Embedded Files
World’s Foremost Collection Of Racist Internet Jokes Hacked, Compromised
The racists of the world who depend on the Internet to fuel their toxic, racist spewing of racist jokes took a formidable hit early this morning when one of the largest bastions of racist jokes on the Web was hacked.
Early yesterday morning, hackers found a weakness in the site’s defenses against such attacks and exposed this collection to a full-on assault that left its fans reeling and its operators scrambling to stop the carnage.
Often called “The Citadel of Discrimination,” this collection was the main artery to millions of racists across the globe and delivered to them a steady stream of putrid, racist rantings so they could amuse their racist colleagues and closet bigots with a ready wealth of jokes and other such xenophobic rhetoric.
Self-avowed racist and hater of all people groups besides and sometimes including his own, William C. Chesterfield, as might be expected, is taking the news very hard. Says Chesterfield, “I want to see the glass half full, but I don’t see anything other than utter devastation. Such a blow could set back the cause of racism decades, if not centuries. Never before has any one attack done so much damage to the racist community in one fell swoop.”
Chesterfield went on to question the wisdom behind entrusting ownership and management of a majority of all racist jokes to one entity, and he fears this attack may usher in a return to the era of telling and passing on racist jokes primarily by word-of-mouth or, worse yet, wading through thousands of pages of books for the perfect racist jab. “We have fought too long and too hard to give up all the benefits of the digital age just because people don’t have the perception and foresight to diversify the holdings of racist rhetoric in case one site is compromised,” said Chesterfield dolefully. “[The hacked site] is probably run by a bunch of inept [numerous derogatory racial slurs].”
Indeed, the avid racist-joke enthusiast will find it somewhat difficult to keep a sharp, cutting comment or punch line at the tip of his tongue without the benefit of being able to refresh his recall with a few keystrokes.
The main damage seems to be contained, but thousands of jokes have already had their punch lines completely erased and replaced with lyrics to “It’s a Small World After All.”
A representative of the site stated, “The damage at this point is incalculable, but we can safely say it is catastrophic. We may not get all the compromised jokes and punch lines compiled again for years. This is a sad day for racists everywhere.”
-The Editors
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Mega-Chain Retailer Calls Local Woman’s Bluff To Shop Elsewhere
After walking out of the a Wal-Mart Superstore in her small community of Riverside, Minnesota, and realizing she had been over charged again, Francesca Julia Gutierrez decided to take action.
Gutierrez stormed back into the store, five children in tow and receipt in hand, to demand satisfaction for the alleged mix-up. Gutierrez claimed that when she arrived at the customer service counter, she waited “nearly half an hour” before being helped. When help did arrive, Gutierrez unleashed torrential volumes of grievances, past, present, real, and imagined, in broken English and scattered, fragmentary snatches of a strange, unknown tongue, which customer service representative Daryl Vaughn suspected to be Spanish.
Said Vaughn of the allegedly maligned supposedly Latina woman, “I just got off break and walked out from the back, and she was already yelling at me. I think she swore at me in Spanish or something, but I said to her, ‘I’ll be happy to take a look at the receipt and see if I can help you,’ but she just went on ranting and was all like, ‘You people mess up my bill every single time I come in here!’ and then started going off in Spanish or something, talking about all the kids she has to lug in and out of the store and about the thousands of dollars she spends here, and I tried to interrupt her to apologize, but she wouldn’t stop, so finally I just got sick of it and asked, ‘Well what do you want me to do about it?’ and she said, ‘I’m not coming here to shop anymore! I go to Kroger!’ so I said, ‘Fine.’ I mean, what am I supposed to do? Beg her to keep coming here? If she even does follow through with the threat, it’s not like it’s going to break the back of the entire Wal-Mart franchise.”
Wal-Mart manager Steve J. Lambert stated, “We at Wal-Mart strive to please the customer in any way we can, and had I been made aware of the incident, I would have done anything I could to accommodate Ms. Gutierrez. As it stands, we hope she decides to shop with us again, and we will continue, as always, to endeavor for excellence in our products as well as our customer service.”
A frustrated Gutierrez’s told The Satirical Rogue that she would “never set foot in that store again,” although unconfirmed allegations place her Honda minivan at the Wal-Mart nearly a week after the afore-mentioned incident.
-The Editors
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Brent Thompson guiltily worries about who will be sent to service his inoperative Maytag washer.
Thompson quietly said that he was ashamed to admit that he hoped they send out a male who spoke clear and fluent English to fix his washer. Thompson insisted that he was neither misogynistic nor prejudiced, but that he just kept getting a picture in his head of a clean-cut, white male with a full head of closely-cropped, combed hair whenever he thought about someone fixing his washer—“like the people they put on the commercials.”
Said Thompson, “I guess what I’m really afraid of is that they will send a woman—not that I don’t think she could properly diagnose and fix the appliance, but I might have trouble not second-guessing her diagnosis or repair after she finished, especially if the washer made unfamiliar noises or didn’t work quite right. I’d just hate to have some nagging doubts, and maybe it’s just me, but I’m sorry, I just can’t help what I’d feel more comfortable with. I also don’t want him to be too young. Lower forties is fine, but I don’t think I’d feel comfortable with lower thirties or high fifties.”
Thompson expressed concern with the amount of money he was going to have to pay, especially if the technician is not someone who makes him feel at ease, and stated that he would probably toss and turn most of the night from the anxiety.
The identity of the actual repair technician is yet unidentified.
-The Editors
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Post Office To Allow Criminals To Bid On “Most Wanted” Top Spots In Desperate Attempt To Raise Funds
After another dismal financial year at the United Sates Postal Service, officials have announced a new strategy to raise funds for the beleaguered delivery service.
