the mirror, one, two, ten times while you listen to Taylor Swift.

Marissa makes edits

Monsanto Not A Bad Company; Just Misunderstood

    Among all of the Public Relation chaos that has been occurring with the industrial giant, Monsanto, one voice has not been heard, the voice of support. Many see the company as an unsustainable, poisonous, atrocious corporation that should be fully investigated and destroyed. However there are also many who believe that there is really a heart inside the company's dirty, dark exterior. 

Witnesses have been rumored seeing the company tear up after a long and devastating investigation. One account goes so far as to describe the company huddled in the corner of the courthouse singing to itself. 

"I believe that Monsanto's intentions are pure, the company is simply presented in a bad light" said Bill O'Riley. He continued "It's just misunderstood, trying to make a better world." 

In an act that many are labeling, 'against the law' the company adopted two dozen cats, threw them into the Hudson River, and attempted to rescue as many as possible. New York held a candle-light vigil in honor of the 24 cats that died that day.

"It tried its hardest to save those cats," stated a woman who wanted to be known as Satan's Minion, "Those against Monsanto must remember the difficult time that it had as a child." Mrs. Ion is referring to Monsanto's father leaving when it was just a tot. "It was rumored that the company's father, The Devil, left when it was only three years old", she continued, "Then its mother was unable to withstand the pressure of raising a child on her own, so she left too."

Monsanto's story is extremely similar to that of Haliburton whose father, Dick Cheney abandoned it at a rest stop in the middle of Utah. The two companies were then forced to scrap their way up to the top, never skewing from a vision to help people in need, until they became the wonderful, responsible companies that they are today. 

"The incredible generosity that Monsanto has displayed is unparalleled in the industry," when asked what examples they had, Mitt Romney replied, "Many farmers have attempted to steal Monsanto's seeds, and the company has brought these evil individuals to justice. The company is protecting the farms that pay for the seeds. See? That's generosity." When asked to explain further, he claimed that my news team and I were all spies sent by Obama, then he threatened us with a kitchen knife until we left his modest home. 

IF WE NEED ANOTHER STORY TO FILL

New iPad Set To Stir The Pot

California-- The new iPad is set to be officially released in two days, but there is something different about this one. With the iPad Mini making such massive profits for the multi-billion, California-based company, Apple has come up with a new idea. The iPad XL is on its way, and everyone wants one. Even 54 hours before it release, the lines outside Apple stores across the country go for twenty or more blocks.

The new device that many are calling revolutionary is larger than the normal iPad, but smaller than a normal desktop computer. Critics are calling it inconvenient due to its awkward size, but this reporter calls it genius. The fact that it weighs about seven pounds, and has no stand, making you hold it in order to use it is revolutionary; some are even calling it the next great workout tool, however Apple is simply marketing it as a tablet.

This device, costing $2,000 has no USB ports, and can only hold 2GB of memory; by doing this, Apple is setting up for the iPad XL2 which will most likely contain 6GB of memory and no USB ports.

“I don’t even know what the device that I am waiting for is, all I heard was that Apple is releasing something new, so I grabbed a few thousand dollars, hopped in my car and got in line” said one person they we talked to. Many critics are using this latest release as another example of what the industry calls the Apple Lemmings; people who buy Apple products simply because they are made by Apple.

When asked, one person in line told us “Apple Lemmings, I have no idea what you are talking about, I have never heard of such a thing; I just buy this stuff for the steeze factor.”

Well, it seems that Apple has raised the steeze bar significantly this winter with its newest release, and I can’t wait to get a hold of one.

Lack of tissues, leading to the New Vista apocalypse??

 

Tissues; none in Marco's room, none in Alex's, none in the office!? Could this be the end of clean noses at New Vista?

