Issue #2

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Global

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Sports  (John Elway story & Picture)  

NATIONAL

Local

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Online Class

The story of Kate taking on an apprentice would be neat? I've also written another article to submit, along with a new installment of ask horse_ebooks (this one is LOVE THEMED!!!)

Dear Horse_ebooks

I met a girl, and I’m really interested in her. But she’s already dating someone else! Should I let go of this crush, or wait and see what happens?

Dear Horse_ebooks

Any recipes to make delicious treats for the holiday?

Kirk Approves PDA for “Just Today”.

In an unprecedented, hastily called community gathering, Kirk Quitter has approved PDA on New Vista grounds for Valentines day. 

“Literally only today, guys,” he was quoted as saying, shifting awkwardly, “I don’t want to see anyone kissing their boyfriend or girlfriend or whatever tomorrow.” The gathering, which lasted a total of four minutes and thirteen seconds, preceded a wave of love and romance that has never been seen before in a high school. Shirts went flying, and a dozen couples immediately leaped over the theater seats to land in their significant other’s lap. 

“I’ve never seen so much tongue in my life!” One student was overheard exclaiming amongst the chaos.

“There are some images that just... cannot be erased from the bowels of memory,” another sniffed, turning away from a couple mid sloppy kiss. “They’re like puppies licking each other at the park.” 

Classes came to a grinding halt as students began to cuddle against their classmates in the middle of AM block. Exasperated teachers tried to continue their lessons, ignoring the couples who began to kiss over their continued sighs. But even if classes were bad, breaks were worse.

Breaks became little more than Bacchanalian free-for-alls of hands and faces, students lost in the crowd of moving fleshy body parts and kissy faces.

3:05 can’t come soon enough.

New Vista needs an especially absorbent tissue for our issue.

Late last week, while kids piled in the school 8:45 Friday morning, there was a not so silent terror in the air. Sneezes, coughs, and the familiar noises of phlegm hacking reverberated throughout the hallways and reminded us of what we needed the most: what we really needed were Tissues. Upon pursuit of a tissue box, students were swiftly and promptly debilitated by Ann for being in the hallway without a pass. Little did Ann know, is that she was sending several spewing sess pools with legs back to class tissue-less, with no method of controllably or responsibly excreting their snot loads. Upon return to class, two students sneezed simultaneously and painted an entire wall with phlegm. A fellow classmate was questioned about his experience witnessing this phlegmification. He stated, lips trembling with uncertainty and fear, "This is nothing compared to the sidewalk out front, in which phlegm puddles ripple as I walk by ". Administration have received several anonymous complaints from students about the "unsanitary" and "visually menacing" sidewalk outside of the 200 hallway. Luckily for phlegm contributors, it has proved to be reusable when dried out thanks to it's high nicotine levels. There is a CE opportunity for any student (preferably freshman) who wish to scrape phlegm every Wednesday for several hours, contact peer phlegm mentor Bayani if interested.  Administration decided that the phlegm inside the school is more of a priority than outside, so action was taken by our school leaders. By action being taken, of course I mean that nobody did anything except for look for Joe. Joe was found immediately and as soon as he saw the wall, he  muttered an honestly impressive collection of obscenities while finally leaving New Vista as fast as he super-humanly could. Without Joe, New Vista immediately was seized by the EPA and deemed as "unfit to sit in" and cordially rehabilitated our school over the weekend. Everyone should be pleased to see the sparkly less toxic version of our school this Monday, courtesy of national tax dollars and bleach. However,  we still need some tissues though, so call Pfouts on the Pfouts hotline at 1-800-WE-SHOULD if you have any tissues whatsoever worth donating, because 'you should"; and by "you should" we mean "you better."

New Doorknobs Cause Panic at New Vista

As Anissa went for the door handle to let herself into her classroom, she let out a nasty shriek and screamed, “WHY IS THE DOORKNOB SO SHINY?! Kim, what has been going on around here?” There were a couple snickers behind her but when she turned to look, nobody was to be seen. It looked as though there was oil or some similar substance on the doorknob. When our trust janitor Joe was interviewed, here’s what he had to say: “Well, Kirk was demanding new doorknobs. I have no idea what makes him dislike the old ones, but as the captain wants, the captain receives! It’s not my decision!” Anissa has been angry about the new door handles and has started a movement to regain the old ones. Many students have joined and she is hoping to see more.

