Kelvin's Page

ISSUE #1-2

OBAMA FAVORS HEAT: OKLAHOMA'S BRIBED LOSS REVEALED BY NEW VISTA STUDENT

A surprising fact arose as last year, as the Miami team won the NBA finals for its second win, passing the previously known to be more powerful (Lakers, Celtics, Spurs etc.). Many questioned how this happened. However, a couple of days ago, a student at New Vista named Kavon Duraanti, has reported to have seen, and has posted on Facebook an undercover video from Dexter Pittman, in which Obama intents to bribe the Oklahoma City Thunder, and later threatens to deport them if they don’t purposely mess up. In an interview with Kirk, Serge Ibaka, says: “I know, accepting, was wrong, but we had no choice. Now the whole world thinks that Miami beat us because they’re good, even THEY thought we were actually playing, and they still do. I mean, right after the camera went off after the game, LeBron started skipping around us and saying: “we own you, fooooooooooooooooooo -20 minutes later- ooooooooooooooooooollss,” in a high pitched impersonation of Justin Bieber voice.

It is reported that LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh, Ray Allen, Mario Chalmers, Udonis Haslem, Rashard Lewis, Shane Battier, Mike Miller, James Jones, Chris Anderson, Joel Anthony, and Jarvis Varnado still don’t know that they were being duped (Everyone except Dexter Pittman. And, Norris Cole just knows because his real name is Cole Norris and he’s Chuck Norris’ long lost twin brother. See next Issue for full story) (Until they read The Leak

NEWLY HARD CORE RAVENS FAN GETS HIS WINGS BURNED DUE TO TOO MUCH HEAT (Pfouts)

There are people that are fans of a certain team, which they stay loyal to, and people that are conveniently fans of teams that are guaranteed to win. On Sunday February third,

-Hot wings for Super Bowl spark Lakewood fire that burns up a neighborhood

-Jacoby Jones' (WR 12) touchdown made forget about donut/veggie flavored hot wings on grill

-repeat of last years 49 sourdough cookies that set kitchen on fire in previous neighborhood

IS TISSUE THE ISSUE?   

An observed, significant loss of tissues has been reported over the past few days at the New Vista campus. According to Joseph Charles, the president of the RAMAH (Regional Association of Maintenance And Hygiene), the problem, may just be a small part of a bigger real problem. After the recent outbreak of the severe B1F1 virus, or commonly known as Beiber Fever, the virus has been tested to most quickly spread on things containing elements of trees. Billy Mcwaffler a Junior at New Vista, says: "the thing is, we don't have enough sanitary paper to write on anymore, and when there was, it ran out really quickly, that's also why people started to write on the walls of the bathroom for a while." The B1F1 virus has already caused one death as reported earlier, but continues to spread rapidly, not only around New Vista, which is a big factor to large absence records, but the nation as a whole, and has caused a huge shortage o paper and furniture.

WARNING!

AVOID ALL PHYSICAL CONTACT WITH PAPER, FURNITURE, OR ANY OTHER THING WITH TREE MATERIAL, THAT SLOWLY FLASHES BRIGHT RED AND HAS A VERY FAINT SOUND OF THE SONG BABY, IT MAY BE INFECTED WITH B1H1!  (or it could be your cat with a flash light)          

Cheryl with the strategy of the intimidation of an out-numbering mob                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            LAST MINUTE UNDER-WATER BASKET-WEAVING WORKSHOP PLEA DENIED DUE TO LACK OF AUTHORITY TO TURN THE 200 HALLWAY INTO A POOL        

 Seven New Vista students attempt to receive a thumbs up from 

Kirk's long awaited signature for permission of a new student-hosted workshop, has finally come in, but as a denial. see W1 (pg12)