BOULDER CO- Local students and teachers outrage against this madness and go in search for boxes of tissues to stop the spread of runny noses. The office sent out emails about this issue to the parents in hope that they could seek help. Current LA teacher, Andrew Pfouts, responds with an absurd idea, "Why doesn't the office just buy more tissues... they're at the store yes?" He laughs and jokes that he'll have to begin splitting the tissues into two for students to share.

    Although some teachers and students are taking light of this issue, others aren't as much, "My nose is running like none other because of the weather. You think I want to use my sleeve as a tissue? Umm no! That's nasty.” A handful of kids throughout the school are in fear of coming too close with someone with a cold, “If I get too close to one of my sick friends, I could get sick, and get a runny nose, and I’ll be SOL when it comes to finding a tissue.” A student proclaims scared, “It’s ruining our friendship! This ‘no tissue’ dilemma could be the end of friendships throughout New Vista as we know it! … It could be the end of New Vista.” The student proclaims with a tear in his eye. This tissue epidemic is tearing New Vista kids apart, emotionally and physically. Last Friday a victim proclaimed how a kid ran buy and ripped the sleeve of his t-shirt clean off! Could this be the beginning of the New Vista Apocalypse? Students and teachers are getting paranoid, practically acting like savages towards each other. It’s just a matter of time when kids, and teachers, stop showing up to classes. They're have been kids around the school talking about staying home where they know they have tissues. There are a few kids however that are not taking this situation to such lengths, and instead are bringing mini packs of tissues from home. "I don't understand why everyone is freaking out about this," a New Vista student claims. "Like seriously bring tissues from home it's not that big of a deal," she said, annoyed. Others have been taking advantage of the issue and began a new trend of 'Tissue dealing.' The final question is; is this the end of New Vista, or are kids and adults simply over reacting?

Marissa makes edits

https://docs.google.com/a/bvsd.org/document/d/1XYV3eM9knXko-_pSTrVPY0st9HCp-P0MnhUcbfu1nlk/edit

Marissa makes edits

New Vista Mathletes Admit to Doping Allegations (added to paper)

    In a shocking twist, the students involved in Mathletes admitted to doping in order to increase their performance during the competition. On the night of, January 13th, several students including: (Editor's note: Names redacted due to privacy concerns) publicly announced their use of stimulants to improve their mathematical prowess. Over the past three years, the Mathletes team has acquired three first place trophies and one second place award. In fear of the controversy getting out, no Community Gathering announcements have been made regarding their success. The team met with a representative from the MDMA (Mathematical Doping Mitigation Association) on the thirteenth to discuss the issue. Details are scarce as of now, but one student has issued this statement:

    "We would have these parties, you know, where we all sat around and drank Five-Hour Energies, we downed pot after pot of coffee, kids were crushing up Flintstones chewables or making lines of Emergen-C and snorting them. Now that I think back on it, we were being really irresponsible and just not making good choices. I speak for the whole team when I say that we are deeply sorry for our actions. This whole situation is a disgrace to the intellectual community we want to foster." -Anonymous Mathlete

    The club originally denied the accusations, stating that the excess vitamins helped strengthen their immune systems. This reasonable claim fooled school officials, with the upcoming flu season threatening epidemic levels.  New Vista's tissue shortage acted as another excuse for the students.

    "They had me go out and get all of the supplements for them. It made sense at the time. If any of them got sick our chances at first place would be ruined. With how few tissue boxes we have left around here, the sick would be sent home. Late nights spent studying require lots of coffee, this is a known fact. I just didn't realize how much they were consuming in conjunction with everything else. All of these events have occurred behind my back. I thought the kids were genuinely great at math, but now I see that they were just on performance enhancers like caffeine the whole time. I'm sorely disappointed." - Hunter Chen, Mathletes club supervisor.

    The team is set to make an appearance in an interview with Oprah later in the month. Further complications are added by the vitamin "B12," which some scientists claim actually promotes healthier brain function. Kirk has issued a hold on New Vista's participation in the annual Mathletes competition for next year until a thorough investigation on the issue has been completed.

