Sunday Family Humour 11th January

Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour

God and Lawn Care

Thanks to Paula M.

GOD to ST. FRANCIS:

Frank, ... You know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.

St. FRANCIS:

It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD:

Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS:

Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD:

The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast.

That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS:

Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.

GOD:

They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS:

Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD:

They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS:

No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD:

Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow.

And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS:

Yes, Sir.

GOD:

These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS:

You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD:

What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.

ST. FRANCIS:

You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD:

No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS:

After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch.

They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD:

And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS:

They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD:

Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts.

What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE:

'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about....

GOD:

Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.

The meaning of "dog tired"

Thanks to David H.

Dog Tired

The Dalai Lama's Guide To Happiness

Thanks to Kaline.

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More Rare Historical Photos

Thanks to Spike

More Rare Historical Photos

Truisms

Thanks to Paula M.

How Far The Human Race Has Come

Thanks to Ray O'.

Facts that show just how far the human race has come.

How Far The Human Race Has Come

Modern Day Philosophers

Thanks to Murray S,

John Glenn...

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind

- every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.

Desmond Tutu...

When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land.

They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes.

When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.

David Letterman...

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.

Howard Hughes...

I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. I'm a billionaire.

Old Italian proverb...

After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.

Betsy Salkind...

Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.

Jean Kerr...

The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.

Zsa Zsa Gabor...

I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.

Jeff Foxworthy...

You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.

Prince Philip...

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.

Emo Philips...

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

Harrison Ford...

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.

Spike Milligan...

The best cure for Sea Sickness, is to sit under a tree.

Robin Hall...

Lawyers believe a person is innocent until proven broke.

Jean Rostand...

Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror

Arnold Schwarzenegger...

Having more money doesn't make you happier.

I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.

WH Auden...

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.

Jonathan Katz...

In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked

Johnny Carson...

If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.

Warren Tantum... (School photo album).

I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical

Steve Martin...

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap

Jimmy Durante...

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.

. Doug Hanwell...

America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.

George Roberts...

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone

Jonathan Winters...

If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.

Robert Benchley...

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

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