Jasper's Page
Issue 3 to be published
New Vista to replace students with robots
In a shocking decision on Wednesday, Principle Quitter has announced that starting in the 2013-2014 school year all students will be replaced with roots.
The decision was made in order to improve the environment around New Vista, as well as the test scores. “The wonderful things about robots,” stated Kirk Quitter, “is that if you don’t like the way they are than you can just reprogram them.” Many teachers seem overjoyed at the prospect of teaching robots, however, one teacher still feels a little sad about the loss of students.
“It is just not the same to verbally abuse robots,” grumbled Marco De Martino, “they don’t cringe the same, and they have no fear. At least they will always turn their work on in time.
The prospect of eliminating late work is just one of the many benefits of replacing the students with robots. “We will save a fortune by not having to buy cookies for cookie friday, and we can fire all of the lunch people while we are at it,” stated Ivette.
Reportedly New Vista will be purchasing many different types of robots. Such as the AR-7a, which is designed for the purpose of passing TCAPS, the AR-7b, which is designed for passing college entrance exams. The AR-8 which are designed for designed to clean up after themselves, share with others and say please when they ask a question. The most expensive robot that New Vista will be acquiring is the vaunted AR-11d, which is designed to dominate at sports.
“We have purchased about 40 of the AR-11d, we hope to use them to win the state championships of football, soccer and basketball,” said Kirk during the latests community gathering.
While the members of the school, and the National Education Committee are all ecstatic at the prospect of using the robots, taxpayers have begun to grumble about the hefty price tag they will be picking up. The prices of the robots range from $23,000 for the AR-8, to $250,000 for the AR-11d. “I am not sure if I like the idea of having to cover the tab for the the robots,” said Nancy Pearson, “I don’t see what was wrong with the old students, although some of them really got on my nerves.”
Despite some discontented grumbling the proposed robots are gaining more and more support in the community, the question that has yet to be answered is what will happen to the students already attending New Vista? “I don’t know,” said Kirk, maybe they will go live under a rock for the rest of their lives, but it is not about the students, it is about the future. It just so happens that the future at New Vista does not have any room for living students, so I wish them the best of luck in their life’s endeavors.
New do not mark in this booklet leads to all-time low TCAP scores
For the first time ever many TCAP booklets came with a "Do not Mark in this booklet sign on the front" Needless to say schools around the country have been racking up the worst recorded scores in TCAP history, the worst scoring state was Wyoming, when asked about their parent failure the Wyoming Minister of education had this to say, "What has me worried is not that we are failing the TCAP, but why are students in Wyoming taking the Transitional COLORADO Assessment Program tests."
µ+π ≠ the square root of infinity
The future of standardized tests
Many people may wonder what does the future of standardized tests hold? The answer cane summed up in two words, number three pencils. This is not going anywhere so I will do something else now.
TCAP makes you dumb
Your mind is floating away
this is a haiku
Was standardized testing responsible for the execution of King Luis?
New evidence has recently emerged to state that standardized testing was responsible for the death of King Luis, as well as every one else put to death during the french revolution. On march 27, 1790 the National Convention degraded that any want to executioner had to pass a test in order to achieve his license. Yesterday a group of archeologists uncovered the diary of Jean Pierre IV, the executioner of king Luis.
to be read in a thick stereotypical french accent " I failed ze test tri times befor I past. However, after months of study I finally remembered zhat the head goes into the choppy thing thing. Not the other way around."
While many people criticize standardized tests today, their is no doubt that the tests proved crucial in the development of the execution techniques.
Issue 3
What Jasper plans to do.
I will write a 400 word story for the 3rd issue
I will help with the sports charter group,
I want to play a big role in the leek news.
Area man tells unfunny joke
An area man has reportedly told an unfunny joke during last nights
dinner.
He reportedly told the joke after listening to his family tell about their days. "it was not funny at all." said Ken Gardner, "I did not even think about laughing." In fact by accounts, the joke was so unfunny it actually permanently hurt peoples sense of humor. "Ever sense I heard that joke, I have not found anything funny sense." Said Lucy Gardner, sister of Ken. "I mean I like looked over at Ken and was totally like WTF, and then he was like OMG that was sooo not LOL." The man responsible for telling the joke, James Gardner, did not think the joke was such a bad idea at the time. "I thought it was a little funny, just something to break the ice you know?"
The joke was so unfunny that in a matter of minutes the next door neighbors were busy not laughing. "As soon as I heard the joke I had to call the neighbors to tell them how unfunny the joke was." posited Samantha Gardner, wife of the James.
Kirk calls emergency Community Gathering to say everything is alright
Thursday afternoon Principle Kirk Quitter called an emaergency community gathering to tell the school everything is all right.