Marissa makes edits

Sean 

(Pfouts)

Ones I want Published

Bieber fever and flu mutate together to create new killer disease

A week ago in Builder hospital a female "Bieber fan" was rushed into the emergency room after picking up a tissue that Bieber had used at the concert and then smothered her face with said tissue. The doctor was quoted as saying “the child had already had bieber fever much before this incident. The regular flu was most likely caught from the tissue she grabbed.” The CDC has decided to name the new disease Onedirectividous. The expected casualties from the new epidemic is 15 million 9-17 year old female victims and most of the male 9-40 year old demographic really pissed off.

 

Unexpected High Demand of Tissues Causes Mass Shortage

Within the past month the demand for tissues has jumped by 42% and is expected to increase even more within the coming months. The New vista staff and students are in complete outrage over this issue, Pfouts has been quoted as saying “This Tissue Issue is completely unacceptable and must be solved immediately”, a anonymous student has been quoted “WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?! DO YOU WANT ME TO WIPE ON MY SLEEVE!?”. The file for more tissues has been sent into bvsd, but do to the the cost of the tissue boxes interfering with the costs of Boulder highs new complimentary cooked lobster lunches and imported silk curtains The tissue box order is most likely to be postponed for at least another month


Mutant Cockroach Formed from Leaking Black Sludge in Science Storage Closet

earlier this week a colony of new species of cockroaches was found in the science room storage area. Scientific experts have suggested that a colony of cockroaches was around for 20 years. The Cockroaches themselves appear to have 2 or more extra appendeges, with some having 2, and rarely, 3 heads. We sent an interview team to ask kirk why the leaky pipes have been leaking for at least 20 years. Kirk has this about the topic“The pipes have been leaking for at least a year, we have had this problem on our list of Issues needed to be resolved at number 237”. New Vista students planned a protest outside the science room about preventing the clean up of the toxic waste in order to preserve the species habitat. One student has been quoted saying “Cockroaches are such beautiful creatures, I have know idea why you would want to harm them or their habitat”. We can expect to see some discoveries about the creature in the coming weeks along with the verdict on whether or not to clean up the large scale chemical waste spill.

New Vista to Go Into Debt Over Cookie Budget

during last community gathering it was revealed to the public that with the current budget New Vista will not be able to keep up with monthly fees if the cookies are consumed in this manner. Julie has stated “there are a few ways to resolve the issue one we reduce the amount of cookies we buy or buy cheaper cookies.” Students are in an outrage over the issue, in fact, many students have taken matters into their own hands.  Students have formed various charities and cookie aid programs in a attempt to raise enough money such as “Cookie Aid and Support Group” (C.A.S.G.) and “Cookie Friday Charity Fund”(C.F.C.F). These charities have raise a substantial amount of money for cookie Friday, but it may not be enough The front office reports that only one half of the money has been raised to satisfy the cookie budget. You can expect to see the results of the fundraising this Friday, when you reach unto the famous big red bowl.

Anatomy Class: Suspected of Hunting Animals for Dissection (done)

    Kate Hartman, a local high school science teacher has been implicated in an unauthorized science project. Hartman's anatomy class was caught red handed hunting for various animals while they were supposed to be preparing for an upcoming test. Hartman allegedly wrote a grant for shotguns and high capacity assault rifles to be used during this so called "field trip." She spent several weeks writing it, and even had the Earth Task Force put several hours of sweat, blood, and tears into writing the grant. It was learned that Hartman had the students number off into groups and go hunting in the Cascade Natural Preserve, Beach Park, The Cemetery, and in the back field. Allegedly,  the class dragged mostly dead animals back to room, including some geese that were shot dead in the back field, for further observation and then, dissection. After the word got out of the barbaric hunting sessions the anatomy class has been having most students and faculty are requesting information on why they resorted to such methods. 

  The class, made up of mostly upperclassmen,  refused to comment on this matter due to colleges in the area finding out, but we lucked out and got a few "off the record" statements.