The Leek has nothing to say about Ed

The students of New Vista cannot deny seeing the shiny bald head in the hallways and maybe even saying hello, but is there anything interesting about this mathematician? When Ed was asked about his most infamous New Vista scandals, he answered with a delayed, “Uhh… nothing, really.” When Ivette and Kirk were asked about this, they couldn’t seem to identify anything unusual about Ed. He is to be seen lumbering the hallways and sometimes teaching math classes. On his free time, it has been reported that Ed has been seen at Ben and Jerry’s eating a rocky road cone.

Marco Eaten by a Lion

On the 26th of January, our beloved literature and history teacher, Marco was out in the Amazon. At about 4pm, his assistant called New Vista in a hurry to explain an emergency. While Marco had been out enjoying the afternoon, lazing in the grass in the amazon, a hungry lion had come along. Now, Marco may act like he’s prepared for anything but in this situation, he had no idea what to do. The lion ate him in three bites, leaving nothing but his sandals. New Vista is holding a memorial service for the lost teacher as well as trying to find a replacement teacher.

Mike forgets to wipe emotional feet at the door

Right before class time on Thursday, kids were lining up at Mike Codrey’s door waiting to be let in to learn. When all the students were sitting in their desks, Mike came in and forgot to wipe his emotional feet at the door. As he stood in front of the class, tears were seen brimming in his eyes by the front row students. He then went on a 30 minute rant about how the policeman who stopped him this morning was inequitable because he thought Mike’s ID looked like a suspicious terrorist picture. Mike was asked to leave the room and return when he had regained his composure.

government last week after viewing a Photoshopped image that went viral the day before. The photograph depicts a seagull standing upon a “no seagull” sign. “There must be some reason the creator of the picture made that seagull look so rebellious. I think the bird was just so tired of being oppressed by the system. This wise being paves the way to a world unlike any we’ve ever known, a utopia where all creatures will live together in peace and harmony. Down with society!” When asked to comment, the creator of the iconic depiction, a student from New Vista High School, told us: “I never planned on starting a revolution, I was just trying to pass my Digital Imaging class! I showed the picture to a couple of people and the whole thing got out of hand...” Several lawsuits have been filed against Adobe, and strict laws are being put in place for graphic designers, who, in turn, are joining the rebellion. Stay tuned as The Leek follows this story.

Students protest their picture appearing on the yearbook

 Students lined up Thursday, January 10, protesting, and identifying

as "non-photogenic".

        On Jan 10, students lined up to Cheryl's desk requesting their picture being removed from the yearbook.

 The lines were filled during advisory that day. Apparently, many students left advisory with the excuse that they "needed to pre-enroll into some of next quarter's workshops" to ensure their first choices granted. Little did the clueless advisors know, these students were lining up one, on one, making their case for Cheryl to remove their picture. Vanessa, was one of the only educators other than Cheryl, that noticed this. She mentions the following" It was chaotic on Thursday, there was a lot of begging, weeping, and chair throwing involved(which could probably explain the tissue issue going around the school, by the way), some kneeled proclaiming Cheryl 'unjust' and 'uniquely cruel'. There was also bribing involved, some students brought baskets and baskets of chocolates. If it were me, I would remove the kids' pictures in a heart beat". The head protester, a senior from New Vista High School tells the student perspective on this matter... "I feel its not fair for Cheryl to have our pictures on the yearbook, it is inequitable ! Some of us just don't identify as photogenic!" Another student comments more in depth with this issue,"This is a serious matter, that the whole staff should consider as next year's potential equity topic".  

 K.O.S. (Kleenex OCD Syndrome) driving the school upside down

      On, Wednesday, Jan 16, New Vista High School's equity committee conferenced in the staff room around 12:00 p.m., about a chaotic issue that is apparently leading to concern, and could possibly be one of next year's equity topics. K.O.S. syndrome, is found to be affecting many students and staff members this year, especially during the winter season; as a result, the whole school is suffering a 'Kleenex recession'. But what is K.O.S. you may ask? Diane,New Vista's High school's counselor answers this question: " K.O.S. Syndrome is a quite complex concept to describe in words. It basically alludes to a so called disability.

