Sunday Family Humour 28th September Page 2

Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour

Grins and Snickers

Thanks to David M

I was in the six-item express lane at the store quietly fuming.

Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly,

"So which six items would you like to buy?"

(Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?)

------------------------------------------------------------

Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbors and his wife were told there would be a 45 minute wait for a table.

"Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes."

They were seated immediately.

------------------------------------------------------

The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would "hate" to have to make a living under the laws they have just passed.

------------------------------------------------------

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom. The bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.

The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly.

As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

------------------------------------------------------

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

------------------------------------------------------

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?”

Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"

------------------------------------------------------------

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.

Looking up, he asks the Lord. "God, what does a million years mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A minute."

Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A penny."

Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"

The Lord replies, "In a minute."

-------------------------------------------------

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"

"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"

-------------------------------------------------

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, dear," he said.

"Of course, John," his wife said softly.

"Six months after I die," John said, "I want you to marry Bob."

"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.

With his last breath John said, "I do!"

--------------------------------------

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is going to poison me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's going to poison me. What should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man.

He says, "I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

The man said, "Yes" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

---------------------------------------------------------------

I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.

No Make-up Required

Thanks to Paula M.

No Make-up Required

Horses made out of driftwood

Thanks to Paula M.

Artist's life-size beach sculptures made from driftwood

1. James Doran-Webb, 46, made horses out of driftwood he found on beaches
2. The Birmingham-based master craftsman gave each horse moveable limbs
3. He made sculptures for an upcoming Chinese New Year party in Singapore
4. The coming Chinese New Year will be known as 'Year of the Wooden Horse'
5. Three horses each contain around 400 individual pieces of reclaimed wood
6. They are all built around a stainless-steel skeleton and stand roughly 6ft tall

These majestic horses galloping through the sea may look real but are in fact made from thousands of pieces of driftwood salvaged from the shore.

The life-size sculptures are the work of Birmingham-based master craftsman James Doran-Webb, 46, who spent a painstaking six months assembling them as part of celebrations to mark Chinese New Year in Singapore.

Each of the three sculptures stands at around 6ft tall - or 16 hands as horse lovers might say - and is made from roughly 400 pieces of driftwood of varying sizes built around a stainless steel skeleton.

Birmingham-based master craftsman James Doran-Webb (pictured on horse) spent a painstaking six months assembling the sculptures as part of celebrations to mark Chinese New Year in Singapore

Each horse weighs around half a tonne and can take the weight of five people.

Doran-Webb made all three with moveable limbs and neck so they can be arranged into lifelike poses, as these stunning photographs show.

The trio of horses were constructed for the Gardens by the Bay in Singapore. They will take pride of place in their Chinese New Year celebration, which fittingly marks the coming 'Year of the Wooden Horse'

James Doran-Webb pays locals in his adopted hometown of Cebu, Philippines, to collect the wood from nearby beaches. For every kilo of wood salvaged, he plants a seedling at one of several sites around the city

The wood Doran-Webb uses for his sculptures is around 50 years old, and according to the craftsman it is ideal to work with.

He said: 'It is an oily wood so it withstands weather and it is very tensile - it's a dream to work with.'

'I started out with sketches of the horses then once I was happy with them I made miniature models of them, which took a month on its own,' he added.

Doran-Webb said the next step was to make a large plywood template to weld the stainless steel frame onto.

He said: 'Putting the driftwood onto the sculpture took about three months. The large bits go on first followed by the more intricate pieces.'

To receive the weekly link to the latest Sunday Family humour,

send an email to dgwest7@gmail.com

saying subscribe Sunday Family Humour.

No costs, nothing else needed. Welcome and thank you.

9 points to ponder

Thanks to Lee

I am only sending this to those I believe have the mental capacity to

comprehend the meaning of these statements. It requires the real deep

thinker to grasp these most important facts.

Number 9 - Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

Number 8 - Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 7 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can

die.

Number 6 - Men have two emotions: hungry and horny, and they can't tell

them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

Number 5 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person

to use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe

years. and I add: give them a cell phone with all the bells & whistles

& you may never see them again.

Number 4 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the

hospital, dying of nothing.

Number 3 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no

attention to criticism.

Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now

the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Number 1 - Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today might

burn your butt tomorrow.

...and as someone recently said to me:

Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last that long.

Funnies for a weekend

Thanks to Ray O'.

Golden Arches Commercial

Thanks to Ray O'.

The very entertaining non-fattening commercial was done in Brazil 2014 celebrating the World Cup

Music's great too.

Montenegro

Thanks to Lee

Montenegro

Did you Enjoy This Page?

Please click +1