Embedded Files
Couple Last To Leave Dinner Party After Exit Strategy Unravels
Lebanon, Penn.— Despite the best-laid plans of Mike and Allison Scherbaum to duck out of a party early, they ended up staying until the end and participating in all forms of banal, mindless small talk with the self-absorbed and halitotic host.
The Scherbaums had what they thought to be an airtight strategy to get in, get fed, and get out of the party without having to waste an entire evening; they even came up with a backup plan in case the first one for some reason fell through, but they never expected the host, Mike’s coworker Phil McBride, to thrust them into such a prominent role at the party and suck them into an all-evening inanity fest.
The Scherbaums, who equally despise any interaction with McBride and his pretentious wife, were allegedly asked by McBride to help organize and codirect the interminably boring games planned for the evening, thus rendering all their escape plans useless. “It was moments before we began executing the exit strategy when he accosted us near the doorway and asked us to help with the games—we were too stunned to think. All our perfect planning unraveled and left us paralyzed. During the games I really believed that he had done something to his clock to slow it down,” said Scherbaum. “Ask my wife; I had to check my watch about fifty times an hour to make sure time hadn’t stopped in some sort of Kafkaesque, Twilight Zone dimensional time flux.”
“It’s true,” said Allison. “He did.”
The Scherbaums claimed to have remained transfixed and physically oppressed under the harrowing and crushing halitosis as McBride spoke unremittingly until long after the last of the partygoers left “as though he knew we were trying to leave and was deriving joy from our obvious pain as we writhed in discomfort.”
“He spoke of things more forcefully tedious and uninteresting than I believed possible,” said Scherbaum, “and he wanted no response or feedback—he just wanted to go on and on and on . . .”
“It was awful,” said Allison in horrified reflection after her husband was unable to continue.
Despite the Scherbaums dreadful evening, they allege that McBride somehow cajoled them into agreeing to go to dinner with them the following weekend. The Scherbaums are already working on more effectual excuses.
-The Editors
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Benjamin Netanyahu and Mahmud Ahmedinajad have decided it’s time things come to blows—literally.
In a terrifying negotiation that swung wildly from civility to impassioned screaming and fiery rhetoric and then back to a form of civility, one assistant, a slight, clerkish man with a bushy mustache, suggested the Rock ‘em Sock ‘em Robots option.
Witnesses claim the room went completely silent as the two embattled leaders turned slowly toward the rash registrar with looks that seemed they could launch a war. Then, amazingly, and to the relief of all present, both men broke into large, Cheshire grins, grabbed each others’ hands, and shook vigorously in enthusiastic acceptance.
After the leaders’ assistants hashed out the details and ground rules, the date was set and the competition was official. The leaders themselves would be the sole manipulators of the robots, and after hours of negotiations, it was agreed that Israel would be represented by red and Iran by blue.
Initially the terms included Iran giving up on their nuclear pursuits upon losing and Israel leaving Iran alone if they should lose. After several more hours of negotiations, however, the terms were reduced to the winner being required to take out an ad that the winner had a fuller, thicker, more luscious head of hair than the loser. Eventually, however, the terms were that the loser would concede nothing, but that they would still play “just for the fun of it.”
Both nations await the scheduled match with national pride and cautious optimism, although Ahmedinajad is the current odds-on favorite to win.
-The Editors
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George W. Bush In New Tell-All Memoir: “I Lifted My Signature Laugh From Eddie Haskell”
Crawford, Texas— Fans and supporters of the indomitable rancher-turned-President George W. Bush were stunned to hear that his infectious and distinctively identifying laugh was borrowed from the halls of Mayfield High.
Baby Boomer generation TV viewers and fans of all ages of the classic television show Leave it to Beaver recall the overly obsequious Eddie Haskell leaving the company of adults and immediately becoming a sneaky, big-talking wise-guy, best known for phrases like, “Hey squirt, is that your face or are you breaking it in for a monkey?” or “Hey Sam, your old man find out about the car?” or “What’s the matter—warden won’t let you out of his sight?” or “Look Sam, if you can make the other guy feel like a goon first, then you don’t feel like so much of a goon” or “Hey, guys, like my new vest? I think it brings out the Peter Lawford in me” or other such clever zingers, all of which he would follow up with his classic, “Hih hih hih!” with his jaw jutting forward, eyebrows high, and hands out, palms up—all the while bobbing his head like a cockatoo.