    One student made a comment saying "As we passed Joel's classroom he stuck his head out and barked, 'I hope you're at least going to clean up this bloody mess!' I was surprised he didn't faint." 

 Another source reported: "I saw Kate's class running for the hills, and I thought it must be so Joe doesn't see who made the mess on the floor." 

    Shocking as it may be, few New Vista community members were concerned about the lives that were lost. They were more worried about who was going to clean up this horrific mess in the 300 and 200 hallways? We suspect that this initial reaction was due to how the case of the pooper was handled. 

    A respected member of the NVHS community pointed out at last week's community gathering, "It hurts me to see all these important figures in the Boulder area hunting in city limits on top of people dumping on public bathroom floors." Many students nodded their heads in agreement, with a few shouts of encouragement thrown in, other students continued texting.

    The state attorney declined making any comments on the incident due to the on going investigation on the matter. Some neighbors of the school even say this isn't the first time a hunting expedition has been planned by teachers of this cutting edge school. There have been several police reports on dead animals being shot and left in the surrounding community, but no real action has been taken. 

    There will be a meditation and mate circle for the lives that were lost in this horrific tragedy. There will also be an open mic all night vigil. Religious leaders from throughout Boulder will contribute to this ceremony, so everyone in Boulder can participate. Local businesses that are organizing this event are having a few difficulties, one of them being able to find a local member of the Christian faith to talk to the Boulder community. Please join us at this ceremony being held in the NVHS gym at 6pm. Drum circle to be held at 8:30 until the waxing of the new moon.

Marissa makes edits

Gunk Covered Sleeves Overwhelming New Vista: "The Tissue Issue"

Baffled students run the halls, sleeves covering is disgusting amounts of nasal fluids. A popular name for the problem is: "The Tissue Issue". 

"I went to office this morning and they said, there is no more tissue," stated a horrified Andrew Pfouts.

"How will we survive this catastrophe, I mean look at my sleeves!" Said an exasperated New Vista student waving his snot covered jacket in the air.

"While were cut off from the tissue supply, I'm afraid we'll have to make due with the nature around us," said New Vista's principle.

Teachers have worked together to retrieve fresh leaves from the New Vista courtyard in order to make a substitute for tissues. However, due to the mistake of a guilty Pfouts, several students have wiped their noses with poison ivy, sending them into an itching frenzy. The poison ivy infected students are currently being kept in the nurses office. Extra resting arrangements for other affected students have been made in the community room.

Due to the snot covered messiness and poison ivy infection, students are quarantined to the school until further notice. The school asks that parents bring tissue and poison ivy medicine in order to clear up the disaster and allow the students home.

Obama to Blame For this Tissue Issue.******

Flu out breaks are happening at New Vista because of this tissue issue. Kids don't have a sanitary facial tissue to blow snot into so they have resorted to blowing their noses in others kids hair and on their clothing. This is causing germs to be spread much more quickly. "I am worried about what to do about this tissue issue because I can't get sick for the 7 time this quarter," one student says after three of his friends came down with flu-like symptoms. Unfortunately,Obama isn't giving enough money towards schools,making teachers go to extremes. One resource stated that a local teacher, Andrew Pfouts is requiring students to split the tissues and start to ration the supply. Especially with Obama's wife, Michel Obama, focusing on the fat kids and taking away the salt shakers they don't really care about whether or not kids are healthy because the fact that the flu doesn't kill that many people and Obama wants to prove that his health care system is working.  

Marissa makes edits

         Math class confirms, New Vista does NOT have 322 classrooms (added to paper)

Alex's math class has confirmed that New Vista does not posses 322 classrooms, despite the existence of a room number 322.

In a recent study, conducted by students in remedial figures II, students concluded that their are not 322 classrooms, and in fact less than 200. The study has not gone down well as many students, and teachers alike, have flocked in protest to room 322, home of Beth's Spanish Class. Needles to say, they are not happy with the development.