               Similar to O.C.D. (obsessive compulsive disorder), only with the difference that the obsession is specifically concentrated on tissue paper, especially Kleenex brand material, for some reason". Elizabeth Smartin, a college student from C.U. in the department of Science, explains more in depth this disability "K.O.S. is an obsession on not only the use of tissue paper itself, but Kleenex brand in specifics. Studies show, that Kleenex has physiological impacts on the way people view tissue paper. It isn't just a matter of blowing your nose with it, people want to accessorize it in their office working area etc. do to the attractive combination of colors on the box. If a person going through K.O.S. and at random intervals has no Kleenex handy, the person tends to fall in depression, and come to the point of subconsciously taking it away from others" 

         The syndrome, is for most people a serious matter, for others, the matter that is serious is not the syndrome itself, but accepting those with this so called "disability". Kaylee Barnes, a sophomore with this syndrome states the following: " I just don't get how K.O.S. can be this misunderstood. It isn't that simple. I feel the  impulse to have Kleenex with me all the time. First, in school than at home. Kleenex just gives me a sense of security, and i know it does to others like me. Kleenex, with its unique box design has the power to create emotional warmth, and the softness of the tissue paper, makes me dependent of it. That's probably why K.O.S. people can't stop taking Kleenex from wherever they can find it, from other classrooms, for example."   But, why all of a sudden, Anissa, however, mentions the following to The Leek: " I find equity meetings effective and stimulating. Everyone seems to feel the intensity around this issue. Although, next year this piece will obviously be key in Equity, i feel the need to teach a class this fourth quarter on the present issue".   

   

  Student suspended for taking two cookies in Cookie Friday

    Today, Jan 11, a student was suspended from New Vista High school, for grabbing two cookies in cookie Friday  Ann, the school's secretary reports the following on this sudden consequence "it is unbelievable behavior  observing the current school budget. It was 'disrespect of school property'". Kirk, the school principal adds..."I watched him outside the office, the student indeed had a malicious attitude by grabbing two cookies when he knows the role includes only one, he claimed one was 'for his friend'". had  Though It was regretful, yet indeed a highly important measure of discipline was needed. Student, plans to sue principal Kirk for this disciplinary action. 

IS TISSUE THE ISSUE? 

Kelvin Martinez-Arreola  

An observed, significant loss of tissues has been reported over the past few days at the New Vista campus. According to Joseph Charles, the president of the RAMAH (Regional Association of Maintenance And Hygiene), the problem, may just be a small part of a bigger real problem. After the recent outbreak of the severe B1F1 virus, or commonly known as Beiber Fever, the virus has been tested to most quickly spread on things containing elements of trees. Billy Mcwaffler a Junior at New Vista, says: "the thing is, we don't have enough sanitary paper to write on anymore, and when there was, it ran out really quickly, that's also why people started to write on the walls of the bathroom for a while." The B1F1 virus has already caused one death as reported earlier, but continues to spread rapidly, not only around New Vista, which is a big factor to large absence records, but the nation as a whole, and has caused a huge shortage o paper and furniture.

WARNING!

AVOID ALL PHYSICAL CONTACT WITH PAPER, FURNITURE, OR ANY OTHER THING WITH TREE MATERIAL, THAT SLOWLY FLASHES BRIGHT RED AND HAS A VERY FAINT SOUND OF THE SONG BABY, IT MAY BE INFECTED WITH B1H1!  (or it could be your cat with a flash light)            

