TCAP Issue

Student fills in everything but the bubbles, is deemed a genius

A student now known as "the smartest person in BVSD," received a 200% on TCAP due to a new genius discovery: shading in everything, except for the bubbles in the booklet, guarantees you the highest grade possible. The student, previously having a GPA of 1.0 has gotten an automatic boost to a 5.0, by the district, due to the superintendent's concern: "This student shows beyond the capability of a possible current-day successor of Einstein, and we must help him get a boost in order to get into a college that can teach him how to help the world." 

Going Past TCAP Stop Sign Leads To Six Car Pile Up

    Local student unwittingly caused a gruesome car wreck by disregarding the stop sign in his standardized testing booklet. The wreck caused five to be injured, and a total of eight casualties.

    "Damn kids never respect their traffic laws these days," said stereotypical crotchety elder, "With their iPhones and their, iMP3s, just going out there and going past their mandated test segments throwing all caution to the wind. 

-Ambiguous Cafeteria Food Review from Chad Brough:

Leek Special: TCAP Breakfast Review

by Chad Brough

    Yo, Chad Brough here, semi-live from the New Vista Cafeteria. Normally I pump out bangin' reviews of whatever's on the lunch menu the day I roll in. Today I'm reviewing something real special: the school-sponsored breakfast for the radical TCAPs. The food is mad chill. We got some bagels over here, no toaster included. Yogurts chillin' in ice. Maybe the cold is supposed to wake us up in the early hours. I don't know man, I don't know. Personally, my woman (Editor's note: Chad's Mom) made some dope eggs before we bounced. So, I'm not actually eating anything here. My crew has stomach space like totes. Don't worry, I'm still gettin' testimony for this sketch breakfast.

    My bro Randy smeared some fat cream-cheese on his poppy seed bagel. He says that (stuff) is dank. Nobody wants a bagel that might have come from the depths of some cave system in Borneo or something like--*ding dong ding* Kirk Quitter: "Good morning New Vista! It is now time to report to your testing rooms."--Uncool Brohammad Ali! It's time to start testing, we out. See all you fools next time you take a leek!

Peers, know your dictionary-approved TCAP vocab:

Definition of DANK: : unpleasantly moist or wet <a dank basement>

— dank·ly adverb

— dank·ness noun

FIONA: New Vista student doodles masterpiece on TCAP-  It’s no secret that New Vista students are deficient on the TCAP testing system. Over the years, our testing scores have steadily decreased, earning New Vista some of the worst scores in the state. Until now.

It was exclusively reported to the Leek that while grading TCAPs, a proctor came to a “Do Not Mark On This Page” page and found an "exceptional doodle." So exceptional, in fact that the proctor tore the page out of the test booklet and had it sent to the Denver School of the Arts, where they were so impressed with it as to offer the student a full- ride scholarship and hold an exhibit centered around the doodle itself. News of this got to the TCAP headquarters, where it has now been decided not to test New Vista students on academical subjects, deemed now as just "setting them up for failure." Instead, students now will be tested in subjects such as art, whistling, marimbas, meditation skills, and podulating.  It is expected that the school’s overall scores will dramatically increase, giving New Vista the funding we desperately need.

Student Ticketed and license taken for running stop sign in T-CAP

During the T-cap a student accidentally turned the page after finishing with the section. After he was immediately given a ticket and 4 points on his student license. The student previously had a issue with the district before, the student had no points left on his student license and had it then taken away as well as being expelled.

T-cap advisers to be given 20 cups of coffee and painkillers for next T-caps

BVSD has reported that multiple teachers have become numb to all pain or completely soulless and lack emotion. BVSD has announced that it will give all the the teachers overseeing the T-CAPs painkillers and 20 cups of coffee each day before the test is given in a attempt to treat the illnesss. Our team of Leek researchers have found out that not only is this caused by supervising multiple T-CAPs but It can only be cured by a bonuses, completely free Saturdays, playing Daniel Powter's Ya had a Bad Day or finish doing the T-CAPs

Congress Forced to Take TCAPs, score “partially proficient”

In accordance with new federal laws, all members of Congress were recently forced to take the TCAP. The test was conducted last week, and the results have just come in as a Leek exclusive. The mean of all the scores was deemed “partially proficient”. Governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger, got a "poor" rating and had this to say,

"It may be true that I got a poor rating on the TCAP, but remember, I'm not a test taker, I'M THE GOVERNATOR! I'LL BE BACK TO TAKE THIS TEST WITH EXTREME PREPARATION!!"