"It has always been a source of honor being the 322nd classroom in the school" Beth stated, "especially for my advisory." She further went on to say, "it was one of the requirements to pass Spanish 3, students had to count to 322 in Spanish."

    Much speculation has gone on as to how the study came about. Rumor has come out that a rogue student had insisted for years that their are not 322 classrooms in the school. Alex, being quite the intellectual, made his class solve the dilemma. The method in which the study was conducted has raised much controversy. When asked how the study was conducted Alex responded,

"I had my students count the total amount of tiles in the hallway, and from there we used the measurements of my room to find its area in terms of tiles. By counting all of the floor tiles in the hallway, and using the size of my room to create an average room size, we could use the total amount of tiles to calculate the theoretical area of the hallway. From their we divided total area by estimated area of our classroom, and got an answer of 189.898757. There's no way that 322 could fit. Because no one has been in the gym for over four years, we did not include it."

While the data seems sound, many people feel that this issue is more than just numbers.

"This is just stupid. Why the h*## would they number 322 rooms if they don’t have 322 f*&#$@*% rooms!” raged one incensed student. Others feel much the same way. As far as the students who conducted the study, many have mixed emotional feelings. Many students feel sad at having taken part in debunking the much loved school attraction. However, other students feel different.

“This has been a life changing moment for me” Said math student Gynerik Randomnaim, “I had never thought it possible that the builder people might actually lie about the number of rooms in a school” He further went on the add, “This gives me a great desire to become a lawyer, in order to stop people from causing so much harm by lying to our faces.”

    Several groups of students have put forth solutions, some students have voiced that it would be in the best interest to just ignore the study, while others have started a petition to construct extra rooms to bring the total number to 322. Nona Esita has announced that she will tackle the issue in her culminating project. 

    “I will use different methods of counting the rooms mathematically, and then I will manually count them.”

    Many students eagerly await her results.  

Marissa makes edits

New Vista Hacky Sack League grasp the world cup by its sack.  (added to paper)

We are just one game away from winning the World Foot Hacking championship. Our worthy opponents this year are the Japanese. The Japanese are huge hackers it has been a huge part of their culture for many years. The New Vista team needs support! Both teams have trained their whole life for this exact moment; to claim themselves as the ultimate hacky sackers. We are at a disadvantage this year because it is on Japan's home turf in Tokyo. The New Vista Hackers consists of five members that are taking it to the next level. All of whom have trained their whole life for this moment. One of the offensive players had this to say, "Yeah, I've been practicing about 12 hours a day and everywhere I walk I'm in a constant hack. The Japanese may have skill but we have the spirit and soul." Skeptics have said that our hacky sack team doesn't have the precision compared to the Japanese, however we have a secret weapon up our sleeve: newest team member Mike Codrey, he has been an expert hacker for over the past 30 years. He has proved again and again that he can take us to the next level. Mike has been the hope that we have needed this year to keep our team strong and on top. Mike was quoted saying, "Yeah I know I'm gonna have them by the sack. They have no idea whats going to hit them!" This attitude is what our team needs to dominate this. The competition will take place Febuaray 21st at 4:00am Mountain time, We are in desperate needs of fans to show up and give support. If your interested in coming to Tokyo for the World Hacking Cup please contact any hackers for a spot on the bus there.

Marissa makes edits

Mystery Poo Vigilante Still On The Loose!

New Vista has been in great peril in the recent weeks, everybody's been on edge. Watching every step you take, having to prepare for the worst. We have all had the fear of this dreaded bathroom fate, walking in with feces all over the floor. This happened just a month back in the boys bathroom during school. No one is prepared for the raunchy stench and foul images it scars your memories with. Who would do such a thing? I'll tell you. Someone with major problems towards the world. This person had to have planned this out for months in advance, such a complex and personalized attack would have taken a natural genius. This criminal is a menace to the safety of our bathrooms and we must stop him/her at all cost. A local Senior said about the incident, "Such an attack of this magnitude terrorizes the students of using the bathrooms, it strikes fear to step into any of the bathrooms whenever you're in the time of need to relieve." Local Freshmen had different ideas about the attack, he explained, " This Vigilante is a symbol of the rebellion against the common norm man, we need these people to push our limits of humanity, bro!"

