Sunday Family Humour 1st February Page 2

Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour

A Good Salesman

Thanks to John H.

A young guy from West Vriginia moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum cleaner salesman back in West Virginia."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.

That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in West Virginia, but you're not in the mines anymore, son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"

The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".

The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?" The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing..

Indoor Cat Playground

Thanks to UnSlave me

Happy Pictures

Thanks to Connie

Happy Pictures

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Just Old Pencils

Thanks to Jim R.

A PENCIL MAKER TOLD THE PENCIL 5 IMPORTANT LESSONS

JUST BEFORE PUTTING IT IN THE BOX:

1.) EVERYTHING YOU DO WILL ALWAYS LEAVE A MARK.

2.) YOU CAN ALWAYS CORRECT THE MISTAKES YOU MAKE.

3.) WHAT IS IMPORTANT IS WHAT IS INSIDE OF YOU.

4.) IN LIFE, YOU WILL UNDERGO PAINFUL SHARPENINGS,

WHICH WILL ONLY MAKE YOU BETTER.

5.) TO BE THE BEST PENCIL, YOU MUST ALLOW YOURSELF

TO BE HELD AND GUIDED BY THE HAND THAT HOLDS YOU.

We all need to be constantly sharpened.

This parable may encourage you to know that you are a special person,

With unique God-given talents and abilities.

Only you can fulfill the purpose which you were born to accomplish.

Never allow yourself to get discouraged and think that your life is insignificant

And cannot be changed and, like the pencil,

Always remember that the most important part of who you are, is what's inside of you.

Homemade Natural Cough Drops

Thanks to David M.

In Honour Of Stupid People

Thanks to Bryan W

In Honour of Stupid People . . ...

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) --

"Do not turn upside down."

(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

==========================

On Sainsbury's peanuts --

"Warning: contains nuts."

(talk about a news flash)

===========================

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine --

"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."

(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)

==========================

On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding --

"Product will be hot after heating."

(...and you thought????...)

=======================

On a Pifco hairdryer --

Do not use while sleeping.

(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

====================================

On a bag of Doritos --

You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

(the shoplifter special?)

===========================

On a bar of Dial soap --

"Directions: Use like regular soap."

(and that would be???....)

============================

On some Swanson frozen dinners --

"Serving suggestion: Defrost."

(but, it's just a suggestion.)

========================

On packaging for a Rowenta iron --

"Do not iron clothes on body."

(but wouldn't this save me time?)

==============================

On Nytol Sleep Aid --

"Warning: May cause drowsiness."

(..I'm taking this because???.....)

==============================

On most brands of Christmas lights --

"For indoor or outdoor use only."

(as opposed to what?)

==========================

On a Japanese food processor --

"Not to be used for the other use."

(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

==============================

On an American Airlines packet of nuts --

"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."

(Step 3: say what?)

===========================

On a child's Superman costume --

"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

========================

On a Swedish Chainsaw --

"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."

(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

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HOLY HUMOR

Thanks to Ray O'.

During these serious and troubled times, people of all faiths should remember these four great religious truths:

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's Chosen People.

2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.

4. Methodists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.

GOOD SAMARITAN

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan.

She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded

and bleeding, what would you do?"

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence: "I think I'd throw up."

DID NOAH FISH?

A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?"

"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms.

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD

A Sunday school teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23.

She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm.

After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.

On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn,

he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know.

UNANSWERED PRAYER

The preacher's 5-year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon.

One day, she asked him why.

"Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."

"How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.

BEING THANKFUL

A Rabbi said to a precocious 6-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night?

That's very commendable. What does she say?"

The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS

When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past).

For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls."

This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her,

"Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?"

Her response, "Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!

SAY A PRAYER

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his grandmother's house.

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.

When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.

"Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother.

"I don't need to," the boy replied.

"Of course, you do," his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house."

"That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook.

THE BIBLE

Did you know that... When you carry the Bible, Satan has a headache. When you open it, he collapses.

When he sees you reading it, he faints. Let's read the Bible every day so he keeps on fainting.

Maybe one day he'll have a stroke and never wake up.

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