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New Study Finds T-Rex Actually Died Of A Broken Heart
Farmington, New Mexico— Archeologists are touting their latest discovery as “the first major archeological breakthrough of the twenty-first century.”
Archeologists had been digging just outside the small community of Farmington for three weeks when they unearthed the most complete skeleton of a Tyrannosaurus Rex discovered to-date. The skeleton, which had been preserved in ice and then solidified in rock, still had intact several organs of the beast. Still preserved almost perfectly was the petrified heart of T-Rex which scientists immediately began studying before they made the shocking discovery that T-Rex was not overpowered or destroyed by something more powerful, like a meteor attack, but he died because he lost his desire to go on after suffering some sort of loss, most probably, scientists speculate, in the area of love.
This find has cast T-Rex in a gentler, more sensitive light than the harsh, bone-crunching, flesh-tearing maniac that most people have stereotyped him as. “Of all the beasts of the Mezazoic Era, T-Rex definitely was capable of inciting the most death, destruction, and terror,” said archeologist and “I brake for dinos” bumper sticker enthusiast Brad D'andria, “but now we know that of all the dinosaurs, he was also capable of loving the most. And that, I think, is worth noting.”
At this point, science texts are being revised and dinosaur displays at museums are being updated to reflect the tragedy of a misunderstood monster who lived and loved but whose love was unfortunately never requited.
-The Editors
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Music Nerd Realizes Too Late That Life’s Too Short To Be A Music Nerd
Grand Rapids, Mich.— Single, forlorn, and lugubrious, fifty-four-year-old Albert Hinserov sang the song of the solitary music nerd who chose musical instruments and a dead-end job at the Grand Rapids Symphony Orchestra over friends, family, and love.
“I was practicing my oboe in my trendy loft,” said Hinserov when I looked out the window and said aloud to myself, ‘what in the world am I doing?’ I mean, here I am a first chair oboe at the GRSO, and what do I have to show for it besides the adulations of thousands of the most discerning and culturally relevant people in the greater Grand Rapids area?”
Hinserov claimed to have turned away several young ladies in his earlier days of oboeing for the GRSO who were captivated by his mysterious devotion to his art and desperately wanted to be loved by “the most soulful and deeply moving oboe west of the DSO,” but he claimed that the inexorable and unrelenting pull of his only mistress, music, never allowed him to truly love another, and therefore, one by one, he cut off suitor after suitor, leaving a trail of broken hearts in his melodic wake.
Now, at fifty-four, Hinserov believes he has missed his chance to be young, make money, and drive gorgeous women around in obscene sports cars. “And all for what?” lamented Hinserov. “A chance to be a grade-A music nerd practicing my oboe alone until Old Widow Mayburn starts hitting her ceiling with a broom and telling me to stop that ‘racket’?”
Hinserov, who is slated to perform in an upcoming GRSO concert series downtown, said he will accept his fate and not try to claim what his shortsightedness has denied him.
-The Editors
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Mayor Bloomberg Sports Skinny Jeans At Press Conference
New York, New York— The tragically hip and pervasively cool mayor of America’s Big Apple demonstrated his relevance and his hipster leanings when he showed up in a pair of black, faded skinny jeans at his weekly press conference where he fielded questions about his controversial soda pop laws.
New York hipsters swooned as Bloomberg took the stage with a rakish and cavalier smirk while reporters gawked at his red-and-black-checkered flannel shirt that the Mayor wore untucked and unbuttoned. Upon closer examination, those present noticed the Mayor was wearing black canvas shoes with Sharpie® graffiti on the soles and had dyed his hair dark black and combed it disrespectfully across his forehead on an insolent slant.
Eyewitnesses say that the room became silent as the Mayor took the podium, looked from side to side while slouching impudently, flipped his bangs out of his eyes only to have them fall immediately back, and said, “Shoot.”