Arnold subsequently was escorted off the stage by his security team for a breather and some cookies.

The results of this test haven't changed the public's opinion on Congress, rather, it has effectively reinforced it.

TCAP reading changes students life

Every student at least once in their life has to experience the 'enjoyment' of taking the standardized tests. Most individuals dread this time of month, yet one student this year claims that the test has changed him for evermore. Student, Rogie Rogers, freshman at New Vista High School; claims that one of the stories within the reading section of the TCAP truly inspired him. "This story, it was just remarkable! I mean how could you not be touched by a boy and his dog? They grew up together and by the time the boy went off to college the dog knew it and couldn't take the pain so he died in the boys departure," Rogie Rogers had a tear in his eye as he finished telling the New Vista reporters about the story. Mr. Rogers claims that he had a dog that was very dear to his heart when he was younger and was able to relate. "My dog, Rosie, died when I just turned two," Rogie declares, "And this story makes me realize that I'm not alone, in such an awful lost." Although our reporters are still confused about well all of it, they paid their respect and went with Rogie Rogers to his dogs grave. According to the reporters the grave was surrounded by every type of dog biscuit a dog could ever wish for, along with flowers, and even one balloon. "I've never seen a dog missed so much by a boy who barely knew his dog in the first place, before," The New Vista reporter was astonished and speechless by the amount of goodies surrounding the burial of beloved Rosie. Standardized testing may be looked down upon many students, however; after this one incident the department refuses to take away the national standardized testing, and instead tells Rogie's story to students in hope to change their perspective about the test.  "Let's hope one day standardized testing will look at as a positive time of year and not as a negative.

For all the Short Paragraphs, you could do something like this:

Maybe do something like these?

http://www.leekolbert.com/2009/03/little-standardized-testing-humor.html

http://www.georgewaters.net/assi_9.html

http://www.thespoof.com/news/science-technology/102024/new-sat-tests-creativity

Alex

The life and lies of a TCAP proctor

When Rob Balland entered New Vista High School to proctor the school’s TCAPs, he had no idea what was awaiting him. “Well he started off joking around with other kids in the testing room,” the proctor explains. “I told him to stop talking, otherwise I’d have to boot him from the testing room and he’d get detention, and he quieted down.”

But that wasn’t even the start of it, “As I walked around the room to make sure kids weren’t doing anything they weren’t supposed to, I noticed that Johnny was using a mechanical pencil! Imagine that! I have no idea what was going through that boy’s mind; but I set him straight. He continued the test with a number two pencil from my personal stash.”

“Another five minutes went by quite smoothly, when suddenly a cell phone began playing the Dr. Who theme song! I scrutinized each student, but none looked the least bit guilty. Many of them were even smiling and tapping their feet to the tune. At that moment I realized that the noise was coming from the hallway! I peaked out while still keeping an eye on the kids in the classroom. If any of them decided to cheat it would screw up the entire school’s scores, and I didn’t want that. When I looked outside I noticed a group of about sixteen seniors just hanging out next to an open locker. They had a boom box and looked like they were trying to have a party in the middle of the hallway. The nerve! ‘Get out of here!’ I screamed at them ‘You aren’t even supposed to be in the school!!!’ They mostly just looked at me and laughed, though they did turn off that god-awful music. When I turned around to return to my seat, I noticed Johnny again. My goodness, that kid is something, and by something I don’t mean smart. Ladies and gentlemen, I turned around to see this kid filling in everything but the bubbles. When I told him that was wrong he answered by asking me seriously, ‘But this is what we’re supposed to do, right?’ I explained how to fill in the bubbles the correct way, but he just didn’t understand. Maybe he just doesn’t like to color inside the bubbles, huh? HA! Get it? Bubbles! Anywho, after that I glanced out into the hall and the seniors were just gone. They didn’t even leave their chips wrappers behind! Hopefully they recycled them... But my assumption is that they got bored and left. I don’t even understand why you’d choose to have a dance party in the middle of your school. I’ll tell you, when I was younger, heck, even now I...” parts of this interview have been edited out because of incriminating content. The Leek was unable to report further on the matter.