 01/31/13

OBAMA FAVORS HEAT: OKLAHOMA'S BRIBED LOSS REVEALED BY NEW VISTA STUDENT

Kelvin Martinez-Arreola

A surprising fact arose as last year, as the Miami team won the NBA finals for its second win, passing the previously known to be more powerful (Lakers, Celtics, Spurs etc.). Many questioned how this happened. However, a couple of days ago, a student at New Vista named Kavon Duraanti, has reported to have seen, and has posted on Facebook an undercover video from Dexter Pittman, in which Obama intents to bribe the Oklahoma City Thunder, and later threatens to deport them if they don’t purposely mess up. In an interview with Kirk, Serge Ibaka, says: “I know, accepting, was wrong, but we had no choice. Now the whole world thinks that Miami beat us because they’re good, even THEY thought we were actually playing, and they still do. I mean, right after the camera went off after the game, LeBron started skipping around us and saying: “we own you, fooooooooooooooooooo -20 minutes later- ooooooooooooooooooollss,” in a high pitched impersonation of Justin Bieber voice.

It is reported that LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh, Ray Allen, Mario Chalmers, Udonis Haslem, Rashard Lewis, Shane Battier, Mike Miller, James Jones, Chris Anderson, Joel Anthony, and Jarvis Varnado still don’t know that they were being duped (Everyone except Dexter Pittman. And, Norris Cole just knows because his real name is Cole Norris and he’s Chuck Norris’ long lost twin brother. See next Issue for full story) (Until they read The Leak).  

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   02/08/13

NEWLY HARD CORE RAVENS FAN GETS HIS WINGS BURNED DUE TO TOO MUCH HEAT (Pfouts)

Kelvin Martinez-Arreola

-Hot wings for Super Bowl spark Lakewood fire that burns up a neighborhood

-Jacoby Jones' (WR 12) touchdown made forget about donut/veggie flavored hot wings on grill

-repeat of last years 49 sourdough cookies that set kitchen on fire in previous neighborhood

                                                                          Seven New Vista students attempt to receive a thumbs up from 

                                                                       Cheryl with the strategy of the intimidation of an out-numbering mob                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        

                                                                                                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           01/15/13

LAST MINUTE UNDER-WATER BASKET-WEAVING WORKSHOP PLEA DENIED DUE TO LACK OF AUTHORITY TO TURN THE 200 HALLWAY INTO A POOL

Kelvin Martinez-Arreola

Kirk's long awaited signature for permission of a new student-hosted workshop, has finally come in, but as a denial. see W1 (pg12)

                                                                                              

Kirk Quitter: High school principle or Star Trek ship captain?

 

Kirk's past comes in to question once again. Is he who he claims to be, a normal every day High school principle or the famous captain of the spacecraft “Star Trek Enterprise”?

A small comity of students gathered some evidence that just might answer this question:

1. He shares a name with the famous James Tiberius Kirk, .

2. Some of the students affectionately call him "Captain Kirk."

3. Known to wander around the school and check in on his staff.

4. He takes long dramatic pauses during speeches.

5. When questioned on the matter Kirk responds with a chuckle and "I wish."

6. Is in fact a Star Trek fan.

 

Is our beloved principle hiding something? Or is this all some crazy random happenstance? We may just never know.

If you have any information please contact the “Captain Kirk is real” committee.

Class

CAP Students Bring Memories, Giardia, Back From Wilderness

    Recent New Vista CAP trip to the depths of the rocky mountains was considered wildly successful, with students returning with many fond memories, a greater understanding of the natural world, and many small parasites living in their digestive tracts.

    "It was great!" said New Vista sophomore, "It was amazing to be out of touch with society living in what was essentially a hole in the ground, and the microbe induced intestinal illness was just the icing on the cake! Sorry, I need to go to the bathroom like, right now."

    Sources confirmed that when clumsy student spilled the groups only supply of fresh water, the class was forced to gather more from a mountain stream, filled to the brim with these friendly, vomit inducing creatures.

    "I'm honestly surprised we didn't get more parasites," commented nauseous student, "Of corse, I did get lyme disease but that's a whole other animal."

    All students failed the class as disrupting the fragile ecosystem of Giardia Trophozite, is a glaring breach of the class' leave no trace policy.

"The Dog Says Arf," Claims Radical Speak And Spell

Many parents are up in arms at a remark made by area Speak-and-Spell in regards to the common vocalization of canines everywhere. “It was just last week when my child was playing with the seemingly harmless educational toy when I heard it so brazenly declare, “The dog says arf.” I ran in as fast as I could and snached my little Jeffery away from that lunatic before he could do any more damage to his fragile little intellect. What is this world coming to?”

