What's the difference between a bystander and an upstander?

Posted November 2020

By Narden Ishak

Staff Reporter

What's the difference between a bystander and an upstander?

A bystander is a person who witnesses bullying but doesn’t get involved, while an upstander is a person who is witnessing bullying, knows that it's wrong, decides to do something about it, and/or speaks up on the victim’s behalf.

Do you think you’re a bystander or an upstander? Maybe you’re the bully? The victim? Here’s a quick quiz you can try: It uses passive bystander instead of bystander and an active bystander instead of an upstander. https://www.proprofs.com/quiz-school/story.php?title=NjAwMzA1. What was your result? Are you happy with it or do you want to change it? I scored active bystander. I wasn't always an upstander. I was once a bully. Yes, a bully.

When I was in, I think, first or second grade, I used to bully a boy in my class. At the time bullying was quite popular with my girlfriends, so I did it too without thinking about the boy's feelings. I physically and verbally abused him, and I was a kid! I did this for a couple of years, and I think it could have been because I was emotionally bullied in kindergarten. A kindergarten girlfriend used to tell me that if I didn't give her my food, or the stickers on my notebooks, she would stop being friends with me. I listened to her for a while, but then I told my mom, and she told me to be strong and say no. I did and we stopped being friends. Then I was friends with a group of girls who influenced me to be a bully, one girl in particular who I will call "Mia." I am not saying that was an excuse in any way. What I did was still very wrong and hurtful.

I am not sure what happened, but I stopped being a bully after a couple of years. I was still friends with the same people, and they were still bullies, but I had made a friend who was very different from them, and I think she was a good influence who helped me stop. She's still my best friend even though she's in Egypt and I am here. When I stopped bullying the boy, I started telling Mia, who was still a bully, that it was wrong and mean and that she should stop. I never got tired of telling her that, every time I saw her bullying someone. Eventually she got tired and stopped bullying people—at least whenever I was around. I knew she was still doing it behind my back, but at the time I thought I couldn't do anything else as a third/fourth grader.

One day in fifth/sixth grade, I was standing between my best friend and Mia, in a circle with all my friends, as we played a game. Suddenly, I saw Mia whispering something to the girl next to her and the girl left the circle. The girl, who I will call "Nora," wasn't really popular or close with anyone in our group, but she was a really nice, quiet girl who caused no harm to anyone. I followed "Nora" and asked her what happened. Nora told me that Mia told her to stop playing with us because no one likes her or enjoys her company.

I still remember how mad and upset that made me feel. I left Nora and went back to the circle and leaned in on Mia and asked her why told Nora to step out, that it was really mean and unnecessary. She said, "I don't know, I just did." I told her she shouldn't have done that, and she should never do it again. I went back to Nora and told her not be upset, and she shouldn't mind what Mia said. I made sure that Mia said sorry to Nora in front of me before we continued playing. I think that was the point when I became an upstander.

There are six types of bullying: 1. Physical bullying, which is the most known of all. It's when someone uses physical action to dominate, gain power, and control their target/victim. 2. Verbal abuse, which is when the bully uses insulting words, statements, and name calling to belittle, demean, or hurt their target's/victim's feelings. 3. Relational aggression (or emotional bullying), is a type of sneaky social manipulation where the bully tries to hurt the victim's social standing by spreading rumors or manipulating situations. 4. Cyberbullying, which is to use technology to harass, target, or threaten someone online. It's also called cyber harassment, or cyberstalking, if it's an adult bullying a minor. 5. Sexual bullying, which is when the bully uses harmful actions, including sexual name-calling, crude comments, vulgar gestures, uninvited touching, and sexual propositioning. 6. And prejudicial bullying, which is based on a prejudice that a person has towards people of different races, religions, or sexual orientations.

There are four upstanding options. 1. To befriend the target/victim. Bullies aren’t used to their targets having friends, so when you befriend the victim, it could change everything. 2. To interrupt when you see bullying happen. You can interrupt by asking a question, like where’s the bathroom, or ask the victim to show you where the bathroom is. By interrupting, you’re giving the victim a chance to walk away from the situation. 3. This is my personal favorite, the confrontational route: speak out on behalf of the victim. It's the hardest, and the one that requires the most courage, and you don’t have to be an extrovert or the confrontational type to do it. Anyone can do it. You can say that the situation is wrong and tell the bully that what they're doing is mean and to stop. Speaking out can also help grab the attention of others around you who might join and help. 4. Tell an adult. You can do that during or after the bullying happens. That’s not tattling because you're not trying to get someone in trouble; you're trying to make sure someone is safe.

