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Issue #3

When detention becomes dangerous

What at first began as a simple idea has become the dreadful reality for any New Vista High School student sent to detention.

New Vista High School is well-known for its alternative learning practices. But some say that teacher and detention master Mike Codrey has gone too far. “When the order came in, I had no idea what it was,” recounted front desk receptionist Isabelle Norvil. “I took the clipboard to sign for it and the description said that the boxes contained ‘survival gear’. That’s when Mike entered the office to retrieve all ten boxes. I guess it was a bit weird, but I’ve learned to keep my nose out of other people’s business. I told Kirk about the incident and forgot about it soon after.”

A detention insider who wishes to remain unnamed helped us understand the situation, “So a couple of weeks back I was talking to Mike about how we could make detention more interesting. Have you ever been to detention? Cuz it’s really lame. Anyway. I joked about making students choose between fighting a horse-sized duck, fighting ten duck-sized horses, or reading The Leek for our entertainment. Suddenly Mike got quiet and began staring out the window, lost in thought. That’s when he muttered three words: “The Hunger Games”. Of course an awkward silence ensued ‘cuz I mean duh. That was creepy. After that we began arguing about if a ninja or a pirate would win at a fight between the two. It would definitely be the ninja. Like he’d be able to sneak up behind the pirate and stab him in the back before the pirate even noticed a fight was going on. I don’t see why that’s so difficult to grasp. But anyway, I guess I just forgot about the idea. Then about a week ago Mike just walked into detention with boxes of spears and survival gear and stuff and asked me to help him set it up. Apparently he took his Hunger Games detention idea seriously, but I didn’t. I said ‘no’ and bolted. I mean students killing each other during detention? That’s crazy, man.”

When asked to comment, principal Kirk Quitter issued this statement: “The Quitter administration fully supports Codrey’s right to govern detention however he sees fit. If he wishes to introduce alternative practices he may do so. If it helps the school transition to robotic students then all the better!”

Codrey declined to comment. Three students from New Vista High School remain missing. They were last seen armed and roaming Chautauqua park.

TCAP Issue

The life and lies of a TCAP proctor

When Rob entered New Vista High School to proctor the school’s TCAPs, he had no idea what was awaiting him. “Well he started off joking around with other kids in the testing room,” the proctor explains. “I told him to stop talking, otherwise I’d have to boot him from the testing room and he’d get detention, and he quieted down.” But that wasn’t even the start of it, “As I walked around the room to make sure kids weren’t doing anything they weren’t supposed to, I noticed that Johnny was using a mechanical pencil! Imagine that! I have no idea what was going through that boy’s mind; but I set him straight. He continued the test with a number two pencil from my personal stash.”

“Another five minutes went by quite smoothly, when suddenly a cell phone began playing the Dr. Who theme song! I scrutinized each student, but none looked the least bit guilty. Many of them were even smiling and tapping their feet to the tune. At that moment I realized that the noise was coming from the hallway! I peaked out while still keeping an eye on the kids in the classroom. If any of them decided to cheat it would skew the entire school’s scores, and I didn’t want that. Anywho, when I looked outside I noticed a group of about sixteen seniors just hanging out next to an open locker. They had a boom box and looked like they were trying to have a party in the middle of the hallway. The nerve! ‘Get out of here!’ I screamed at them ‘You aren’t even supposed to be in the school!!!’ They mostly just looked at me and laughed, though they did turn off that god-awful music. When I turned around to return to my seat, I noticed Johnny again. My goodness, that kid is something, and by something I don’t mean smart. Ladies and gentlemen, I turned around to see this kid filling in everything but the bubbles. When I told him that was wrong he answered by asking me seriously, ‘But this is what we’re supposed to do, right?’ I explained how to fill in the bubbles the correct way, but he just didn’t understand. Maybe he just doesn’t like to color inside the bubbles, huh? HA! Get it? Bubbles! Anywho, after that I glanced out into the hall and the seniors were just gone. They didn’t even leave their chips wrappers behind! Hopefully they recycled them... But my assumption is that they got bored and left. I don’t even understand why you’d choose to have a dance party in the middle of your school. I’ll tell you, when I was younger, heck, even now I...” parts of this interview have been edited out because of incriminating content. The Leek was unable to report further on the matter.