The pope and the majority of the christian church has formally condemned this Speak-and-Spell to eternal damnation in the fiery bowels of hell. The Speak-and-Spell’s comment has been officially identified as blasphemy as it goes against the most fundamental teachings of the bible.

Most parents fear the damage the toy can do to their children by corrupting them with radical propaganda and jargon. Jeffery, the small child who was subjected to this atrocity now resides in a maximum security asylum to avoid further irreparable psychological damage. He was quoted as muttering, “The dog...says...arf,” as he was put under for mild electroshock therapy.

“Wholesome american dogs say woof,” said next door neighbor George Samuel Jebediah. “Not bark, and certainly not afr like some goddamned communist mongrel. That Speak-and-Spell deserves to hang for that.”

“The horse says neigh,” the Speak-and-Spell responded, “and your closed mindedness only hurts america in the long run. The america I believe in is not a country founded on hate but a land in which all dogs are equal. Whether they woof or bark or even arf. We need to put these issues behind us so we can focus on the real issues facing our country. Like how to stop all those damn chihuahuas from stealing jobs from honest, hard working terriers.

This Valentine's Day Thousands Of Americans Express Their "Love" Of Corporate America.

    With the Valentine's day shopping season growing ever closer, American's are taking to the malls, credit cards in hand, to express their affection and faithfulness to corporate America. All across the country consumers are buying jewelry, chocolates, and cards for their special someones, the jewelry, chocolate, and card companies. 

    "I just feel like we have been together for a long time now and it's time I did a little something to show my appreciation," said Mc Donald's cashier James Ferguson, who worked hours and hours of overtime to scrape together enough money for a necklace as a romantic gesture. "I mean, the economy is going through a little bit of a rough spot after that falling out with her friends and the international market. It's the least I can do."

    "A necklace! A necklace!" the Economy responded, "After all I've done for you! I deserve nice things! Why don't you love me anymore?"

    Many Americans are still scrambling to purchase last minute gifts for the economy, despite comments from friends to just break up with her already."

    "I mean, come on man!" said nation's close friend Bradley Carter, "She just want's your money. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go make dinner reservations."

Barack Obama hunts endangered clay pigeon, PETA outraged

A photograph was recently taken of Barack Obama shooting Clay Pigeons, and he confirmed that he hunts the majestic bird every time he goes to the President hang-out, Camp David.

The Clay Pigeon, or Peoginious Claudias is one of the most beautiful animals in the world, but it is also in incredible danger of going extinct. After this legitimate image of U.S President, Barack Obama was taken actively shooting the endangered birds, PETA issued several statements conveying outrage. A spokesperson for the animal rights group said, "People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals or PETA is outraged at the unawareness that president Barack Obama is showing the American people by hunting Clay Pigeons.Who knows what other endangered animals he enjoys killing."

The President had no statement on the photo. Insinuating guilt from the President's silence, Conservatives have been milking the outrage drawn from this picture. Bill O'Riley of Fox News has even began a new show called Obama the Crazy Animal Murderer which is 45 minutes of photo-shopped images of the President killing various kinds of puppies. 

We will expect a statement from the white-house soon, but until then, we must wonder, what is Obama hiding?

Barack Obama hunts endangered clay pigeon, PETA outraged

A photograph was recently taken of Barack Obama shooting Clay Pigeons, and he confirmed that he hunts the majestic bird every time he goes to the President hang-out, Camp David.

The Clay Pigeon, or Peoginious Claudias is one of the most beautiful animals in the world, but it is also in incredible danger of going extinct. After this legitimate image of U.S President, Barack Obama was taken actively shooting the endangered birds, PETA issued several statements conveying outrage. A spokesperson for the animal rights group said, "People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals or PETA is outraged at the unawareness that president Barack Obama is showing the American people by hunting Clay Pigeons.Who knows what other endangered animals he enjoys killing."