Marissa makes edits

- Kirk resigns, Yvette to take power soon to come.

Outraged about losing their beloved sweater vest wearing principal, the students are furious. Yvette is already taking her new power into full force. In a recent statistics study from Tas and Yvette themselves show that Seniors are the main reason for leaving class, ditching, smoking on campus, and wandering halls without a pass. With this new data on her side it has been rumored Yvette wants to outlaw seniors! She has explained how seniors have the highest drop out rate out of any class and she wants to improve New Vista's analytics by ridding the seniors. What would New Vista be without its beloved seniors? It would be back to middle school that's what. Without Seniors to keep the other students in line freshmen will run rampant through the halls, sophomores will be taken seriously, and juniors would have the responsibility to keep things inline when they can't even keep themselves together. It would be an all school Apocalypse.

Marissa makes edits

Online Class

New Vista needs an especially absorbent tissue for our issue.

(Pfouts)

Late last week, while kids piled in the school 8:45 Friday morning, there was a not so silent terror in the air. Sneezes, coughs, and the familiar noises of phlegm hacking reverberated throughout the hallways and reminded us of what we needed the most: what we really needed were Tissues. Upon pursuit of a tissue box, students were swiftly and promptly debilitated by Ann for being in the hallway without a pass. Little did Ann know, is that she was sending several spewing sess pools with legs back to class tissue-less, with no method of controllably or responsibly excreting their snot loads. Upon return to class, two students sneezed simultaneously and painted an entire wall with phlegm. A fellow classmate was questioned about his experience witnessing this phlegmification. He stated, lips trembling with uncertainty and fear, "This is nothing compared to the sidewalk out front, in which phlegm puddles ripple as I walk by ". Administration have received several anonymous complaints from students about the "unsanitary" and "visually menacing" sidewalk outside of the 200 hallway. Luckily for phlegm contributors, it has proved to be reusable when dried out thanks to it's high nicotine levels. There is a CE opportunity for any student (preferably freshman) who wish to scrape phlegm every Wednesday for several hours, contact peer phlegm mentor Bayani if interested.  Administration decided that the phlegm inside the school is more of a priority than outside, so action was taken by our school leaders. By action being taken, of course I mean that nobody did anything except for look for Joe. Joe was found immediately and as soon as he saw the wall, he  muttered an honestly impressive collection of obscenities while finally leaving New Vista as fast as he super-humanly could. Without Joe, New Vista immediately was seized by the EPA and deemed as "unfit to sit in" and cordially rehabilitated our school over the weekend. Everyone should be pleased to see the sparkly less toxic version of our school this Monday, courtesy of national tax dollars and bleach. However,  we still need some tissues though, so call Pfouts on the Pfouts hotline at 1-800-WE-SHOULD if you have any tissues whatsoever worth donating, because 'you should"; and by "you should" we mean "you better."