Issue #2

Love is in the air... Or is it?

Is there really something going on between Kara and Andrew Pfouts? The Leek reports.

As this year’s annual Valentine’s Day celebration rolls around, students and teachers throughout New Vista have been asking the same question: are resident teachers Andrew and Kara Pfouts really ‘just friends’? “I dunno, but they’re always making goo-goo eyes at each other in the hall. Plus they do share a last name...” one student remarks. When asked to comment, both Kara and Pfouts stated: “We never said that we were just friends.” “I think it’s fairly obvious that the two are in denial,” one teacher (who wishes to remain anonymous) explains. “Their forbidden workplace love has imparted a guilty conscience upon them. This shame is mixed with their frustration about students’ constant badgering, and they’re forced to keep quiet about the entire thing.” Students have reported photographs of the two together—with children—in both teachers’ rooms, sightings of the two together at lunch, and brief descriptions of how the two met at college.asn’t the only one “I was walking along with a handful of cookies I’d grabbed during the Cookie Friday Frenzy,” another student claimed. “Suddenly someone shoved me against a locker, hard. When I looked up my cookies had disappeared and I was holding a note. It read One Cookie Rule! I don’t even know how she did it all so quickly, or even how she knew to write the note. Maybe she was part of that secret ninja workshop they had at New Vista a couple years back...”

The Snack Swiper has also made off with several hundred dollars worth of vending machine food. Students have complained about their purchased food “just not falling down.” “I think she must have some way to override the machines,” vending machine expert Bob explained, “so that when students insert money and make their selection, the machine is programmed to withhold both the money and the goodies. When the Snack Snatcher then comes to collect, she merely has to enter a code and out pop both the chow and the change. It’s quite an ingenious system.”

Currently, the newly-founded club New Vista H.A.C.K.E.R.S. is working with school administration to solve the vending machine problem. Students are warned not to pay for vending machine snacks and to stay alert for suspicious behavior such as lip smacking, mouth watering, and stomach growling. Hall passes will be issued until this matter is cleared up or until teachers tire of using them.

1/30 Warm-Up:

Photoshop: a tool for destruction?

Photoshopped image initiates revolt, thousands plan to overthrow the U.S. government

Issue #1Snack Swiper strikes again

The elusive Snack Swiper has made off with several more food items and several dollars from the vending machine again this week. School administration warns students to stay on their guard until the culprit is found.

Food has become a rare sight at New Vista High School. Not because of the overpriced vending machine goodies, but because of the recent assaults on any student brave enough to bring foodstuff into the hallways. For the sixth time this month the Snack Swiper has gotten her snacks just the way she likes them: free and ready to eat. “She just comes out of nowhere!” reported a student, whose name has been withheld due to safety reasons. “One minute I was holding my box of donuts, chatting with my friends and having a good time. The next thing I knew, I was sprawled on the floor watching a pair of boot-clad feet running off with the entire box! It was the saddest day of my life.” He w

1/15 Warm-Up:

New Vista's Tissue Issue

The tissue deficiency at New Vista High School has hit many students hard. The Leek reports the why of the matter.

Tissues have been disappearing at a rapid rate around New Vista high school. Some may blame the recent Bieber Fever outbreak, others Obama, but the true reason for this tissue issue is Loren’s most recently added “Tissue” section of the Functional/Wearable Art class. “We’ve been making everything out of tissues!” an art student reported “Clothing, purses,  masks, chairs--anything that could fit into the “functional” or “wearable art” categories--we’ve made it out of tissue.” Loren refused to answer questions, but told The Leek “Making tissue art has worked even better than I expected. I’m planning on having a fashion show filled only with the students’ tissue designs. The stage will be covered with tissues and the music will be tissue-themed. It will be the biggest production this school has ever seen! I hope everyone will show up to see it.” In the meantime, Kirk plans to speak to students about the tissue shortage during next Community Gathering. He hopes to teach students proper Tissue Etiquette and demonstrate the Sleeve Technique. 1/9 Warm-Up:When Community Experiences become dangerousCE shortage causes frenzied students to race to Cheryl’s desk. Death toll remains unknown.

Due to a Community