Sunday Family Humour 5th October

Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour

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Thanks to Ray O'.

1) NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer

evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and
waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard
my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing
a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS On the first day of school, a new starter handed his
teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed
by this child are not necessarily those of his parents .'

3) KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar.
During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old
daughter to answer the phone... 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk
to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

4) MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in
the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into
shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little
boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't
you ever seen a little boy before?'

5) POLICE # 1 While taking a routine vandalism report at a primary
school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking
up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered
and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help
I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told
her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would
you please tie my shoe?'

6) POLICE # 2 It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in
front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner,
Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a
dog you got back there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled,
the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he
said, 'What'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY While working for an organisation that delivers lunches to
the elderly, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon
rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old
age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found
her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced
myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and
whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party.
When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you
shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And why not, darling?' 'You know that it
always gives you a headache the next morning.'

9) DEATH While walking along the pavement in front of his church, our
minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar
wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a
dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had
secured a small box and cotton wadding, then dug a hole and made ready
for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say
the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version
of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the
Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want
this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of school.
'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I
can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

11) BIBLE A little boy opened the big family Bible.. He was fascinated
as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of
the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was
an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look
what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's
Adam's underwear!'

  So You Think you have had a BAD DAY

Thanks to David H.

So You Think You Are Having A Bad Day

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A Gift For Those Who Give

Thanks to Paula M.

A man pretending to be homeless has a special gift for those people kind enough to give him some of their money.

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Number One In The World
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Thanks to Ray O'.
This is so very true and if the people reading don't see what it means to them in the US, they are lost in a world that they know nothing about!!!
There was a chemistry professor in a large college that had some
exchange students in the class. One day while the class was in the lab,
the professor noticed one young man, an exchange student, who kept
rubbing his back and stretching as if his back hurt. The professor asked
the young man what was the matter. The student told him he had a bullet
lodged in his back. He had been shot while fighting communists in his
native country who were trying to overthrow his country's government and
install a new communist regime.
In the midst of his story, he looked at the professor and asked a
strange question. He asked: "Do you know how to catch wild pigs?"
The professor thought it was a joke and asked for the punch line.
The young man said that it was no joke. "You catch wild pigs by finding
a suitable place in the woods and putting corn on the ground. The pigs
find it and begin to come every day to eat the free corn.
"When they are used to coming every day, you put a fence down one side
of the place where they are used to coming. When they get used to the
fence, they begin to eat the corn again and you put up another side of
the fence.
"They get used to that and start to eat again. You continue until you
have all four sides of the fence up with a gate in the last side.
"The pigs, which are used to the free corn, start to come through the
gate to eat that free corn again. You then slam the gate on them and
catch the whole herd. Suddenly the wild pigs have lost their freedom.
They run around and around inside the fence, but they are caught. Soon
they go back to eating the free corn. They are so used to it that they
have forgotten how to forage in the woods for themselves, so they accept
their captivity."
The young man then told the professor that is exactly what he sees
happening in America. The government keeps pushing us toward
Communism/Socialism and keeps spreading the free corn out in the form of
programs such as supplemental income, tax credit for unearned income,
tax exemptions, tobacco subsidies, dairy subsidies, payments not to
plant crops (CRP), welfare, medicine, drugs, etc. while we continually
lose our freedoms, just a little at a time.
One should always remember two truths: There is no such thing as a free
lunch, and you can never hire someone to provide a service for you
cheaper than you can do it yourself.
If you see that all of this wonderful government "help" is a problem
confronting the future of this great Republic, you might want to send
this on to your friends. If you think the free ride is essential to your
way of life, then you will probably delete this email. But, God help us all
when the gate slams shut!
Quote for today:
"The problems we face today are there because the people who work for a living are now outnumbered by those who vote for a living." -- Anonymous

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