At 9:31 am Kirk came onto the loud speacker to anoun
ce "this is an emergency everyone please proceed to the auditoriom and remain calm." Nautrally panic ensued as many students of weacker character gave in to fits of fright, some reportedly wet them selves.
"I was scared out of my mind," said Skardy the Kat. "I was about ready to panic, I thought we was all going to die, but then.... I dont remeber the rest.. I woke up in the infirmary later that afternoon."
Skardy was not the only pearson to overtaken with fear as he was one of 12 students to faint. However the panic soon turnned to calm as Kirk made his aannounment.
"for score and 12 years ago I leaf fell out of a tree. Now that same leaf is no more, but the TV was great lat night. I watched a movie with a giant godzilla and a overgrown anteater eating eachother. The dg won.... pause for laughs, I mayhave lost my mind but this story is not going anyhere so I will now stop. But because I can not change the fabrique of time this story must go on.
Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Curabitur massa neque, congue et lobortis aliquam, consectetur sit amet mi. Mauris fermentum semper nibh nec aliquam. Curabitur sed erat dui, non luctus velit. In lectus nunc, auctor elementum tincidunt non, pretium lacinia turpis. Suspendisse imperdiet sem quis urna condimentum varius. Etiam pretium urna eget erat aliquet eleifend. Donec faucibus, nisi non congue tempor, ante dui porttitor metus, in suscipit neque massa porta nisi. Nulla facilisi. Phasellus in massa justo. Fusce ac leo massa. Vestibulum suscipit risus vitae metus dignissim quis porta massa scelerisque. Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Pellentesque aliquet leo a massa consequat vitae imperdiet ante gravida. Aenean sollicitudin rhoncus turpis, eget dignissim elit rutrum a. Suspendisse potenti.
Integer tincidunt, urna sit amet faucibus porttitor, turpis felis condimentum ipsum, eget mollis arcu ligula et ipsum. In sit amet leo mi, a varius ante. Sed ac bibendum arcu. Maecenas tempor, tortor tempus faucibus suscipit, massa ligula luctus nisl, quis lobortis ipsum quam sit amet nulla. Maecenas at massa ac ante lobortis viverra. Nunc faucibus auctor dolor nec elementum. Pellentesque quis neque eget libero volutpat gravida quis blandit nulla. Praesent porta congue velit sit amet dapibus. Phasellus sollicitudin vestibulum convallis. Sed nec quam hendrerit nibh fringilla scelerisque. Fusce arcu purus, viverra eget placerat ac, congue quis mauris. Cras quis arcu ante. Curabitur congue, mauris in aliquet aliquet, diam ipsum varius est, ac fringilla sem diam vitae turpis. Curabitur mollis felis vitae odio pharetra tristique. Nunc luctus condimentum elementum. Integer diam urna, hendrerit sit amet porta in, hendrerit in neque. Pellentesque habitant morbi tristique senectus et netus et malesuada fames ac turpis egestas. Nulla semper pulvinar dolor, at consectetur erat luctus non. Nunc commodo ullamcorper lorem, vel commodo purus eleifend a. Integer bibendum felis a ipsum volutpat vitae gravida augue rhoncus. Aenean imperdiet est et turpis rutrum fringilla a id velit. Donec pharetra libero sit amet velit ultrices ultrices. Sed a leo nisi. Integer sapien mi, feugiat ut facilisis at, placerat ut enim. Integer magna nisi, imperdiet id eleifend ut, adipiscing eu est. In leo massa, semper sit amet tempus eget, dignissim eu risus. Sed ut ipsum eu urna luctus vehicula non et nisl. Sed auctor sodales odio eget aliquet. Aenean eleifend placerat sagittis. Fusce dapibus porta ligula ac tincidunt. Vivamus quis lorem non turpis porta volutpat sed a risus. Curabitur eu dignissim metus. Vivamus felis elit, blandit in pretium eu, rhoncus quis nunc. Quisque lacinia enim id mi vehicula nec fermentum odio commodo. Nullam varius cursus ipsum sit amet tempus. Nunc tincidunt leo vitae nulla ultricies molestie. Proin eget massa magna, id eleifend tortor. Integer velit eros, placerat ut ullamcorper vel, pellentesque a massa. Etiam nec sem ligula. Etiam imperdiet aliquam aliquet. Suspendisse vel sapien elit, nec ultrices dolor. Nulla augue ligula, iaculis ut viverra non, elementum iaculis lorem. Phasellus vitae ornare magna. Fusce ornare hendrerit metus in vulputate. Aenean congue leo at nulla luctus pulvinar. Vivamus vulputate, dolor a consequat placerat, nisi nunc luctus sapien, sed aliquam mauris nisi eget velit. Ut et nunc id tellus cursus fermentum. Sed dignissim leo et ligula ullamcorper rutrum. Cras feugiat nisi non velit suscipit aliquam commodo leo feugiat. Vestibulum ante ipsum primis in faucibus orci luctus et ultrices posuere cubilia Curae; Sed in dolor justo.