The President had no statement on the photo. Insinuating guilt from the President's silence, Conservatives have been milking the outrage drawn from this picture. Bill O'Riley of Fox News has even began a new show called Obama the Crazy Animal Murderer which is 45 minutes of photo-shopped images of the President killing various kinds of puppies. 

We will expect a statement from the white-house soon, but until then, we must wonder, what is Obama hiding?

Washed Up Teen Wolf Makes One Last Attempt At Successful Career

As a young boy, all that Minnesota local, Teen Wolf wanted was to be a professional basketball player. As he explains, he thought that a movie about him would help, "When I was approached about acting in a movie where I got to show off my basketball skills, I thought 'this could help me go pro'", he says as his thick brown fir flops around in the cold Northern winds, "unfortunately, I was wrong."

"First off, the movie was a bad experience because I was forced to dress up like a human for some scenes, and second, it actually worsened my chances of going pro because I was taken so much less seriously. "When I was turned down by the Denver Nuggets", he continues, "they said that it was because I just wasn't serious enough. My skill wasn't an issue. That's what they said."

But now that the interview offers and photo shoots are stopping to roll in, Teen Wolf is going to give it one last shot. He finally was forced to take a job at a local Wendy's where he is forced to wear a full-body hairnet due to his savings account running dry. 

With a five-foot verticle-jump, one would think that he would be immediately picked up by a professional team, however this is not the case. Teen Wolf who is now 45 years of age is forced to seek out the pro teams and proposition them.

"I recently flew to New York to visit with the Knicks, but they said they weren't interested, and I was forced to ride in a dog crate on the return flight."

Can he do it? We will just have to see.

Swiper the fox… a girl? 

    BOULDER CO- Local New Vista facility has suspension that a snack thief is among them. Studies showed that more snacks have been 'sold' the past month than the entire previous year. Teachers throughout the halls have become baffled by the increase of sells, for it’s been known that many students would rather have the old snack machine back other than the healthy alternative.

     “I don’t understand. If the snack machine hasn't been popular all last year why is it now? The snacks haven’t changed,” current math teacher, Hunter Chen, proclaims. Others professionals throughout the high school have a different theory however. 

    Principle of the school, Kirk Quitter, has added up the money balance compared to the amount of sold items, and realized something didn't match up. Although more snacks are gone, the change amount remains the same as any other sell per month. “We can’t keep losing sells, so it’s time to insert video cameras,” Kirk said. “Many kids are against the idea of video cameras throughout the school, but it won’t be permanent, just until the culprit stops stealing the snacks.” This manner was not taken lightly either, high definition cameras were placed in New Vista’s cafeteria the very next day. No stealing was caught on cameras; however the snacks were still disappearing mysteriously. Frustrated students began to act out against the cameras and stick gum to them or throwing rocks in attempt to break them, for they felt it was “invasive of their personal lives.”

     “It’s obviously not a student or teacher taking the snacks, or they would have caught something by now. They should just take down the cameras, they’re not helping anyway and just making us uncomfortable,” a student proclaims. With a frustrated facility and irritated students, the school decides to take it one step further and video tape the night life of the school. The first night nothing appeared to be out of the ordinary, however the second night a change occurred. A fury little fox seemed to have gotten inside the school and worked its way in and out of the machine in attempt to get free snacks. The facility then looked into how the little critter was coming in and out of the school, when they stumbled upon the home of a mother fox and her three tiny ones right outside a small hole leading in and out of New Vista. As the school board decided what to do they came to the conclusion of patching up the hole yet allowed the fox family to stay finally giving New Vista a school mascot.

     “Who would have guessed that we had our self our own swiper the fox right in our backyard,” Kirk joked. The school board plans on taking the cameras down soon, and has been relieved of any thought of a snack burglar within the school. 

A recent study shows that the popular Neco candy hearts that come out for Valentine’s Day cause cancer. The Neco candy wafers with the Red 40 dye mixed with the harsh artificial flavors and print ink are  a deadly combination. Neco wafers main ingredients are chalk ,sugar, and Red 40 dye.  Red 40 is a dye that contains carcinogens.  

