The Investagaturtle

Short Fiction

New Vista Gets Ready For Holidays, Elf Volleyball League

    New Vista is once again gearing up for the holidays by preparing to host the annual Elf Volleyball League. The Elves have been coming to New Vista for years over their Thanksgiving break, and for many a day after the competition, the campus smells of egg-nog, holiday cheer, and tiny tiny gym shorts.

    "We've always hosted this event and I look forward to hosting it again," said New Vista math teacher Tas Hendrickson, "Plus, I haven't been with my own kind since the family reunion this summer."

New Vista Shadows Mysteriously Disappear At Noon

    At 12:00 sharp last Friday, New Vista students were thrown into a panic as their shadows disappeared from their side. The shadows had been following the hosts since early in the morning after the sun had risen over the horizon. But they disappeared as quickly as they had come. Seeming to vanish right into the very earth.

    "I turned around and around looking for my shadow but I couldn't find it," claimed a panicked student, "Where's my shadow?"

    "We're pulling out all the stops," claimed Principal Kirk Quitter, still spinning in place in search of his shadow, "We have Joe going around looking for the shadows with a flashlight. So far, little success, but we're keeping our fingers crossed."

    The school quickly called as all the shadows returned promptly at 12:01, returning to their places following the students around. In other news, there will be another month of shadowing as a frightened Mike returns to his classroom, frightened by the sudden appearance of the shadows.

Cases Of Bullying, Evil Revenge Magic Drop Drastically Since Community Gathering Play

    After the sweeping success of the anti-bullying version of The Tempest, the Colorado Shakespeare Festival has made plans to return for a series of similar Shakespeare plays with the aim of teaching students a lesson. These schedule changes have been announced after the sweeping success of the latest attempt at bullying education. “After that last play, I really understood the issue in a new way,” a local student commented. “Something about an island I think.” Even after the first performance, reports of in school creepy purple puppet rage dropped twenty percent, and the brown thing running around with a mask is down too. “I think one of the puppets was mad at the other one. And then the one without a body flew around and one of the guys juggled,” said Kirk when asked about the bullying epidemic. “And then the two got married. But I’m not sure which two because there were only four actors and like twenty characters.” Kirk has been praised for taking such an aggressive stance on the issue. “So the one boat crashed, or was it two,” commented unfortunately named bullying victim Nelly Phitt, “And then the two that were drinking punched each other, and one of them juggled. Wait, why was the one guy angry again?” 

    “I think everyone understands the bullying issue perfectly.” Claimed temporary counselor Jason. “The blue guy was angry because the purple guy killed his brother and tried to kill the king -- right?”

     Just a few of the plays on the upcoming roster include an anti-drug use of A Midsummer Nights Dream, and an anti-murder version of Hamlet.

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Students Have Returned From Spring Break Rested, Ready, And With A Renewed Loathing For The Educational Process

    In recent news, students returned to New Vista on tuesday after spring break

(Air Bud Charter w/ Eli+video. How to make moonshine out of TCAP supplies. TCAP/Sudoku article. Others?)

Warm Up 3/6/13

Pope Prepares For 2016 Comeback Tour

    Vatican city is electric right now due to the recent announcement that Pope Benedict is planning a much anticipated comeback tour. The pope tweeted this update after a vast social media uprising demanding his return. He is rumored to be playing a set list comprised of some of his biggest hits such as: Waving From A Balcony, Condemning Homosexuality, And Covering Up Sex Scandals.

    "Yeah! Benedictus 2016!!!" 

Warm Up 2/27/13

New Vista Conforms Due To Cosmic Anomaly, TCAP

    Boulder valley's most alternative high school, New Vista, a school previously committed and passionate about fighting the system, upsetting the status quo, and all other forms of sticking it to the man has recently begun conforming in a shocking turn of events  that has shocked the whole of BVSD. Top astronomers cite the conjunction of venus and jupiter in the night sky as the reason for this anomaly, the ambient rays of the sun ionizing as they pass through venus' thick sulphur based atmosphere. And also TCAP. 

    "It's a whole different vibe," said Boulder High principal John McGroofeinheimer, "They haven't had any mate circles, any community murals, any slam poetry open mic nights, nothing liberal artsy for at least a week! I guess the planets just warped their brain waves. Also it's TCAP month."