2/13 TCRAP warm up #1
Student fills in bubble all the way.
A student taking a the TCAP has filled in the bubble to the first question all of the way. The student had read the question, pertaining to which word best filled in the blank. After a few moments of contemplation he chose answer B as the correct choice and filled it in. Just as he was moving on towards the next problem he had realized the bubble was not filled in all of the way.
"It was a moment of horror," the student said, "But I knew that all I had to do was make sure it was filled in a gain, so I erased my answer choice and filled it in again, this time making sure it was filled in all the way."
Kirk has sense praised the student for his clever ingenuity and his ability to work under pressure. His thoughtfulness has garnered national attention as the minister of education even tweeted, "I am so proud of New Vista for how they teach their students. Well done."
However, not all is well. A groups of smart kids has been protesting out front of the school claiming that answer was not B, but C. In an attempt to prevent a scandal Sate of Colorado ha decided to officially change the answer to B. Additionally the student has been awarded the god Samaritan award, and the promise of a complete state funded education for his diligence to the rules.
New Section
2/6 Warm Up
New Vista Quidditch Team Advances to National Tournament
The New Vista Quidditch Team has advanced to the national tournament after finish first in the Western Conference Regionals. They defeated Hopkins High School from Minnesota in the final by a score 150 to 0. The game lasted less than 20 seconds before New Vista seeker Garry Plopper bought the Plastic Snitch. This marks the 4th consecutive time New Vista has one in under a minute.
Garry Plopper was more than happy to revile the secret behind his success. "The problem with non magical quidditch is that the PLastic Snitch can't fly. It just sits in the crate for the whole time. Not many people realize this and keep playing until the crate is kicked over and the snitch rolls out. After watching some film I finally realized this, and now I just run straight for the crate to get the snitch. "
Plopper's revolutionary realization has turned many heads in the National Quidditch Association, or NQA.
"this is an oversight that we failed to account for," sated Guy Manderson, head of the NQA, we also failed to account for the fact that the brooms can't fly, so no one has yet to score on the 50 foot high goals.
2/6 Warm Up
New Vista Ultimate Team wins New Vista Ultimate Championship
New Vista Ultimate has won its 10th consecutive NVHS Ultimate Championship. They defeated a team of detention serving students
Warm Up 1/30
New Study, Office Bullies are Fat
In a recent study the amount of office bullies who are categorized as obese or overweight is on the rise, while the amount who "just have big bones is decreasing.
It is common knowledge that in order to be considered for the term "office bully" one needs to be very large. However the amount of office bullies who just have big bones is decreasing rapidly as modern science and medicines have determined that a large amount of them are actually fat, rather than big boned. Big boned bullies still do exist, just at a much lower number. It has been asked many times why it is essential to be big on order to be a office bully. This newspaper article is not going anywhere so I will switch the topic of over zealous chickens inhabiting the north metro area in denver.
The chickens have been very annoyingly clucking at passerby's, and even flapping their wings over excitedly. New reports suggest that some of them have even begun to chant "Eat more beef", a "A hamburger a day keeps the butcher away." More than one of them have produced signs to similar effect.
The protest rapidly turned into a riot as the metro station Chick-Filet was burned to ground and its employes crucified. The so called chicken rebellion has reached levels of violence never before seen in the history of disconcerted poultry. The leader of the rebellion a self proclaimed "clucker" has been seen meandering around the wreckage looking for scraps. The riots where soon put down by the rival of the coast guard and Godzilla.
Warm Up 1/29
Valentines Day Changed to Talk Like A Viking Day
Valentine's Day has been officially changed to National Talk Like a Viking Day. From now on instead of giving each other carnations, people will be encouraged to talk like a viking.
"It is like talk like a pirate day except only better," stated one exited student from New Vista High School. Many people share this opinion. The change was brought about by a series of complaints sent to International Comity of Fun, or IFC. Many people thought that Valentines Day had gotten old.
Issue 1
Math class confirms, New Vista does NOT have 322 classrooms
Alex's math class has confirmed that New Vista does not posses 322 classrooms, despite the existence of a room number 322.
In a recent study, conducted by students in remedial figures II, students concluded that their is not 322 classrooms, and in fact less than 200. The study has not gone down well as many students, and teachers alike, have flocked in protest to room 322, home of Beth's Spanish Class. Needles to say, they are not happy with the development.
"It has always been a source of honor being the 322nd classroom in the school" Beth stated, "especially for my advisory." she further went on to say, "it was one of the requirements to pass Spanish 3, students had to count to 322 in Spanish."