In a recent study where a woman ate nothing but Sweetheart Candies for four months. It was discovered that she developed severe allergies to the dye, began manifesting Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder symptoms, and a potentially cancerous tumor appeared in her stomach.  This reports reveals that all of these side effects can be directly traced back to the high amounts of sugar, Red 40, Yellow 6, and Blue 1 dyes in the candies.  

The food industry dumps over 15 million pounds of these dyes in our food supplies each year.  New studies show that seven of the main dyes used in the United States contributed to cancer in lab animals; including stomach ulsters, internal bleeding, anal leakage, brain farts, colon, brain, and testicular cancer. So be careful about what you give to your “sweetheart” this valentines day.

Obama Fed Up With White House Paintings: Puts Ad on Craigslist For Interior Decorator

Spring will come early to the White House as President Barack Obama prepares to start cleaning. The President has hired interior decorator Sally Jewell, from Recreational Equipment Incorporated (REI), to help spruce the place up. Sally became an official member of Team Obama this past weekend as The Big Man decided he needed to update his cabinet. An undisclosed secret service member reported that the cabinet is really old and the white paint bothered her. She also mentioned that it felt too masculine.

When asked about the situation of the White House, Obama had this to say, “the paintings of all the old presidents are tacky now. Plus, you have to sit around for HOURS while the artist works. I should know, this is my second term after all. As the new Department of Interior Secretary, the toughest part of Sally Jewell’s job will be sitting behind a desk all day.”

Jewell’s new job will include tasks such as comparing various shades of white, checking the local thrift stores for trendy furniture and blogging on tumblr to keep up on the latest interior design trends. She worked at local REI superstore in Kent, Washington since 2005. As manager and floor-front leader Sandy helped the Obama’s decorate their winter home two years ago. She’s outgoing and outdoorsy, enjoying time outdoors biking, skiing and rock climbing.

“I eagerly look forward to starting my position at the White House. Some miscellaneous color-matched home décor knick-knacks would make the place much more homey,” said Sandy, later adding, “People say there isn’t much you can do with white, but not me. I have a slew of ideas already. President Obama hired me for a reason, after all.”

Obama couldn’t help but chime in, “We’re considering painting the whole building a different shade of white or even a different color entirely. Now is the time for change.” Then an idea struck him, “Oooh, maybe we should build a new modernist win on the east side! Michelle would love that. It would be a great Valentine’s Day surprise.”

With current Department of Interior Secretary Ken Salazar resigning in early March, expect to see renovations occurring throughout the spring and into summer months. The Smithsonian Museum is considering hosting a special exhibit on the changes. Details to follow soon.

fake headline: This new study reveals that 80% of studies done by our research team are wrong, or what is it 70%? well it was a certain percent wrong, I’ll ask are researchers to look into it

Cupid Apologizes for accidentally killing man

This Valentine's day a accident happened in the local park in which a man died. The man died from an arrow shot to the heart. the culprit, Cupid, apologized to the man’s family for the incident. Cupid was later quoted on the matter as saying “ I was patrolling the park as normal and saw a guy who was on my hit list for today. I loaded up an arrow and shot, but I forgot to grab my magic arrows when I got up this morning so I hit him with a normal arrow, unfortunately I didn't realize it until after it had hit him”.

Joel gives up barking?: Teacher previously known for barking meows at student.

    Last week the whole 300 hallway gasped in silence after hearing several meows coming from one of the classrooms. Students made comments such as "did someone bring their cat to school, again?" and "Who likes cats anymore?" Students across the hall from Joel's room told their teacher they were going to the bathroom, but they were just venturing out to investigate. The meowing continued at a constant rate until sobbing interrupted. It's been reported that student who was being meowed at broke out in tear because of the shock of not hearing a bark, but a meow instead.   

    It would be normal for someone in New Vista to hear barking coming from anywhere and everywhere due to New Vista's very own Joel Simon, but meowing pushed the students to the edge. It didn't take long for the news to pass through the school, everyone knew about the meowing by the time am block ended. 

