Embedded Files
Man Gives Up On Getting Married, Self Respect, Buys Smart Car
Warren, Mich.— A displaced Royal Oak-type made the working class city of Warren his home and brought with him his pretentious, utterly aberrant, part go-kart death trap.
Basson Pells, a skinny, vegetarian whole food shopper, daily folds his six-foot-four frame like an accordion into his Smart car and drives to his job in Southfield in an extravagant spectacle of the absurd looking much like a praying mantis in a matchbox—his bent limbs, elbows, and knees pointing this way and that.
Pells claimed that after he “tried the whole muscle car and football thing,” and found that women didn’t seem to be impressed and always bypassed him for the jerks, he decided to give in to his inner hipster.
Pells proudly parks his royal blue Smart car in his driveway and ignores the neighbors’ sneers and sideways looks when they park their enormous midsized Chevy, Ford, and Chrysler sedans in their driveways. “I almost got killed while riding my Smart car once,” said Pells, “when a Cadillac Escalade ran over me. I closed my eyes but felt nothing. I thought it must have been good karma for all my smart decisions that made the SUV swerve at the last second, but I realized that the SUV was high enough off the ground that it cleared me without even brushing my roof.”
Pells, a frequent recycler and a tofu enthusiast, believes he can be “an ambassador of Smart cars and a smarter lifestyle” to the backwards, blue-collar people of Warren.
-The Editors
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Jack and Rose are up to their old antics again in this playful, full-color rendering of the original 1997 film Titanic, but are, alas, still foiled by their ice nemesis.
A new generation of young women and many mawkish young men have been afforded the opportunity to spread their wings with Jack and Rose on the big-screen, big-budget adventure that many of their older siblings fell in love with nearly fifteen years ago. Many, however, have lamented the lack of originality in this plot and the heavy reliance on the original ’97 script.
“They may have spiced it up a bit with 3D,” said one moviegoer, “but the ship still sank in the end. I was hoping for an alternate ending or something. Maybe they’ll include one in the DVD release.”
Some supporters of the updated film admired the way “bodies bounced and spun as they plummeted to their icy deaths in stunning and crystalline 3D” and claimed they felt as though they were “drowning and freezing with them” and were there “watching the screaming, struggling masses wriggle and suffer in life-like death throes.”
All-in-all, this titanic flop of a ship is sure to once again garner huge lucrative gains for the movie’s director who never seems to tire of sinking the mighty ship or financially benefitting from the thousands of lives lost in the glacial gaffe.
-The Editors
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North Korean Launches Miserably Unsuccessful Computer Virus
Pyongyang, North Korea— Kim Jong Un’s Pinky and the Brain-esqe plot to take over the world with a computer virus that would brainwash the world’s Internet-surfing populace with Un’s soothing ranting proved unsuccessful when North Korean military computers failed to boot up.
Un touted his virus as “unstoppable and unassailably reliable” and drew grandiose word pictures of his country’s breaking the chains of Western imperialism “through their own precious technology,” something that seems to have eluded Un and his military for the time being.
"Un"-fortunately, Un had invited editors and tech geeks from many of the world’s leading computer and technology publications to witness the launching of the virus. Witnesses say that everyone sat in their chairs, shuffling uncomfortably waiting for the computers to boot up.
“It was very awkward,” said Lyle Berthiaume of Frayed Wire Technology. “We sat there quietly with only an occasional cough or ‘Hail, Dear Leader’ to break up the silence. We all leaned in with ardent anticipation at the whirring and clicking of the up-starting machinery only to hear everything suddenly fizzle to silence. All the North Korean techs started squawking and buzzing around the machines trying to figure out what was wrong, but after the second attempt, the machines began smoking and we reluctantly turned in our press passes and began heading home.”
Un, allegedly, screamed at the departing crowd that he would soon be their ruler and they had better not leave or they would miss the grand launching, but to no avail. Un later claimed to the press that his computers began working fine immediately after the last foreign correspondent left and that it would be only a matter of days before the world was dog meat soup in his hands—they would see.
-The Editors
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Neighborhood Creep Watches Neighbor Through Sniper Rifle Scope
Madison Heights, Mich.— Last Tuesday, Leonard Archibald Hager, or, as many of his neighbors endearingly refer to him, “The Madison Heights Creeper,” revealed his clumsy ineptness when it comes to any kind of normal interaction with the fairer sex.
