Embedded Files
Special Deranged Weirdos Edition
Man Fulfils Lifelong Dream Of Being In A Chain Gang
Jacksonville, Fla— Jimmy Herrera has always dreamed of one thing throughout his life: being in a chain gang. This summer, Herrera realized that dream.
Ever since he was a little boy, Herrera has wanted only one thing. “I would see an old-time movie like Cool Hand Luke,” said Herrera, “and I would think, that’s what I want! That’s the life for me! I looked at the camaraderie and high spirits they had, working an honest day’s job by the sweat of their brows, and I could just picture myself in the prison-issued uniform or orange jumpsuit, swinging a grass-cutting thing and yelling, ‘Takin’ it off here, boss!’ and he’d say, ‘Yeah, take it off there.’ It was quite a blow to me when I realized they didn’t do chain gangs that much anymore, especially when I was of age.”
Herrera entered the state penal system last March on a breaking-and-entering conviction that scored him 5-20 years. When the announcement came that he was eligible for the Florida chain-gang program, Herrera was ecstatic. “It was like Christmas came early for me, you know?” said a tearful Herrera. “I knew that everything I been through in life had come together to bring me to this one thing—the thing I was born to do—to be a part of a real, legitimate chain gang.”
Herrera began working the chain gang this July and said it is everything he dreamed of, although no one actually yells, “Takin’ it off here, boss.” He was also a bit disappointed that he didn’t get to pitch straw onto a freshly-tarred country road, and he admits to sometimes wondering if [the possible twenty-year sentence] was worth it. All-in-all, though, Herrera said he “would do it all over again in a heartbeat,” and he is pleased with life on the “chang” [chain+gang].
Herrera’s son, Jim Junior, looks forward to someday joining his father and believes that it would be “the right thing to do because everyone expects it.” Jim Junior has established himself with an impressive rap sheet and knows his way around the Florida juvenile system. “Who knows,” said Herrera about his son with clear paternal pride, “maybe it’s just in the genes.”
Herrera is scheduled to clear trash from a large section of a major Florida highway beginning again next week.
-The Editors
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Protesting Woman Demanding Suffrage Ninety-One Years Too Late
Madison, Wis.— Passerby’s on Madison’s State Street did double takes last weekend as Julia Caldwell stood on the state Capitol steps demanding women’s suffrage.
Caldwell, who seemed to be confused concerning the effects of the Nineteenth Amendment, shouted vociferously while pumping her fists and raising pro-woman signs, “We’re gals, not goats, / we want to vote!” People seemed shocked and couldn’t believe she was serious.
Said State Street regular Toby Byrd, “I’m all for the lady protests and all, but did she know that she is actually allowed to vote? I mean, it’s been legal for like twenty years now.” While Byrd was correct about the fact that Ms. Caldwell was eligible to vote, her being a female notwithstanding, woman have actually been able to vote legally in the USA since 1920 when Congress ratified the Nineteenth Amendment.
Caldwell agreed to speak to reporters under the stipulation that she be allowed to employ a bullhorn during the interview. Said Caldwell through the superfluous bullhorn, “It’s time for the women of the country to unite and say ‘Enough is enough!’” Caldwell then began ranting, “We’re here, we’re now / We’ll vote, and how!” ignoring the rest of the questions and damaging some of the sound equipment.
Caldwell, who seems to be a few years behind the latest trend in the long, proud tradition of female protesting in America, announced that she will be staging a protest to demand suffrage again next Friday morning and urges all women who are unhappy with being treated as second-class citizens and think they should be allowed to vote to join her on the Wisconsin Capitol’s steps.
-The Editors
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Artful Vietnam Draft Dodger Believes Coast Clear, Returns From Canada
Port Huron, Mich.— Philip Hutchinson, after a forty-two year hiatus from the oppressive drafting practices of the Vietnam-era US government, has deigned to return to America, believing that most danger of being drafted has passed.
Hutchinson, who moved to an obscure, wooded area in the forests of Canada shortly after the government announced the draft, took to painting scenic landscapes and rainbows in his rustic cabin, which he allegedly did not share with a domesticated grizzly.
Said Hutchinson, “Hey man, I don’t want those pigs telling me how to live my life. I make my own rules.” Hutchinson, who has had no contact with society in nearly a half century other than his occasional trips to a small-town general store for supplies, said about his return, “It seemed like the coast was clear, man, and I wanted to see how [things in America were] groovin’.”
It took some convincing to assure Hutchinson that he was not eligible to be drafted to go to Afghanistan, or that America no longer employed the draft. He seemed skittish and hesitant to be seen out in public and was astonished to see that the sci-fi portent of portable communicators had leaped out of Captain Kirk’s hands right into the hands of the unsuspecting masses. Hutchinson spends his hours discovering the “magic” powers of the Internet and deciding how he will use those powers to stop the unfair practice of drafting, whether it be technical drawing, Nascar, or US government—all of which, he believes, are inextricably linked in a grand scheme to take over the world.
