Sunday Family Humour 21st September Page 2

Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour

Pun-ishments!

Thanks to Johnny J.

The ability to make and understand puns is considered to be the highest level of language development. Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest:

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication..

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends,

with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.

No pun in ten did

Payback is a Bitch

Thanks to David M.

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door.

She was a sorry sight.

Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down..

We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.

We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat'.

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so

He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.

My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.'

He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.

My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye.

The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'.

They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another,

With my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion..

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor,

Who is located in the same building, next door to the vet.

The GP's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor.

A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.

He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, 'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more.

We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose!

Oh, and, by the way, she's pregnant!

God only knows who the father is!'

Then he closed the door.

The silence was deafening.

Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!

Wonderful Graffiti

Thanks to Paul S.

Wondefful Graffiti

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Sports History

(Probably true!)

Thanks to David H.

This is one of the funniest, cleverest (and in parts most subtle) mix of satire and parody ever.

Note the DATE of the "conference". And note that while women get almost nothing the poor Indian (native American) gets zero!

Hope you enjoy it at least as much as I did.

PS: For maximum enjoyment, it's helpful to know that 'luge' is the downhill sled racing sport where the rider lays on his (or her) back with feet sticking out in front.