Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour
With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.'
I went over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying.
I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning”? She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel.
It's been a rough day. I got up this morning and put a shirt on and a button fell off.
I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
I was such an ugly kid! When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.
I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me.
She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
I'm so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid that came with his wallet.
When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father,
We did everything we could, but he pulled through anyway."
I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born.
Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents.
I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?"
He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
I'm so ugly, I once worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.
I went to see my doctor.
"Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up.
What's wrong with me?" He said: "Nothing, your eyesight is perfect."
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills.
My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
One year they wanted to make me a poster boy -- for birth control.
My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.
Thanks to Lee
Thanks to Ray O'.
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Thanks to Steven B.
A magician worked on a cruise ship.
The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem:
The captain's parrot saw the shows each week
and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show,
"Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or
"Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank! , drowning almost all who were on board.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... with the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day... and then 2 days and then 3 days ..
Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said .....
"OK, I give up. Where's the damn ship?"
Thanks to Steven B.
Thanks to David M.
Too Good To Miss
Thanks to Unslave Me.
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