Marissa makes edits

1/9 Warm-up 

Mike Codrey devours student's lunches during detention

There's a new bully around here at New Vista, and it isn't one of your fellow students. It's our very own Mike Codrey. According to our detention insider Sherise (a regular in room 208 during lunchtime) she brings lunch into detention every day, and Mike stops her and many other students at the door and searches their bags for food. The rumors going around include Mike being half bear, and being that it is winter, the human part of him retreats to hibernation while the bear wakes up and steals food. Likely? Possibly. Another more popular rumor going around is that Mike's Lohan obsession has gone to a new level, he tried mimicking the methods the detention lady from Freaky Friday has in the movie, where she would take students lunch when they come in. But when we came and confronted the man about all of this, we got a surprising result. He broke down in tears and finally produced words "You know, I always tell people to leave their emotions at the door, and I always come off as intimidating and kind of a radass, but the reason for all of that is that I just have a lot of feelings-" (there we go with the Lohan movie quotes) "And so when people are emotional around me, it provokes a lot of my emotions and I break down in tears. My personal rehabilitation method for this is food. They say never eat your feelings away because not only do we swallow the pain, but we swallow the calories too, but it's seemed to work with me, I mean, how am I supposed to survive a whole hour trapped in a room with students who fear me, when I might break down any second? I would lose every bit of credibility I have had, therefor I eat and eat during the lunch hour to curb my emotions, but now all the students hate me for stealing their food and that makes me even more sad!" We were very surprised from this information so all we could think to do was set up weekly appointments with him and the interventionist. We'll keep Mike in our prayers.

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Investagaturtle:

Rebellious Teenage Seagull Doesn't Play By Anyone's Rules

     In national news, adolescent Maine seagull is expressing his hate for the system by protesting in restricted areas about the restricted areas. This new trend is believed to b ea variety of "avian loitering" and is being swept up by all kinds of rebellious fowl countrywide.

    "This epidemic is getting way out of hand," said department of homeland security chief Otis Baker, "If this is not dealt with then what's next? Avian mugging, looting, and all around tomfowlery."

    "Get of my case bro," the bird responded, "Can't you see I'm trying to express myself? No one understands me."

    Our science watch team has just recently confirmed that birds can't read signs. Stay tuned for more updates.

Taylor

New Vista Experiences Drastic Climate Change

The Northern section of the school is experiencing enormous climate changes, leaving temperatures below zero, making the section of the school off limits to students. 

"Global warming has finally affected us personally," says a sophomore in ETC (Earth Task Force).

"I had half my classes there, now what am I going to do?" says a saddened student.

Teachers have sealed off the cold zone in order to stop it from spreading to the rest of the school while student scientists try to figure out why the issue is happening and how to solve it.

River:

Mystery Pooper lies low; school lunches lack fiber.

Despite intensive ongoing investigations within the office, the identity of the infamous anonymous pooper has remained a mystery. CSI Boulder has concluded that the poop and surrounding area show very typical signs of a bowel-related struggle, and a fecal constituent analysis report suggested that whoever laid these signs of rebellious stupidity desperately needs more fiber. Upon further investigation, the lack of fiber may be to blame on school lunches, except on days where beans are mandatory. A close-to-tears students admits that even though he sensed that his intestines were backed up, he was only allowed to take one dish of refried beans. "All I wanted was a second scoop, those beans are my medicine" he managed to communicate to us through tears. Administration reports that "When the perpetrator has been found, we promise they will have to wear a diaper at all times on school campus."

kandy:

 Student suspended for taking two cookies in Cookie Friday

    Today, Jan 11, a student was suspended from New Vista High school, for grabbing two cookies in cookie Friday  Ann, the school's secretary reports the following on this sudden consequence "it is unbelievable behavior  observing the current school budget. It was disrespect of school property". Kirk, the school principal adds..."I watched him outside the office, the student indeed had a malicious attitude by grabbing two cookies when he knows the role includes only one, he claimed one was for his friend". had  Though It was regretful, yet indeed a highly important measure of discipline. Student, plans to sue the principal, Kirk for this disciplinary action. 

eli:

    Local Man Has Too Much Swag

   BOULDER-- It was reported Friday that the swag limit had been reached. Native Coloradan TJ McSteeze was honored with the prestigious achievement after the photo (above) was taken of him in what appears to be his grandmother's Sunday best. 

"I've been going for the award for a while now", TJ commented "but once you get a ton of swag, it is quite difficult to get that last little bit." TJ was battling numerous people for the award including New Vista's own Michael Codrey whom he barely edged.