Sunday Family Humour 28th December Page 2

Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour

Ramblings of an Old Person

Thanks to Paul S.

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So I'm wearing my garage door opener.

I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call "blue teeth", I think.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and call it 'Pumping Rust'.

I've gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

When people see a cat's litter box they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?' Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!'

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write, 'An ambulance.'

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older.

Then it dawned on me. They were cramming for their finals. As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs'

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their "odometers." Not me. I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Ah! Being young is beautiful but being old is comfortable.

Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth, but not all the time.

Top Close Calls Compilation

Thanks to YourTubeNews

Redneck Technology

Thanks toBert N.

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Best Of The Web - 233 video clips

Thanks to Spike

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS

Thanks to Bert N.

1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .'

My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'

I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's

dress and began to take off her underwear.

Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - -

and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald ,

San Francisco

2... At the beginning of my shift

I placed a stethoscope on an elderly

and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.

'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed.

'Yes, they used to be,'. . .replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes ,

Seattle , WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad

news when I told a wife that her husband had

died of a massive myocardial infarct.

Not more than five minutes later, I heard her

reporting to the rest of the family that he had

died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up

appointment with his cardiologist, he informed

me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with

one of his medications..

' Which one ?'. .. . I asked. 'The patch...

The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it !'

I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped

I wouldn't see.

Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!

Now, the instructions include removal of

the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair ,

Norfolk , VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,

I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'

After a look of complete confusion she answered . . .

' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-

Corvallis , OR

6. I was performing rounds at the

hospital one morning and while checking

up on a man I asked . . .' So how's your

breakfast this morning?'

' It's very good

except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem

to get used to the taste.'. .. . Bob replied.

I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced

a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf ,

Detroit ,

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room

when a young woman with purple hair styled

into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety

of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing,

entered . . . It was quickly determined that

the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was

scheduled for immediate surgery..

When she was completely disrobed on the operating

table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had

been dyed green and above it there was a

tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon

wrote a short note on the patient's dressing,

which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN no name,

AND FINALLY!! ! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB.

I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams...

To cover my embarrassment

I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam

suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me.

I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . .

' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'

She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . .

' No, doctor, but the song you were whistling was . . .

' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener .' '

Dr. wouldn't submit his name....

1 MORE

Baby's First Doctor Visit

This made me laugh out loud.

I hope it will give you a smile!

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,

waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied..

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,

'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'

' I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma,

But I'm glad I came.'

Going to the Boat

Thanks to David H.

First Time - Carrier landing

Here is a good birds eye view of what pilots see when they are landing on the deck of a carrier.

Most Marine pilots are required to do carrier quals, as all Navy pilots are required to do.

They begin with touch and go( with the arresting gear hook retracted), then proceed to catch an arresting gear wire on the ships surface.

Take note of the pilots description of the moving angle deck they have to land on....

Christmas Funnies

Thanks to John F.

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