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Teachers Add New Rule to the Books: Students Must Break a Pencil Every Five Minutes
After reaching the limits of their boredom through the TCAP testing periods, teachers have created a new rule to add to their 5 minute lectures: The students must break a pencil every five minutes and request a new one. Some students have rebelled against this new rule, saying its a "waste of pencils". Other's join in the fun and find many different ways to break their pencils such as burning them with lighters, snapping them over the heads of neighbors, and elaborate origami.
Bored Firefighters Hire a Student to Pull the Fire Alarm?
Down the street from New Vista High School, a fire station remains at a standstill as they wait for the usual false alarms. However, not a single false alarm has occurred in the past two months. The firefighters have become bored with their job, spending each day hoping for a fire alarm to get pulled. Luckily, they have found the solution to their problems. Under the school district's noses, they have hired an individual student to pull the fire alarm once a week. The student (his name rhymes with ___) is receiving $50 to sneakily pull the fire alarm every week, calling the firefighters into action. No more playing a week long game of monopoly around the fire place in their nice little hero hut. The student was recently discovered by Kirk and suspended for a week. Though the fire alarms continue raging through the school. One student has reported seeing Kirk near the scene of the crime during the evacuation. Several suspect he has unjustly taken on the job of the suspended student. Either way, bring your winter coats to school, because we can guarantee you will be out on the field several times this week!
2/6 Warm Up
New Vista Threatened by Trashed Model of the School
New Vista prepares itself for by preforming several time-wasting drills, after a serious threat was made toward the school. A confidential source has found a smashed up model of New Vista in the trash bins outside the school. Teachers are worried that this is a threat to the school, left by a New Vista Hater. Many students are conflicted to even come to school now that rumor of smashed model has spread to the entire student body. The principle of New Vista claims that "The school will preform several more drills in order to prepare for the worst and we promise to keep your children safe."
Here's what students are saying,
"Um...Isn't it just a project or something that's been chucked?"
"I think that was made in my art class..."
"Why are we afraid of a chucked experiment?"
Several students have stopped coming to school until the threat is resolved and the culprit is found. Until the culprit is found please
1/29 Warm Up
Disney Buys Out Cupid
First Star Wars, now an entire holiday. Disney has bought out cupid and begun the mass production of child friendly Disney themed chocolate saying things like "I like you as a friend" and "Were so platonic". Students reluctantly hand these PDA appropriate chocolates to their lovers in hopes of gaining approval.
Cupid was paid exactly $6,666,666.66 USD, which he requested in that exact amount in order to pay off several "debts". Cupid refuses to make a statement and reported that Disney will be running the love story from now on. Currently, Disney is in the production of several cupid based children movies.
1/11 Warm Up:
New Vista's Computers are Switched to Diesel
New Vista, a once "eco-friendly" school, has recently decided to run their entire computer lab of exactly 82 computers on--that's right--diesel. The same gas pumped into cars that's polluting the air around us.
The Earth Task Force (ETF) is in a rage, refusing to use such "polutronics", and have begun to riot the study center. New Vista principle refuses to give explanation and is currently holed up within his own office in order to avoid ETF.
We have received quotes from several students such as:
"Our greenest school award is going to be revoked!"
"I don't really care...?"
"I like the smell."
Designated mathematician from ETF reports "The computer lab will give off 2 gallons of gas in smoke form every single day--it is a disgrace."
Gunk Covered Sleeves Overwhelming New Vista: "The Tissue Issue" (going to be final)
Baffled students run the halls, sleeves covering is disgusting amounts of nasal fluids. A popular name for the problem is: "The Tissue Issue".
"I went to office this morning and they said, there is no more tissue," stated a horrified Andrew Pfouts.
"How will we survive this catastrophe, I mean look at my sleeves!" Said an exasperated New Vista student waving his snot covered jacket in the air.
"While were cut off from the tissue supply, I'm afraid we'll have to make due with the nature around us," said New Vista's principle.
Teachers have worked together to retrieve fresh leaves from the New Vista courtyard in order to make a substitute for tissues. However, due to the mistake of a guilty Pfouts, several students have wiped their noses with poison ivy, sending them into an itching frenzy. The poison ivy infected students are currently being kept in the nurses office. Extra resting arrangements for other affected students have been made in the community room.
Due to the snot covered messiness and poison ivy infection, students are quarantined to the school until further notice. The school asks that parents bring tissue and poison ivy medicine in order to clear up the disaster and allow the students home.
New Vista Experiences Drastic Climate Change
The Northern section of the school is experiencing enormous climate changes, leaving temperatures below zero, making the section of the school off limits to students.
"Global warming has finally affected us personally," says a sophomore in ETC (Earth Task Force).
"I had half my classes there, now what am I going to do?" says a saddened student.
Teachers have sealed off the cold zone in order to stop it from spreading to the rest of the school while student scientists try to figure out why the issue is happening and how to solve it.