    "I mean, I don't like standardized testing," said NV student, "But if I don't do well on TCAP our school won't get funding and I won't get into a good college, and robots will enslave all humans! At least that's what it said at the pep rally. Now you'll have to excuse me my primary directive is to use this break to get water and socialize. Must report to testing rooms Must report to testing rooms."

Going Past TCAP Stop Sign Leads To Six Car Pile Up

    Local student unwittingly caused a gruesome car wreck by disregarding the stop sign in his standardized testing booklet. The wreck caused five to be injured, and a total of eight casualties.

    "Damn kids never respect their traffic laws these days," said stereotypical crotchety elder, "With their iPhones and their, iMP3s, just going out there and going past their mandated test segments throwing all caution to the wind. 

Warm Up 2/22/13

Air Bud Put In Custody For Murder Investigation

    Americans are in shock recently over the fall from grace of famous athlete Buddy "Air Bud" Retriever. Buddy is currently under investigation for the murder of Clyde "Clarence" Clarence and the distribution and consumption of performance enhancing drugs and bacon bits.

    "No  one expected this of Air Bud," said NBA commissioner Jim. "Air Bud was always a good dog, and no one expected him to take a walk down this path of lies and violence."

    Air Bud has lost custody of all five of the Air Buddies.

Warm Up 2/13/13

TCAP Replaced With Sudoku

    All across Colorado, teachers and students have been up in arms over the recent announcement that in lieu of Math or Science or Writing, the CSAP will now consist of a solitary sudoku puzzle. CSAP officials have assured students and administrators that they can rest easy knowing that they still have to use a number two pencil, and that they will still have to devote hours of their lives in silence for this mandated test.

    "I don't think it's going to be a big deal," said test designer Bill Schwartz, "We only replaced the TCAP with something more challenging, extensive, and worthwhile"

    "This isn't fair," said Boulder middle school teacher Sandra Gordon, "We didn't have an entire year to teach the test instead of valuable material. It's too difficult. Everyone knows students don't actually learn, they just regurgitate facts, but Sudoku requires synthesis! They can't regurgitate how to think for themselves!"

    TCAP officials sent out a practice test to assist teachers with test preparation, and schools across Colorado are reporting sweeping failures across the board, in both the sudoku portion, and the experimental crossword. 

    "F@#$! this!" local student said, "I don't know a ten letter word for distressed!" No schools are projected to receive any funding this upcoming year.

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Warm Up 2/6/13

"Black Man Sighted At Bus Station," Panicked Fox News Reports

    Fox News is in an uproar recently, over such issues as gun control, immigration, and more recently the sighting of an African-American at a bus stop. This occurred in what was previously a predominantly caucasian neighborhood and has caused extreme panic at the news headquarters.

    This incidence was first noted on Bill O'Reilly's new show, "Minority Report," in which he and other wholesome americans keep tabs on the influx of diverse ethnic groups into the USA. 

    "For too long now the white male has been suppressed," Bill said, "Now our basic right to an insensitive republican president has been taken away from us! This isn't the america I knew and loved. I urge my fellow americans to take a stand with me and hold your shotguns hight to get those flag burners out of our country."

    "CNN has confirmed that the man sighted at the Texas bus stop was headed to volunteer at a local old folks home."

Warm Up 1/30/13

Rebellious Teenage Seagull Doesn't Play By Anyone's Rules

     In national news, adolescent Maine seagull is expressing his hate for the system by protesting in restricted areas about the restricted areas. This new trend is believed to b ea variety of "avian loitering" and is being swept up by all kinds of rebellious fowl countrywide.

    "This epidemic is getting way out of hand," said department of homeland security chief Otis Baker, "If this is not dealt with then what's next? Avian mugging, looting, and all around tomfowlery."

    "Get of my case bro," the bird responded, "Can't you see I'm trying to express myself? No one understands me."

    Our science watch team has just recently confirmed that birds can't read signs. Stay tuned for more updates.

Warm Up 1/29/13

Area Man Finishes Sending Valentines, Love, Anthrax.

    Local resident Johnny Robbins, has finished sending out last round of anthrax laced cards. Recipients wer quoted as saying, "Ugh," and dying in the hospital.

This Valentine's Day Thousands Of Americans Express Their "Love" Of Corporate America.

