Embedded Files
Clinton Twp, Mich.— All signs of the burglary at a local department store point to the “Woppers,” a gang of Italian-American toughs who menace and terrorize the citizens of the tight-knit community.
Locals claim that the Woppers are always “hanging around downtown in their rebellious jean-pants, white T-shirts, and signature leather bomber jackets with their gang name written across the back while smoking and combing their greasy hair.”
In Clinton Township, the biggest danger to the townspeople is the frequent and beautifully choreographed knife fights and high-speed convertible sports car drag races between the Woppers and rival Irish gang the “Big Macs.”
The Woppers, who usually limit their menacing to sneering and mocking the local business people, apparently concocted a plan in which they could significantly increase their reserves of black leather shoes and hair grease by knocking off a local department store.
Gianfranco Caballero, the store’s proprietor, stated, “I knew it was-a them! I tell-a Gisella, ‘Those-a bad boys are up-a to no good!’ I tell her that!”
Caballero claimed he could smell their hair grease along with the overpowering stench of cologne lingering the next morning when he came to open the store.
The leader of the Woppers, Bartolomeo Mecatti, sneered when questioned about the incident and stated, “Yeeah, we done it, an’ we ain’t sorry, see? I told that ol’ man he’s gonna get what’s comin’ to him.”
Mecatti alleged that the township’s D.A. spoke with him that afternoon about the incident after officers dragged him and other alleged purloiners from his gang downtown for questioning, but he said that he wasn’t worried because he “made that square a deal he couldn’t refuse.”
So far, townspeople have little hope that the Woppers’ reign of terror will end, and they fear that getting away with this brazen crime will only embolden the hooligans in the future unless some tragically romantic catastrophe occurs to shake the boys up so that they stop wasting their days in youth gangs and begin to find honest Italian jobs like laying tile, plumbing, and breaking kneecaps.
-The Editors
______________________
Brooklyn Park, Minn.— Ingrid Safran is no longer shockingly grotesque thanks to a few easy-to-follow tips from her favorite teen magazine.
Safran, who reads the articles in order to be reminded of just how ugly and inadequate she is, said that the article’s title, which was splashed across the front cover next to an anorexic, airbrushed model, caught her eye when she first received the magazine from a postman wincing at her loathsome appearance.
“The name of the article was ‘Twelve Easy Steps To Transform From frightful To Felicitous,’ and I thought maybe it would help, and sure enough, it did,” said a beaming and beautiful Safran.
Safran claims that most classmates didn’t recognize her the next day but that she was immediately invited to join the cheerleading squad as captain, to become Miss Teen Minnesota, to serve as student body president, and to get all A’s based on her looks.
“It was weird being treated differently,” said Safran, who no longer spends her lunch periods at a table eating alone to the jeers and laughter of mocking and cruel students who are unable to contain their repugnance, “but I like being accepted for how I look now rather than who I am and recommend [the teen magazine] to any girl considering going on being ugly and waiting for acceptance.”
Safran’s teachers and parents have expressed positive feedback regarding Safran’s recent transformation and claim that she is much “easier to be around” because they “don’t have to continually look away.”
-The Editors
________________________
Kitty Doomsday Cult: Are You Prepared For A Post-Cat World?
Provo, Utah— Marius Licata, founder of the Feliluvian Cult, challenged fellow Americans to prepare for the day that cats will no longer be part of our lives.
The Feliluvian cult believes that subliminal messages from the Disney classic An American Tale were meant to warn us that beings from another planet will eventually come capture all cats from earth, beginning with those in America. Feliluvians go on to allege that the US government is complicit in the plans, having full knowledge of the conspiracy and doing nothing to save our kitty population. Feliluvians, furthermore, have explained that the wars in both Iraq and Afghanistan along with the Federal Reserve, the secret symbols on the dollar bill, the Freemasons, and Kennedy’s assassination were all closely tied in with the Kitty apocalypse, and if people would just open their eyes and accept the truth right in front of them, they would see the clear connections.
Licata describes an apocalyptic world in which no cats will be marching across our pillows screeching for milk or rubbing against our legs tripping us as we try to walk from room to room. Followers of Licata have begun preparing for the post-kitty world in earnest, eliminating stockpiles of kitty litter, selling all their worldly cat food, and breaking ties with all cats. No longer will humans be able to scoop their cats’ poop in meek servility or sleep only when their cats allow them to. No longer will people be able to walk around with more cat hair attached to their clothing than their cats have attached to them.