TCAP PRACTICE ISSUE-ELI AND HARPER

Eli- I put the Ikea horsemeat article on the Issue #3 page

Melissa Gray

New Vista puts strict rules and dress codes for TCAP's

TCAP's have always been a difficulty at New Vista, with scores low it evidently makes New Vista High look like an unfit school to send children. Principal, Kirk Quitter, took a tole throughout the school to why students don't enjoy taking the TCAP's and why/how they get distracted. It was proven that the students don't like the TCAP's because it's thought to be a pointless test. Not really a surprise there, however how/why they get distracted is a tad different than Kirk was expecting. Kids said that they would get distracted from the windows, peoples clothes and shoes, noises, etc. "This has helped tremendously!" Kirk claims, expressing his plan of action. "If we take away the distractions, then there would be nothing to concentrate on other than the test. The plan for 2013 TCAP testing now includes locked and blocked windows, dress code, and taking away pencils after testing is done. "It's not official yet, but I shall keep you posted to any changes of ideas," Kirk proclaims with enthusiasm.

 if picture does not work go here http://www.cartoonstock.com/newscartoons/cartoonists/mbc/lowres/mbcn2753l.jpg 

Was standardized testing responsible for the execution of King Louis?   (Jasper)

New evidence has recently emerged to state that standardized testing was responsible for the death of King Luis, as well as every one else put to death during the french revolution.  On march 27, 1790 the National Convention degraded that any want to executioner had to pass a test in order to achieve his license.  Yesterday a group of archeologists uncovered the diary of Jean Pierre IV, the executioner of king Luis.  

                      to be read in a thick stereotypical french accent  " I failed ze test tri times befor I past.  However, after months of study I finally remembered zhat the head goes into the choppy thing thing.  Not the other way around."  

While many people criticize standardized tests today, their is no doubt that the tests proved crucial in the development of the execution techniques.  

Connect the dots- ELI

Gianna: New Vista to lay off students: Kirk threatens to lay off students if they do poorly on the upcoming TCAP.

    At last weeks community gathering Kirk told students and staff a lay off was in the soon future. He went on to say "The lay off will not be for staff members, but for students. We want to make it clear how important it is to do well on TCAP this year, if you do poorly, you will be asked to leave the school and go else where." Students and staff members became shocked. One staff member suggested the possibility that Kirk was simple bluffing and would never damage the New Vista community like that. Other staff members and students weren't sure how to react so they left the auditorium speechless.  

    Leek members and the New Vista community eventually came into agreement that a meeting should be held to talk about laying off students. A staff member for the leek was sent in to the meeting to observe and take notes. While they were there the following questions came up multiple times; Is this really in everyone's best interest? How poorly does one have to do to get laid off? How many students will be laid off? Will there still be cookie Friday? Can I smoke during TCAP breaks?

    Kirk answered the questions as well as possible, but it was obvious many students didn't receive the answers they were looking for. Students were left taking the most important test of their lives in terror. The Leek staff predicts that students scores will hit an all time low this year. It's obvious that the New Vista administration planned this so they'll have a reason to lay off more students. 

Is it time to stab myself in the eye with this #2 pencil?

Dylan B. 

Big Changes in store for TCAPS

   COLORADO - In past years TCAP/CSAP has had many problems with their answering procedure. Proctors petitioned the test writers to change their approach for this year and many to come. There are many changes which should be making their way into the test in years to come. In the writing section writing activities will now be multiple choice allowing you to choose from prewritten sentences to create your responses. Multiple choice answers are also being drastically changed, and now will have multiple correct answers, this is expected to raise the grades of students that just guess as well as possibly teach students something if they don't know the answer.