Much speculation has gone on as to how the study came about. Rumor has come out that a rogue student had insisted for years that their are not 322 classrooms in the school. Alex, being quite the intellectual, made his class solve the dilemma. The method in which the study was conducted has raised much controversy. When asked how the study was conducted Alex responded,
"I had my students count the total amount of tiles in the hallway, and from there we used the measurements of my room to find its area in terms of tiles. By counting all of the floor tiles in the hallway, and using the size of my room to create an average room size, we could use the total amount of tiles to calculate the theoretical area of the hallway. From their we divided total area by estimated area of our classroom, and got an answer of 189.898757." There's no way that 322 could fit. Because no one has been in the gym for over four years, we did not include it."
While the data seems sound, many people feel that this issue is more than just numbers.
"This is just stupid” Why the h*#@ would they number 322 rooms if they don’t have 322 f*&#$@*% rooms!” raged one incensed student. Others feel much the same way. As far as the students who conducted the study, many have mixed emotional feelings. Many students feel sad at having taken part in debunking the much loved school attraction. However, other students feel different.
“This has been a life changing moment for me” Said math student Gynerik Randomnaim, “I had never thought it possible that the builder people might actually lie about the number of rooms in a school” He further went on the add, “This gives me a great desire to become a lawyer, in order to stop people from causing so much harm by lying to our faces.”
Several groups of students have put forth solutions, some students have voiced that it would be in the best interest to just ignore the study, while others have started a petition to construct extra rooms to bring the total number to 322. Nona Esita has announced that she will tackle the issue in her culminating project.
“I will use different methods of counting the rooms mathematically, and then I will manually count them.”
Many students eagerly await her results.
1/17/2013
Draco Malfoy flunks Spanish 3
Student Suspended for Taking Two cookies, Claims "he was taking one for a friend."
Friday morning Boomer Fudge was suspended for two days for taking two cookies from the cookie jar. He claims he was taking one for a friend.
A small group of students feel outraged by the decision, but they are by far the minority.
"When I heard that they caught a guy taking two cookies I was overjoyed. I hope they expel him." Recounted Cornelius Caramel.
He is not alone in his belief as the increasing amount of multi-cookie takers has left many students feeling outraged.
1/16/2013
Math class confirms, New Vista does NOT have 322 classrooms
Alex's math class has confirmed that New Vista does not posses 322 classrooms, despite the existence of room number 322.
In a recent study conducted by students in remedial figures II,students concluded that their is not 322 classrooms, and in fact less than 200. The study has not gone down well as many students, and teachers alike, have flocked in protest to room 322, home of Beth's Spanish Class. Needles to say, they are not happy with the development.
"It has always been a source of honor being the 322nd class room in the school" Beth stated, "especially for my advisory." she further went on to say, "it was one of the requirements to pass Spanish 3, students had to count to 322 in spanish.
Much speculation has gone on as to how the study came about. Rumor had out that that a rogue student had insisted for years that their are not 322 classrooms in the school. Alex, being quite the intellectual, made his class solve the dilemma. The method in which the study was conducted has raises much controversy. When asked how the study was conducted Alex responded,
"I had my students count the total amount of tiles in the hallway, and from their we used the measurements of my room to find its area in terms of tiles. By counting all of the floor tiles in the hallway, and using the size of my room to create an average room size, we could use the total amount of tiles to calculate the theoretical area of the hallway. From their we divided total area by estimated area of our classroom and got an answer of 189.898757." Their is no way that 322 could fit. Because no one has been in the gym for over four years, we did no include it."
While the data seems sound, many people feel that this issue is more than just numbers.
"there just c
1/15/2013 warm up
I am sick
1/11/13 warm up
Tas accuses late students of being "Tardy"
Tas Hendrikson has accused several late students of being "Tardy". Three students entered Tas's afternoon stats class three minutes late, only to be confronted by an angry Tas, who called them Tardy.
The three students reportedly had taken their time returning from break in order to "waste time", strayed in at 2:13 pm, minutes after class had resumed. One of the students, who wished to remain anonymous, felt outraged, "I was never told that I would be marked tardy if I showed up late." The other "tardy" students felt similarly. All three students were forced to stay after school to make up the three minutes they missed. Tas felt justified in her decision stating, "It is not possible to conduct class when students feel that they can stroll in during the middle of a lesson." The students intend to repeal the decision, feeling that 3 minutes of their lives had been unfairly wasted. They intend to pursue action this coming Friday. One student feels confident on his chances, " non of use have the syllabus anymore, but we can clearly remember that it said we would have to stay in for break for being tardy, we were late, not tardy. Their is a whole room filled with people who saw us walk in LATE, not tardy." Many people have pledged support to defend the students, including faculty member Hunter Chen.
"I just feel that Tas is out of control, her homework policy is outrageous, and she gives students no leeway."