The Feliluvians, in a response to the mass panic sure to ensue, have filled the void where the government failed to act by releasing pamphlets elucidating how parents can explain to their children why Fluffy is no longer with them and what they can do with all the extra sleep they will be getting.
Many Feliluvians, refusing to live in a world without cats, have concocted a red, sugary powder laced with cyanide to mix with water and produce for mass consumption when the cats finally disappear, and many have sold all their belongings and moved to a mountaintop on eastern Utah to await the arrival of the extraterrestrials when they will enjoy their final delicious and deadly drinks.
The nation’s cats, however, seem relatively unruffled by the imminent events and continue their arrogant reign of American households.
-The Editors
________________________
Baskin-Robbins Eliminates Thirteenth Flavor, Releases Official Apology
Canton, Mass.— Baskin-Robbins headquarters shocked the nation this week with an official retraction of number thirteen on the list of its classic “thirty-one flavors.”
The flavor, which most customers couldn’t even name offhand, has long since the corporation’s 1953 debut taken a back seat to newer flavor innovations but has nevertheless raised the eyebrows of certain civil rights groups in recent years.
Despite no formal calls by such groups to remove the controversial flavor, Baskin-Robbins decided this week to voluntarily eliminate it with an apology for the flavor and to emphasize their continued commitment to serving all people not only the best ice cream with the finest flavors but also joy: “We at Baskin-Robbins gave considerable thought to eliminating one of our original thirty-one flavors and decided that it was the right thing to do,” said Baskin-Robbins spokesman Basil Breiman. “It was a different time in 1953 when the flavor was first introduced, but new times and a better understanding of diversity in our world led us to make the cut, and we apologize to any customers who may have felt disenfranchised by the flavor; we trust they will give us another look and are confident they will be delighted with what they find. We are pleased to announce that we remain as committed today to bringing our customers the finest ice cream and the most joyous neighborhood experiences as we were when the first Baskin-Robbins store opened its doors in 1953.”
Breiman stated that Baskin-Robbins will finance the sign and literature changes from “thirty-one flavors” to “thirty flavors” in their franchises without any price increases to the customers, and they have no immediate plans to replace the flavor.
-The Editors
________________________
Skull & Bones Introduces Softer, Gentler Hazing
New Haven, Conn.— The traditional hazing expected by inductees to the underground society “Skull & Bones” at Yale University has undergone a transformation to the more genial and benign.
Ever since the society caved in 1992 to demands for female admission, they have felt increasing pressure to tone down the proud heritage of hazing that “new taps” have enjoyed since the club’s 1832 incipience, and now peaceniks everywhere are lauding the club’s progressive decision to limit hazing to bubble blowing, marshmallow flinging, and saying three nice things about the potential inductee.
“If [the hazee] is able to withstand having nice things said about him or her, then he or she might just be a good fit for our society,” said Bonesperson and society president Chad Rachev. “We are finding that many incoming members—male or female—with public school backgrounds have little if any ability to have their self esteem assaulted, and so the traditional belittling and physical abuse became more deleterious than fun, effectuating the necessity to mitigate the severity.”
One group that is not so thrilled with the new face of the Bones is the conspiracy theorists who find it difficult to maintain conspiracies about the nefarious scheming of the society whom they believe controls the CIA and aspires to bring about the New World Order now that they are “a bunch of marshmallow throwers.”
So far, most Bones alumni seem pleased with the move, and Bones membership is at an all-time high after the recent move to admit anyone who wants to join and is willing to endure merciless and unrelenting magnanimity.
-The Editors
_____________________________
Churro Enthusiast Dubs Himself “Lord of the Churros”
Livonia, Mich.— Peter Shefftz, long-time lover of all things cinnamony, sugary, and deep fried, has declared his intention to live out the rest of his days as Peter Shefftz, Lord of the Churros.
Shefftz, who is not Mexican but enjoys the Mexican treat “as much as any full-blooded Mexican ever could,” claims he has had a churro with every meal he’s eaten since ’96.
Shefftz, a thirty-four-year-old computer programmer who wears ironic T-shirts and a grizzly beard, said that he’s tried every churro recipe on the internet and thinks he has mastered the perfect churro. With the success his churros generally have at all gatherings he brings them to, Shefftz says he hopes to someday open an “all-churro” restaurant if he can persuade his mother, whose basement Shefftz is currently living in, to invest in the start-up. His mother, Shefftz alleges, “is not quite ready to commit yet.”
“The time is right,” said Shefftz. “This market is ripe and ready for a churro restaurant to come onto the scene, and I am ready to fill that void in a big way.”
-The Editors
Google Sites
Report abuse