TCAP snack funds reallocated

   BOULDER,CO - New Vista High School has rethought the funding for TCAP snacks this year. The Friday Cookie budget is nearly triple what it was expected to be this year due to students taking multiple cookies, to continue to provide cookies on Fridays the TCAP snack budget has been cut. Since students rarely show up the additional 15 minutes early for snacks, it has been determined that cookies are more important and more motivating.

HARPER AND ELI WILL COLLABORATE ON PUZZLES AND FUN VISUAL THINGS

Harper

New Vista Conforms Due To Cosmic Anomaly, TCAP

    Boulder valley's most alternative high school, New Vista, a school previously committed and passionate about fighting the system, upsetting the status quo, and all other forms of sticking it to the man has recently begun conforming in a shocking turn of events  that has shocked the whole of BVSD. Top astronomers cite the conjunction of venus and jupiter in the night sky as the reason for this anomaly, the ambient rays of the sun ionizing as they pass through venus' thick sulphur based atmosphere. And also TCAP. 

    "It's a whole different vibe," said Boulder High principal John McGroofeinheimer, "They haven't had any mate circles, any community murals, any slam poetry open mic nights, nothing liberal artsy for at least a week! I guess the planets just warped their brain waves. Also it's TCAP month."

    "I mean, I don't like standardized testing," said NV student, "But if I don't do well on TCAP our school won't get funding and I won't get into a good college, and robots will enslave all humans! At least that's what it said at the pep rally. Now you'll have to excuse me my primary directive is to use this break to get water and socialize. Must report to testing rooms Must report to testing rooms."

TCAP Replaced With Sudoku

    All across Colorado, teachers and students have been up in arms over the recent announcement that in lieu of Math or Science or Writing, the CSAP will now consist of a solitary sudoku puzzle. CSAP officials have assured students and administrators that they can rest easy knowing that they still have to use a number two pencil, and that they will still have to devote hours of their lives in silence for this mandated test.

    "I don't think it's going to be a big deal," said test designer Bill Schwartz, "We only replaced the TCAP with something more challenging, extensive, and worthwhile"

    "This isn't fair," said Boulder middle school teacher Sandra Gordon, "We didn't have an entire year to teach the test instead of valuable material. It's too difficult. Everyone knows students don't actually learn, they just regurgitate facts, but Sudoku requires synthesis! They can't regurgitate how to think for themselves!"

    TCAP officials sent out a practice test to assist teachers with test preparation, and schools across Colorado are reporting sweeping failures across the board, in both the sudoku portion, and the experimental crossword. 

    "F@#$! this!" local student said, "I don't know a ten letter word for distressed!" No schools are projected to receive any funding this upcoming year.

Sean:

Student uses #1 pencil instead of #2; 223 people were killed and 153 were injured.

During the T-CAP a student made the fatal mistake of using a #1 pencil instead of a number two. When the tests were turned in to the test grading machine it tried to read the test with the #1 pencils writer, it caused the machine to combust and release enough soul-crushing energy to kill a million happy people, luckily the grading machine was located in New York, New York so almost everyone had been unhappy at the blast site. unfortunately there were some people who had recently moved in and taken up the job at the faculty.

The blast killed 223 people and crushed 153 people's souls. There is expected to be a “terrible day” fallout until summer. The student has been taken to court on charges of; mass murder, 2nd degree murder, and mass dream crushing. The student has been sentenced to lifetime in jail.

why is the sky blue?

a. I ain't no Albert Einstein

b. it's all in our minds man

c. because democracy is F*&$ING AWESOME

d. none and/or all of the above

what would kirk do?

a. quit

b. play truth or dare with the staff

c.  sing every little things gonna be alright

d. walk into classrooms and pretend like your doing something important

one thing you can conclude from the civil war is...

a. Abraham linlcon is a badass vampire killer

b. some people are so stubburn they go and make a war of it

c. april is a bad month

d. john wilks booth really knows how to get into abes head

you want me to take t-caps you say?