Hutchinson currently resides in his mother’s basement. His mother, Francine Hutchinson, claimed for years in assumed senility that Hutchinson was living in Canada waiting out Nixon. Hutchinson’s mother now commands a new respect among her senior friends in their retirement community just outside Port Huron.
-The Editors
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Benton Harbor, Mich.— Forty-four-year-old Peter Gallegos has always believed that if one has a dream and works hard enough, he can achieve anything; he was slapped across his perfectly chiseled cheekbones with cold, wet reality this past Thursday when he interviewed for a job at local TV news station KLDW.
“The guy was a joke,” said station chief Will Stapleton. “He was corning the place up with his dramatic antics and stiff body turns, expressing pinched looks of concern toward each individual camera as though he were reporting the end of the world. We tried not to laugh out loud at him, but he must have heard the techs snickering and tittering behind the cameras and in the control room. Even our interviewer had trouble keeping a straight face.”
Gallegos, who seemed deflated and close to despair when we caught up with him, said, “All my life I have dreamed of being a newsman. I spend close to four hours a day in front of a mirror practicing my expressions to get the perfect Brokaw or Jennings. I don’t care what they say, I know I have what it takes to be a reporter, and I will not give up on my dream.”
Nevertheless, Gallegos responded vaguely when asked when his next attempt to breach the reporting field would be. Viewers can safely assume they will not see Gallegos mugging at them on the evening news any time soon. For further information, feel free to tune in to Gallegos’s bathroom mirror.
-The Editors
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Sandpeople Didn't Kill The Jawas, But We Are Meant To Think They Did
Ben Kenobi immediately saw through the evil Empire’s ploy to trick a small group of humans and droids deep in the Tatooine desert.
To the untrained eye, the hundreds of mercilessly slaughtered Jawas would have appeared to be just another random, good-natured attack by the crafty and mischievous Sandpeople (Tusken Raiders), but Ben Kenobi, AKA Obi Wan Kenobi, was not deceived. After seeing the carnage, Kenobi chuckled to himself and stated, “[Sandpeople] didn't [kill the Jawas]. But we are meant to think they did. These tracks are side by side. Sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Said Imperial Stormtrooper Captain Lenx Booldervin with a wry smile, “It’s always a game of cat-and-mouse with that old man. He’s got a little more spunk in him than most people give him credit. Had it not been for him, Skywalker wouldn’t have put two-and-two together, realized his aunt and uncle had been reduced to a smoldering heap of charred skeletons, and had nothing to lose. How would Lucas have torn [Skywalker] away from the moisture farm then? It was a real boon to the plot, but unfortunately it cost us one very valuable and fully operational Death Star. Well, there’s always Episode V. Let’s just hope Skywalker doesn’t stumble across the green Muppet from the Dagobah system,” Booldervin snorted sardonically.
Kenobi attributes his astute observation to his years of dealing with the wily and devious Empire. He claimed as well that he would be remiss if he didn’t credit the Force with guiding his assertion.
Kenobi and Skywalker are slated to lock horns with the Empire and her minions after finding transportation at a seedy Tatooine cantina to “get off this rock.”
-The Editors
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Insidious Wheel Of Fortune Scam Uncovered, Sajak Takes Fall For Embezzlement, Bomb Threat
Hollywood, Cal.— Fans of “America’s Game” received a devastating blow when images of a shackled and stubbly Pat Sajak, long-time host of the glitzy game show Wheel of Fortune, were splashed across the evening news and celebrity gossip shows throughout the land this past weekend.
Sajak, a favorite of little old ladies everywhere, admitted to a decades-long scheme that has been bilking contestants and show creator Merv Griffin’s heirs out of millions. The plot had been relatively low key and stayed under the radar for years until an overly ambitious, low-level accountant found some discrepancies in the books, began looking into the issue, and stuck his nose where, apparently, Sajak didn’t think it belonged. When the young, wet-behind-the-ears, snotty-nosed accountant brat began digging too deep and alerting the FEDS, authorities say that Sajak just snapped.
“He must have known his gig was about up,” said FBI spokesperson Perry Whitley, “and he couldn’t face the world, so he phoned in a bomb threat. He obviously didn’t think it through very well, because we traced the call right back to his posh suite and found it filled top to bottom with explosives, powder, wiring, detonating devices, and old wheel parts from the [Wheel of Fortune] set to use as shrapnel. Believe it or not, he was sitting right in his living room surrounded by the stuff and entertaining some elderly women, one of whom was long-time Wheel hostess Vanna White, and none of them seemed to even notice that the place was apt to blow like a powder keg—I guess they were just too old, senile, and oblivious. We arrested him on the spot, and he went quietly, but the little old ladies were screaming and weeping hysterically, telling us we had the wrong man, and that ‘Patty is a nice boy’ and so on. I had always thought of White as a classy broad, but she near scratched one of my boys’ eyes out.”
Sajak immediately claimed credit for everything and demanded to be called Patrick Leonard Sajak in all news stories about his newfound lawlessness. Authorities are relieved that they caught Sajak before he hurt anyone and say that the show will go on when reeling executives find a replacement for the long-running, well-loved, but completely deranged Sajak.
-The Editors
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