When I was in sixth grade, a boy in one of my classes always sat really close to me, uncomfortably close to the point where our legs were touching, even though there was plenty of space and other places for him to sit. When I tried telling him to move, he got mad and defensive. Why was I am making a big deal? So, I didn’t say anything more to him. It really bothered me, so I told my best friend about it. She got really upset that he was doing that, and suggested I tell the teacher, but I was too embarrassed and ashamed, so I said no. My best friend later became my upstander. She told the teacher what was happening and how I felt. It helped me tremendously. The teacher took notice of it the next time, and told the boy to scoot over or find another seat.

A few months ago, I was at the mall with my family when a guy slapped my butt. I was the only one who noticed, as it was subtle. I wish someone would’ve stood up for me, because I couldn't do it for myself. It all happened so fast, and I was too embarrassed, ashamed, and in shock to react in time. I hope that if someone else is in a similar situation, she has the courage to stand up for herself or hopefully have an upstander stand up for her.

I was watching a Youtube video yesterday from the “What Would You Do” show. It's the reason I decided to write this column. In an experiment, two actresses were fat shaming and skinny shaming other actresses at a gym to see what people would do. Almost all the people spoke up. It was so beautiful to watch. I got really mad and upset and wanted to get in the screen and say something to the mean women, even though I knew they were all actors. It restored my faith in humanity.

The video that autoplayed next was another episode from the same show, but this time it was a 15-year-old actress studying alone in a coffee shop while an older male actor actor approached her. He was trying convince her to go with him to his house down the street to “jam” together, as she had a guitar with her and he said he had a drum set at his house. The show tried to make it appear that he was trying to kidnap, sexually assault, or traffic the young girl. Most people in the coffee shop spoke up and made sure that the girl didn’t go with the guy. Some even offered her to sit with them or to give her a ride. Others advised her to say no, but she hesitated and the guy convinced her to leave with him. They didn’t try to physically interfere! They just let the girl leave with him! Watching this made me so frustrated. What if it wasn’t staged? They just let the girl possibly (most likely) get hurt when they were well aware she was in a dangerous situation and needed someone to speak for her and guide her.

I was once a bully, once a victim, and once an upstander. It's so different from each point of view. As a little young bully, I didn’t understand it was wrong; I thought it was fun, but when I understood, I hated the thought of me ever doing that to someone. I will make sure to teach my kids that bullying is very wrong and hurtful, and I will teach them how to be upstanders. When I was the upstander, I felt happy that I was there and had the chance to help someone. It made me very proud of myself. As the victim, I felt ashamed and embarrassed, and I was upset I didn't have the courage to stand up for myself like I did for others. I was glad my best friend was my upstander that one time, and I wished I had another upstander the second time. Please, don’t be a bystander. Be an upstander. It's so much harder for victims to speak up for themselves in a situation where they are the target than it is for someone watching. Try and help as much as you possibly can. Whether the bullying is happening to a friend or a stranger, whether it's physical, verbal, in real life, or on the internet, you can always find one way or another to play a positive role in the situation and help someone.

“Strong people stand up for themselves, but the strongest people stand up for others,” Chris Gardner said.

• Bullying Statistics: https://www.pacer.org/bullying/resources/stats.asp

• More About Cyberbullying: https://www.security.org/resources/cyberbullying-facts-statistics/

• Doxxing: https://sites.google.com/ddsd40.org/highlander/news/doxxing-on-the-rise?authuser=0

• DDHS Social Worker: Caty_Buckley@ddsd40.org

• National Sexual Assault/Rape Hotline (confidential 24/7 support): 800.656.4673

• Chat Online at: online.rainn.org

• 24-hour National Crisis Hotline: 1-800-448-3000

• Abuse/Violence Child Protective Services: 1-810-412-6109

• Domestic Violence: 1-800-799-SAFE