Sunday Family Humour 5th October

Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour

WHY WE LOVE CHILDREN

Thanks to Ray O'.

1) NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer

evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and

waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard

my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing

a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS On the first day of school, a new starter handed his

teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed

by this child are not necessarily those of his parents .'

3) KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar.

During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old

daughter to answer the phone... 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk

to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

4) MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in

the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into

shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little

boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't

you ever seen a little boy before?'

5) POLICE # 1 While taking a routine vandalism report at a primary

school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking

up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered

and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help

I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told

her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would

you please tie my shoe?'

6) POLICE # 2 It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in

front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner,

Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a

dog you got back there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled,

the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he

said, 'What'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY While working for an organisation that delivers lunches to

the elderly, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon

rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old

age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found

her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced

myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and

whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party.

When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you

shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And why not, darling?' 'You know that it

always gives you a headache the next morning.'

9) DEATH While walking along the pavement in front of his church, our

minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar

wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a

dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had

secured a small box and cotton wadding, then dug a hole and made ready

for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say

the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version

of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the

Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want

this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of school.

'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I

can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

11) BIBLE A little boy opened the big family Bible.. He was fascinated

as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of

the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was

an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look

what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?'

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's

Adam's underwear!'

So You Think you have had a BAD DAY

Thanks to David H.

David M's Gallery

Thanks to David M.

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Number One In The World

Thanks to Lee

Hard To Get These Days

Thanks to Lee

CATCHING PIGS

Thanks to Ray O'.

This is so very true and if the people reading don't see what it means to them in the US, they are lost in a world that they know nothing about!!!

CATCHING PIGS

THIS IS THOUGHT PROVOKING.

There was a chemistry professor in a large college that had some

exchange students in the class. One day while the class was in the lab,

the professor noticed one young man, an exchange student, who kept

rubbing his back and stretching as if his back hurt. The professor asked

the young man what was the matter. The student told him he had a bullet

lodged in his back. He had been shot while fighting communists in his

native country who were trying to overthrow his country's government and

install a new communist regime.

In the midst of his story, he looked at the professor and asked a

strange question. He asked: "Do you know how to catch wild pigs?"

The professor thought it was a joke and asked for the punch line.

The young man said that it was no joke. "You catch wild pigs by finding

a suitable place in the woods and putting corn on the ground. The pigs

find it and begin to come every day to eat the free corn.

"When they are used to coming every day, you put a fence down one side

of the place where they are used to coming. When they get used to the

fence, they begin to eat the corn again and you put up another side of

the fence.

"They get used to that and start to eat again. You continue until you

have all four sides of the fence up with a gate in the last side.

"The pigs, which are used to the free corn, start to come through the

gate to eat that free corn again. You then slam the gate on them and

catch the whole herd. Suddenly the wild pigs have lost their freedom.

They run around and around inside the fence, but they are caught. Soon

they go back to eating the free corn. They are so used to it that they

have forgotten how to forage in the woods for themselves, so they accept

their captivity."

The young man then told the professor that is exactly what he sees

happening in America. The government keeps pushing us toward

Communism/Socialism and keeps spreading the free corn out in the form of

programs such as supplemental income, tax credit for unearned income,

tax exemptions, tobacco subsidies, dairy subsidies, payments not to

plant crops (CRP), welfare, medicine, drugs, etc. while we continually

lose our freedoms, just a little at a time.

One should always remember two truths: There is no such thing as a free

lunch, and you can never hire someone to provide a service for you

cheaper than you can do it yourself.

If you see that all of this wonderful government "help" is a problem

confronting the future of this great Republic, you might want to send

this on to your friends. If you think the free ride is essential to your

way of life, then you will probably delete this email. But, God help us all

when the gate slams shut!

Quote for today:

"The problems we face today are there because the people who work for a living are now outnumbered by those who vote for a living." -- Anonymous

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