While whispers and rumors raced through the Internet and LitB-themed chat rooms during Bush’s administration following thousands of instances in which Bush utilized the laugh, nobody expected Bush to openly admit that he had snitched the signature snicker from Ken Osmond’s beloved character Eddie Haskell.
The admission sent shockwaves throughout the LitB and Republican communities, leaving chasms of empty despondency where the two intersected and causing Haskell fans and conservatives to feel they had to choose whom they would remain loyal to like a child choosing between separating parents.
Bush remains hopeful that people will accept his laugh “as a tribute to the genius of [Osmond] rather than a cheap pilfering of a catchy laugh.”
Osmond, a former LAPD officer and current member of the American Legion, refused to comment.
-The Editors
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Local Financial Advisor Briefly Considers, Dismisses Grinding Own Ground Beef
Chesapeake, Virginia.— Andrew Taylonette, a single financial advisor and frequenter of whole foods markets in the ritzy section of Chesapeake, briefly perpended the possibility of home-ground beef.
The thought struck Taylonette when he realized there was a meat-grinding attachment available for his treasured KitchenAid mixer. Taylonette claimed having read somewhere that store-bought ground beef uses “pink slime,” a substance allegedly made of beef byproducts treated with ammonium hydroxide, and thinking that it might be good to make his own ground beef. He claims he even surfed Amazon to price the attachment before thinking to himself, “Eh, forget it.”
Taylonette said he chooses to believe that the hoity-toity grocery stores he patronizes “wouldn’t stoop to using pink slime,” although he has yet to ask them, apparently fearing an undesirable answer.
-The Editors
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John Glenn Reveals He Discovered Planet Of Nerds, Mocked Them
Columbus, Ohio— John Glenn claimed that on his Mercury-Atlas 6 mission he and the crew were warped into an alternate universe in which nerds ruled the earth.
Glenn alleged that the Friendship 7 touched down at what they thought was Cape Canaveral to a starkly different world than he had left. “Nerds were everywhere,” said a winsome and chuckling Glenn. “As I remember it, we had to wade through them just to get to shelter. They were all milling around in polyester short-sleeved shirts and cloth, square-bottomed ties, pecking away at calculators and adjusting their horn-rimmed glasses.”
Glenn described a world in which nerds rode horses through forests and caught grazing, scavenging non-nerds in huge, rope nets to bring them back for study and research. “They caught me in one of the nets,” said Glenn, “and they brought me back to their primitive science labs along with a couple other males and one pretty fetching female who just moaned while staring at everything with big moon eyes. Well I told them, ‘get yer geeky paws off me, you slavish, egg-headed intellectuals!’ at which they jumped back in shock. I guess they figured I couldn’t talk because I wasn’t some double-domed nerd like them. After they released me, I mercilessly mocked them and headed back to my ship, then boom, City of Lights, boom, back to the real earth, boom—and the rest is history.”
When asked why he withheld such groundbreaking information until over fifty years later, Glenn shrugged and said, “It didn’t seem relevant.”
Glenn, who is slated to release his autobiography complete with his top-50 nerd jokes this summer, resides in Ohio with his wife Annie.
-The Editors
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Garden Gnome Prank Ends In Tragedy
Ferndale, Mich.— Neighborhood toughs should have left Humphrey Mostellar’s garden gnomes alone last weekend.
Mostellar, who has been arraigned on three counts of second degree murder, entered a plea of no contest after being led in police custody to the courthouse Monday. “Them kids shoulda’ just left my gnomes alone,” Mostellar was heard to have muttered while entering the courtroom.
Mostellar, who owns and displays an extensive collection of garden gnomes in his landscaping and yard, has allegedly had a long-standing feud with boorish neighborhood punks intent on driving Mostellar crazy by rearranging his gnomes and staging gnome weddings, gnome wars, and mass gnome suicides in Mostellar’s yard during the night. Neighbors allege hearing Mostellar threaten to get his shotgun and “blow the boys punk heads off” almost weekly, but most said they just laughed it off as “crazy ol’ Mostellar just blowing smoke.” No one actually expected him to do it.
Then at about 3:30 a.m., neighbors say they heard huge explosions and called the police. When the smoke had cleared, police carried off in body bags three teenage troublemakers who had staged their last gnome drama. Ironically, the scene playing out in the yard amongst the gnomes was a gnome cop negotiating peace with a psycho, gun-wielding gnome vigilante.
Neighbors confess they aren’t quite sure what will become of the garden gnomes, but many hope to see them find a nice home where they will be as loved as they were by Mostellar before he was arrested.
-The Editors
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