Reporters instantly began snapping photos and yelling questions until the Mayor finally called on a reporter from the New York Post who asked, “Mayor Bloomberg, what precipitated this new look?”
Mayor Bloomberg replied, “Don’t judge me just because I have been drinking twelve-ounce Jones Sodas instead of thirty-two ounce fast food sodas and can now fit into these rebellious, youthful, and provocative skinny jeans.”
Though the Mayor’s actions garnered national attention, some critics fear his playing to the youth may have been a bit too transparent as many New Yorkers continue to find the new laws too hard to swallow.
-The Editors
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South Bend, Ind.— The Shire-esque campus of Notre Dame will be serenaded by the pitter patter of hairy feet when Samwise Gamgee finally gets his grades up enough to enroll.
The renowned Catholic university has no documentation of hobbits’ being enrolled, past or present, making Gamgee the first Fighting Irish hobbit should he be enrolled. The discovery of Gamgee’s possible enrollment was made by one Spenser Douglass who was up late watching old movies on TV when he saw Gamgee desperately attempting to play football for Notre Dame. “I was fully alert all of the sudden,” said Douglass, “and I said, ‘That’s Samwise the Brave!’ but everyone kept calling him Rudy.”
Unfortunately, Douglass fell asleep before learning whether or not Gamgee was admitted to the institution but remains confident that Gamgee will become a Notre Dame football player because Gamgee “promised the black groundskeeper guy he’d run through the Notre Dame Stadium’s tunnel someday, and when Samwise makes a promise, he intends to keep it.”
Initially many doubted that hobbits could play college football because of their small stature (hobbits are small—only children to most people’s eyes), but Gamgee stands poised to become the first hobbit to hike into Mordor and hike for Notre Dame.
-The Editors
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Just Released: Prozac Brought Crying Indian Relief From Depression In His Final Years
The single tear that ran down Iron Eyes Cody’s cheek in the Keep America Beautiful public service announcements (PSA) throughout the seventies formed a river of depression that was eventually dammed up by the antidepressant Prozac.
Cody, the Italian-American actor who played the Crying Indian in the PSA’s, reportedly gave in to his emotions during the filming of the famous PSA and was overwhelmed by the pollution he saw that threatened to destroy his non-native land. Recently, however, friends and relatives of Cody, who died in 1999, announced that Cody spent his last years in drugged bliss thanks to Prozac as he “lay around in his headdress eating pasta and garlic bread and popping Prozac pills.”
No one knows for sure why Cody’s family have chosen to come out with the admission now, but many speculate that the resurgence of interest in the old commercials fueled by idle YouTube surfing in the early hours of the morning has caused the family to release the statement in an effort to help people know that Cody eventually found peace in prescription drugs as Americans continued to gleefully pollute with reckless abandon, paying no heed to the Italian Native American’s earnest plea.
-The Editors
Haven’t seen the Crying Indian commercial? See it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=862cXNfxwmE.
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T-Shirt Confirms Child Is Mommy’s Silly Monkey
Baton Rouge, Louis.— Neighbors and acquaintances stared in open-mouthed disbelief or smug knowing as little baby Michael Carper brazenly displayed a t-shirt that attested to his being his mommy’s silly monkey.
For the first several months of Carper’s life, family members and friends allegedly suspected that the infant was his mommy’s silly monkey, but tact and propriety restrained them from asking until Carper’s mother, Barbara Carper, dressed Carper in the accusatory shirt and displayed him at a family get-together.
Witnesses say that Baby Michael acted as though being mommy’s silly monkey were “no big deal,” and thought only of the stomach underneath the shirt while others at the party wondered why Mrs. Carper had chosen then to reveal the fact and wondered aabout the vehicle of revelation. “I just thought we deserved a more formal announcement,” said Carper’s Aunt Jenny.
The aftermath of the disclosure has been relatively benign, say friends and family members, “considering the nature of the shocking announcement,” and Carper, apparently, intends to continue being his mommy’s silly monkey.
-The Editors
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