Lists of the most wanted criminals in America have been a staple in post offices for generations—so much so that some criminals have considered their positions on the lists as status symbols, giving them bragging rights over others. The USPS, in an unusual flash of brilliance, concocted an idea by which they could profit from the “Most Wanted” lists by allowing criminals to bid on the positions they held on the list.
Official spokesperson for the USPS Frank Sutton stated, “We have been sitting on an untapped resource here for some time now. We anticipate criminals will pay upwards of a million dollars for the privilege of being the ‘most wanted’ criminal in America, or even to be in the top five. If this program takes off as we hope it will, we will be introducing a Website on which criminals can anonymously bid for their positions and safely and securely wire money to the government. We hope that criminals will also see this as an opportunity to ‘give back’ to the community a little of what they may have forcibly taken or embezzled. We at the USPS are extremely excited and optimistic.”
Not everyone is as optimistic as Sutton, however. Government watchdog and activist S. Harper Bailey sees Sutton’s figures as “the typical bloated and fuzzy government numbers,” and suspects that even if they did make the millions they anticipate, it would be “only a drop in the bucket when compared with the 7 billion the USPS is projected to lose this year.” Bailey sees this as just another tactic to distract the public from “the real issue of waste, bloated spending, and poor management.”
The new program is scheduled for launch this fall in time for the holiday delivery rush.
-The Editors
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Infuriated Man Announces He Is Fed Up With People Saying, “Ya’ Think?”
Sue Chambers bore the brunt of Forrest Ramsey’s wrath in a casual conversation about politics.
Ramsey, who had been harboring resentment for some time about the frequent public use and the obnoxious nature of the phrase, “Ya’ think?” was trying to make polite conversation with coworker Sue Chambers when he made the statement, “I think they’re going to make more cuts before fall,” to which, Ramsey alleges, Chambers “raised an eyebrow all snottily and said, ‘Ya’ think?’ I know she didn’t mean anything by it, but man, I just can’t stand when people say that. It is about as obnoxious as when I say something, and the other person says, ‘Right?’”
Chambers, who has tried to remain cordial with Ramsey after the alleged incident, stated, “I really don’t know what his problem was. I was trying to have a normal conversation with him, and suddenly he blows up, saying how he hates how people in professional atmospheres talk like ‘valley girl teenagers’ and about how ‘if people knew how ignorant they sounded they would probably just not speak.’ I had to walk away because he was ranting so much that a vein in his forehead was sticking out, and I don’t have to take that from him. I don’t know who he thinks he is to get all high and mighty, and then he tells me, ‘Oh, I wasn’t really talking about you, I was just venting my frustration.’ Yeah. Wanna talk about unprofessional? How about berating a coworker because you’re an idiot? Take a chill pill. Go see a psychiatrist or something.”
As of now, Chambers has not reported the incident to Human Resources; instead, she said that she will “just avoid him and hope he is one of the ones cut.”
-The Editors
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Teacher Alleged To Have Fabricated Passionate Love Note That He Confiscated, Read Aloud To Class
When Fred Niemeyer confiscated and read a note to his ninth grade social studies class, students say he made up the contents to make it more dramatic.
Brittney Delgado had allegedly just received the note from her classmate Mercedes Strickland when Niemeyer allegedly confiscated and read it. Strickland said of the note, “I wrote her a note about cheer practice that had nothing to do with boys or anything, but when he took it away from [Delgado], he was making up some weird love saga like that I was in love with Ethan or something and too lovesick and shy to talk to him. It was actually kind of creepy. He needs to go get a girlfriend or something instead of making up untrue things about us.”
Delgado agreed with Strickland’s assessment and added, “At first I thought that’s what the note really said, and I was like, ‘I can’t believe he’s reading it!’ cuz Ethan was right there, and I didn’t even think ‘Cedes liked him anymore. But he was all like, ‘Hey girl,’ which the note probably really did say, but I don’t know because he ripped it up into tiny pieces and threw it away after he read it, then spit into the garbage—like I was going to go and try to tape it back together or something—but then he’s like, ‘I don’t know how to say this,’ and he pauses all dramatically or whatever, looks at us, then looks back at the note like he’s still reading it, ‘but I am desperately and completely in love with Ethan. Oh that he would just look in my direction, but alas, he doesn’t even know I’m alive,’ and everyone knows that Ethan likes her more than she likes him anyway, plus, she doesn’t talk like that, so it was totally obvious he was making it up because he didn’t get something juicy enough for his taste. I think it’s kinda weird.”
Niemeyer, when confronted with the girls’ statements and accusations of weirdness and creepiness, laughed. Said Niemeyer of the incident, “Of course I made it up. Those two girls are always passing notes across the room and distracting everyone, so I thought since everyone else was distracted, I’d at least give them some amusement. Those girls take themselves way too seriously.
Niemeyer, by his own admission, occasionally confiscates and reads notes aloud to his classes, often falsifying the contents for the sake of humor, and also to curtail note writing from people who would be afraid to have their notes read aloud. When asked if he would read a genuine letter of teenage angst and emotional, heartsick outpouring, Niemeyer stated, “I would use my discretion. If I thought it was going to hurt the kid, I would probably keep him or her after class and deal with it in a more serious, one-on-one manner.”
Official school policy does not formally rule out the age-old practice of student note confiscation and recitation in front of the class, and school administrator Michael Ingram consents that Niemeyer is well within his bounds as a teacher and has always displayed discretion and had a good rapport with the students and parents alike.
-The Editors
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