    Many students took it in to their own hands to ask Joel why he was meowing, he responded by saying "I'm giving up barking for good it's just something I need to do for myself and my loved ones." The members of the New Vista community took it hard, some of them unable to even comprehend what he said. Following the shock of hearing what Joel had said a student ran out the 200 hallway doors into the smoker section and lit up a cigarette so he could take it all in. The junior went on the record and stated "I knew Mike was gonna jump out and take a pic of me but I had no other choice. I just like needed a cig real bad. It was worth the detention." 

    After hearing the news about Joel making major changes in his life that seemed to be making a bigger impact on the community than previously thought Kirk made an announcement stating that there will be grief counseling held in Diane's office at lunch for the next week. Kirk even told Leek employees that: "Several students came up to me expressing how worried they were about Joel and, I took it as a sign that the whole school needs help coping with losing the old barking Joel they all knew and loved."

        

Internet Troll Picture

     Internet Trolls Invade New Vista

Several Internet Trolls have have hacked into New Vista related sights and have begun wrecking havoc.  

A group of Internet Trolls have invaded New Vista.  They have spent considerable time trashing the webpages of Pfouts and Andy.  The trolls have also messed around with the Facebook pages of several New Vista Students.  The NVHS webpage has been left untouched.  The trolls did leave a message stating,  “Woh....LOL... what more is there for us to do :(  YOLO”  

The NVHS website appears to be the only New Vista related site that has gone untouched.  On the opposite end of the spectrum the teacher webpages of Pfouts and Andy have been trolled to the point of unusability reports several students.  

“When I logged onto Pfouts’ page to edit my website,” said one student, “all I could do was look at all of the Mcdonald’s related pictures that had been put up, and when I try to go on Andy’s page, it starts blaring Beethoven while showing pictures of little bunnies rabbits.”  

While not all cases have been so extreme, many other instances have been reported.  In the case of the math teachers, the trolling has been less noticeable, but just as serious.  The trolls have posted various false equations on the web pages in the hope of fooling students.

One student found out the hard way,  “When I went online to help study for a test, there were all sorts of useful formals, like how to get the fourth answer on the test write,  and how to find the answer to the extra credit problems.  But when I used the formulas I failed the test.  D@#% it.”    

Another area that the trolls have it hard is the facebook pages of the various students.  Many students have had their facebook pages trolled to the point of being unusable.  This has prompted Facebook to launch a password security campaign to try and prevent the large amount of users who carelessly leave their passwords lying around.  However the issue appears to be that many students don’t log off during school allowing anyone to access the account.  

A search to find the trolls has been initiated by Kirk.  “We have no clue where to start looking for the trolls.  We have tried looking under bridges, but we don’t think their are any trolls under any bridge within 50 miles of the school.”  After a week of physically searching for the trolls, the search has moved onto the internet.  “I thought it would come to this,” said Kirk, “but I had always hoped that we could avoid the dreaded interweb.”  

With the increased level of trolling New Vista has been cut off from the use of the internet, and the outside world.  Students can only hope, and wait that the trolls will be brought to justice soon.                     

Warm up 2/6 - New Vista Graduate makes it big! 

Zak Maytum, from the 2009 New Vista graduating class has earned the title as the best long-boarder in history. His last venture was a travel to Peru to go on a 2 lane road going 50mph passing cars in the opposite lane. Zak has won the Maryhill Festival of speed many times and dominates any competitors that face him. He grew up hitch hiking flagstaff during our lunches to master his skills. Now he owns his own wheel and bushing company that he is making total bank off of. He has hundreds of thousands of views on YouTube and his own pro-model long-boards made after him. Zak now owns a Mach 1 Candy Red Mustang. He is now living the life doing what he loves traveling the world to new competitions. 

Warm up 1/30 - Man is so epic, Becomes New World Emperor.

Last Saturday on January 28th, This man - Lance Alota, was discovered in a small village in the slums of india. Lance has a special gift, the gift of epicness. No one throughout history has proved to be as majestic and epic as Lance. Instead of hair he has a built in fuzzy fur coat that keeps him in prime condition. His words that he speaks are magical and provide the world with wisdom and enlightenment. All of the world leaders agreed to give up their power last Sunday, they provided an election for Lance and he was the only competitor. As our new world leader he has provided us all with complementary chocolate mints to all familys and also has provided us with world peace.