Hager, a thirty-eight-year-old single firearm enthusiast whose outerwear is exclusively camouflage, often sits in his house observing the goings-on of his neighborhood through the convenient clarity of his M107 rifle scope. Hager’s home boasts state-of-the-art security and surveillance, and his shelves are well-booked with the likes of David Icke, Milton William Cooper, Devon Jackson, and Holger Kersten.
After several unsuccessful attempts to reach out to women Online, Hager allegedly decided that simply following their movement from his locked-down fortification would be a more plausible alternative to actually trying to date.
Women in Hager’s neighborhood claim he “creeps [them] out” and that they believe he has people locked in his basement. Most women stated emphatically that they would not consider dating him “in a million years, even if the perpetuation of the human species depended on it.” One woman, Edith Routhefoucauld, however, stated that she might consider dating him “when they finally put him in prison.”
Hager has yet to serve any time, and neighbors fear any police standoffs with him would more than likely result in Hager’s multiple firearms being gently extricated from his cold, dead hands.
-The Editors
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Drive-Thru Customer To Teenage Employee: “How Do You Expect Me To Drink This?”
Sterling Heights, Mich.— Debra Lynn Taylor-Biltmoore berated a dim-witted, thick-skulled teenage drive-thru attendant at the Lakeside McDonald’s after finding she had not been given a straw.
With nephews in tow, Taylor-Biltmoore stopped at McDonald’s to feed them and her own children a delicious lunch of fried, greasy goodness. For herself, she allegedly ordered a “large diet with extra ice,” a Taylor-Biltmoore staple. Upon receiving the drink tray and opening the bag of steaming food to “see what those idiots forgot this time,” she found, much to the chagrin of those with her, that she had been shorted several straws.
Nephews claim that Taylor-Biltmoore shrieked, “He didn’t give us enough straws!” as the line of cars behind her grew and her sickly, forlorn son Eric sat idly in his car seat wondering how he was going to drink his orange juice to wash down his plain hamburger bun and microwaved corn.
Nephews allege that Taylor-Biltmoore “rapped loudly on the drive-thru window” until the attendant opened it with a hesitant, “almost fearful” look on his face and then demanded of him loudly enough for those in line behind and possibly those in the mall to hear, “Excuse me, how do you expect me to drink this?” as she waved her large diet with extra ice before him.
Witnesses say that the teenage flunky turned and grabbed several straws and gave them to her without a word, eliciting a “five-minute tirade” from Taylor-Biltmoore about how “the least you could do is apologize” and how often “the idiots working here mess up even the simplest of orders” and demanded of him, “How do you think you are going to succeed at a real job if you don’t even take this one seriously?” Taylor-Biltmoore then launched into her signature spiel about what was expected of her when she worked at a McDonald’s as a teenager.
Taylor-Biltmoore’s nephews claim that the pimply attendant looked at her with “glassy eyes, as though his brain were fried on drugs and trans-fatty oils” and didn’t respond except when she began pulling away, at which point he said in a monotone, dull voice, “Have a nice day,” as though he were reciting it for the thousandth time that afternoon and hadn’t heard or understood a word of the blasting vituperation he had just endured with either biblical patience or complete incomprehension.
Taylor-Biltmoore, whose favorite literary character is Mrs. Dubose, continues to fight the losing battle against teenage drive-thru incompetence.
-The Editors
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Skateboarding: It Actually Is A Crime
Washington, D.C.— Pro-skateboarding bumper stickers and impudent T-shirts notwithstanding, high courts have ruled to uphold an obscure earmark passed in 1993 that would make any form of skateboarding a federal crime in the United States.
The law, which slipped through undetected and was subsequently signed into law, was traced back to a now-deceased Representative whom sources claim “constantly complained about the epidemic of skateboarding,” alleging that the activity was corrupting the nation’s youth and bringing down the value of his home.
When a current Congressperson recently pointed out that the legislation was technically signed into law over nineteen years ago and should legally be enforced, pro-skateboarding groups immediately challenged the Constitutionality of the law, calling it “petty and illegitimate.”
Last Wednesday the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals ruled by an overwhelming margin that the law was Constitutional “out of respect for the deceased Representative,” and many believe it to be headed ultimately for the Supreme Court. For the time being, however, skater punks everywhere face arrest and prosecution for just participating in their favorite deadbeat, loitering, malingering idleness.
The Supreme Court has stated that they will not hear the case until the healthcare question is resolved, leaving public areas and concrete stairs free, for the time being, of the public menaces.
-The Editors
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