    With the Valentine's day shopping season growing ever closer, American's are taking to the malls, credit cards in hand, to express their affection and faithfulness to corporate America. All across the country consumers are buying jewelry, chocolates, and cards for their special someones, the jewelry, chocolate, and card companies. 

    "I just feel like we have been together for a long time now and it's time I did a little something to show my appreciation," said Mc Donald's cashier James Ferguson, who worked hours and hours of overtime to scrape together enough money for a necklace as a romantic gesture. "I mean, the economy is going through a little bit of a rough spot after that falling out with her friends and the international market. It's the least I can do."

    "A necklace! A necklace!" the Economy responded, "After all I've done for you! I deserve nice things! Why don't you love me anymore?"

    Many Americans are still scrambling to purchase last minute gifts for the economy, despite comments from friends to just break up with her already."

    "I mean, come on man!" said nation's close friend Bradley Carter, "She just want's your money. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go make dinner reservations."

Warm Up 1/18/13

ETF Now Fighting Climate Change With Fists

    Sources have now confirmed that fringe envoirmental organization "Earth Task Force" has officially dropped all efforts at diplomacy and has embraced eco-terrorism as their method of reform of choice. Reports of this have been backed up by sightings of ETF raiding car dealerships and physically assaulting receding snowpack.

    "We fired some warning shots," said organization leader Andy Stephens, "but climate change just wouldn't give up, so we were forced to open fire on that bastard."

    Rather than resorting to traditional weaponry, ETF has created their own projectiles out of locally sourced beetle kill pine which although entirely ineffective, have remarkably low carbon footprints.

    "We're tired of being pushed around," Andy added, "We're just going to make you preserve the earth whether you want to or not. Now buy this recycled tote bag or die."

Middle Aged Men In White Unmarked Vans Tired Of Being Profiled

    In local news, middle aged men are taking to the streets in protest and in their white unmarked vans with tinted windows. Tired of being discriminated against, these individuals are letting their cardboard signs adorned with the iconic message "FREE CANDY."

    "I'm tired of driving into a neighborhood with the intent of giving small children free puppies and having parents bring their children inside," said local van owner Norm Albertson, "it's hateful and ignorant."

    In a prepared statement given by the head of the Preventing Everyone from Discriminating against (van) Owners, (or PEDO) it was stated that most van owners in fact do have puppies and candy, not nefarious intentions.

Warm Up 1/15/13

Lack Of Tissues Leaves Hundreds With No Where To Cry About Lack Of Tissues

    Recent tissues shortage at New Vista High has left hundreds of freshmen, juniors, sophomores, and seniors feeling crushed with a deep sadness over the loss of many of their local tissue boxes. Many dejected students have been sighted shuffling down the halls, sobbing uncontrollably, and staining the carpets with their tears of agony previously absorbed by the silken paper product.

    "It's just not the the same without them," said miserable freshman I just can't do the things we liked to do together."

    Some students even had to resort to crying or sneezing into paper towels, which resulted in the nose irritation/untimely death of eleven students already.

    President Obama has promised to send federal aid but republicans in the house have blocked all legislative progress with their firm stance against the goverment subsidies of various paper products used for personal hygiene. 

    This epidemic coincided with both flu season and oscar fever, and the death tolls for these epidemics are already in the thousands.

    In other news, Joe no longer needs to mop, and ETF is encouraging the rise of the handkerchief as the standard reusable form of snot protection.

Warm Up 1/11/13

CAP Students Bring Memories, Giardia, Back From Wilderness

    Recent New Vista CAP trip to the depths of the rocky mountains was considered wildly successful, with students returning with many fond memories, a greater understanding of the natural world, and many small parasites living in their digestive tracts.

    "It was great!" said New Vista sophomore, "It was amazing to be out of touch with society living in what was essentially a hole in the ground, and the microbe induced intestinal illness was just the icing on the cake! Sorry, I need to go to the bathroom like, right now."

    Sources confirmed that when clumsy student spilled the groups only supply of fresh water, the class was forced to gather more from a mountain stream, filled to the brim with these friendly, vomit inducing creatures.

    "I'm honestly surprised we didn't get more parasites," commented nauseous student, "Of corse, I did get lyme disease but that's a whole other animal."

    All students failed the class as disrupting the fragile ecosystem of Giardia Trophozite, is a glaring breach of the class' leave no trace policy.