I might as well just run away

or move to a foreign country

I don’t want to be a T-cap Zombie

you want me to take this T-cap abuse?

I would rather you give me a noose

Thank god after all that I’m a junior

it’s finally over

what is this A.C.T. you say?

OH MY GOD WHAT THE *CENSORED*

Tavius:

Practice Problems

Choose the word that best fits in the blank.

1. How much wood would a(n) ______ chuck if a(n) ______ could chuck wood?

a) guy named Chuck

b) groundhog

c) Chuck Norris

d) tree

e) axe

Leek Special: TCAP Breakfast Review

by Chad Brough

    Yo, Chad Brough here, semi-live from the New Vista Cafeteria. Normally I pump out bangin' reviews of whatever's on the lunch menu the day I roll in. Today I'm reviewing something real special: the school-sponsored breakfast for the radical TCAPs. The food is mad chill. We got some bagels over here, no toaster included. Yogurts chillin' in ice. Maybe the cold is supposed to wake us up in the early hours. I don't know man, I don't know. Personally, my woman (Editor's note: Chad's Mom) made some dope eggs before we bounced. So, I'm not actually eating anything here. My crew has stomach space like totes. Don't worry, I'm still gettin' testimony for this sketch breakfast.

    My bro Randy smeared some fat cream-cheese on his poppy seed bagel. He says that (stuff) is dank. Nobody wants a bagel that might have come from the depths of some cave system in Borneo or something like--*ding dong ding* Kirk Quitter: "Good morning New Vista! It is now time to report to your testing rooms."--Uncool Brohammad Ali! It's time to start testing, we out. See all you fools next time you take a leek!

Peers, know your dictionary-approved TCAP vocab:

Definition of DANK: : unpleasantly moist or wet <a dank basement>

— dank·ly adverb

— dank·ness noun

Taylor:

'

Teachers Add New Rule to the Books: Students Must Break a Pencil Every Five Minutes

    After reaching the limits of their boredom through the TCAP testing periods, teachers have created a new rule to add to their 5 minute lectures: The students must break a pencil every five minutes and request a new one. Some students have rebelled against this new rule, saying its a "waste of pencils". Other's join in the fun and find many different ways to break their pencils such as burning them with lighters, snapping them over the heads of neighbors, and elaborate origami. 

     FIONA: New Vista student doodles masterpiece on TCAP-  Its no secret that New Vista students are deficient on the TCAP testing system. over the years our testing scores have steadily decreased, giving New Vista some of the worst scores in the state. Until now. It was exclusively reported to the Leek that while grading TCAPs a teacher came to a Do Not Mark on This Page sheet and found an "exceptional doodle." so exceptional in fact that they proctor tore the page out of the test booklet and had it sent to Denver school of arts where they were so impressed with it, they offered the student a full ride scholarship and had an exhibit centered around the doodle itself. News of this got to the TCAP head courters where it has now been decided not to test New Vista students on academical subjects, because it is just "setting them up for failure," instead students now will be tested in subjects such as; art, whistling, marimbas, meditation skills, and podulating.  it is expected that the schools overall scores will greatly increase giving New Vista the founding we disparately need. 

Chris Stratton - 2/27 - Dont Write here

    Student writes in Do Not Write here zone and gets consequences from the TCAP lords. In the past year stories have been uncovered about the disapearence  of a New Vista Sophomore student. Our inside story has first hand accounts from his friends who saw him last before the TCAPS. They started with saying how the student was talking about conspiracy theories about how "The TCAPS were all a scam in our education system to form our education system into a mass production of industrial robots used to fuel our corrupt and money hungry corporations and government." Other reports came from students sitting next to the him in the testing room that implied that he was "drawing a masterpiece". Next thing they know is they come back from their second break and this student is gone. No where to be seen or heard from we can only make conclusions that he was writing in the do not write zone and has been taken by this mystic lords of the TCAP. Please head this warning for this years TCAP and DO NOT write in the DO NOT WRITE zone.