Embedded Files
Boss Lends Weight To Words By Prefacing Everything With “As A Great Man Once Said”
Troy, Mich.— Employees under Ted Hamada say they’ve gotten wise to Hamada’s little ruse.
“Hamada will give simple instructions in morning meetings concerning business policy,” said employee Randy Kalil, “and say something like, ‘As a great man once said, make sure your computers are shut down before you leave for the day’ or ‘As a great man once said, make sure you empty any uneaten food from the fridge on a regular basis,’ or ‘As a great man once said, you are dismissed.’”
Other employees say that Hamada now prefaces his greetings and small talk with the signature preamble, despite the fact that he never actually mentions any of the great men’s names who allegedly made the statements he quotes.
Hamada has been known to use analogous phrases such as “Someone once said” or “A wise person once said” in addition to his signature catch phrase.
Despite Hamada’s constant usage of the prologues, employees say they are skeptical of whether or not anyone great ever said the things Hamada claims they said, and some of the more cynical employees even believe that Hamada believes himself to be the “great man” in all the quotes.
Although Hamada’s employees remain dubious at best, they quietly and obsequiously agree with everything he says because of his tyrannical policies and alacritous tendency to let people go.
-The Editors
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Mild Winter Leads To Epidemic Depression, Despondence Among Newscasters
The dearth of hype-able death storms in the Midwest this year is leading to mass depression and a lack of purpose among weather reporters.
On a normal year, most newscasters will have hyped ten to fifteen “possibly record-setting” blizzards by February, but in Michigan, for instance, newscasters glumly face the reality that no more than a total of two inches has fallen so far with little danger of mayhem, destruction, and mass pileups.
Connie Wilhelm, a weather reporter for an ABC affiliate near Detroit laments the lack of deadly snowstorms and bemoans her impuissant, paralyzed helplessness to stir even the smallest amount of panic among viewers. “On any normal year I would have whole families cowering in their basements for days at a time with crates of bottled water and imperishable food stuffs to keep them alive during the impending death storm that may or may probably not materialize. This year people impudently walk the streets in defiance of my authority, almost daring me to make it snow.”
Authorities call this epidemic a global warming crisis “far worse than a couple of polar bears on ice floes,” for this crisis may mean “the end of weather casting as we know it.”
-The Editors
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Middle Schooler’s Unfortunate Incident With Sour Milk Seals His Fate Among Peers
Okemos, Mich.— Daniel Archontis fears he will never live down his unfortunate incident involving sour milk and the seat of his pants.
Archontis, who has recently gone through several of his proposed multi-phase changes which include dying his hair blonde, getting contacts, and updating his wardrobe, forebodingly views this setback as insurmountable in his quest to leave his “nerd” persona behind as he finishes up middle school and looks forward to high school.
The incident, claimed Archontis, occurred after his unfortunate choice of seats to enjoy his sack lunch during a field trip to a science center. Archontis alleged that he unwittingly sat in some sour milk. He claimed he smelled “something odious” but that he just figured it was the jocks he had chosen to sit by. To Archontis’ great dismay, when the jocks finished their meals and left, the odor remained. After standing up and sniffing the seat, Archontis’ worst fears were confirmed, and he realized that his denim jean pants had been befouled.
For the entire trip home in the bus, a pungent stench emanated from Archontis, who constantly combated the accusations that he had “pooped his pants” with the unyielding assertion that he had “sat in sour milk,” but whether or not his classmates believed him at that point, alleged Archontis, was irrelevant. The moniker had stuck like curdled milk to trousers, and Archontis’ fate was sealed.
Archontis calculates that this impediment will push back his chances of becoming cool at least 39.4 months, putting him roughly in the last month of his junior year. In the meantime, Archontis has resigned himself to the lonely life of a band, chess club, calculus club, and robotics club member.
-The Editors
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Northerner Wills Himself Impervious To Poison Plants In Southern Forest
Chattanooga, Tenn.— Tom Erskine, using the power of his mind, allegedly developed the ability to touch poisonous plants with impunity.
As Erskine and his wife were visiting family in Tennessee, he found himself with time to kill while his wife and mother-in-law were out shopping and decided to take a walk through his in-laws’ woods. Erskine, wearing shorts, a T-shirt, and flip flips, claimed he found long, thick branch-like vines dangling from the trees and tried to pull them down.
When he retired to the house, he relayed his exploits to his mother-in-law who had just returned. Erskine claimed she gasped and told him that the “vines” he was describing were all covered in poison oak and that that entire area was “crawling with poison ivy, poison sumac, and poison oak.” She then urged him to take a shower using water “as hot as [he] could stand” to try to minimize the effects of the ineluctable, impending contagion.
Although Erskine forewent the scalding shower, he claimed he did “feel confident nothing would happen to [him].” After several days of having no adverse reactions to the plants, Erskine quickly attributed his resistance to his own mental toughness, claiming he pulled himself up by his “proverbial bootstraps” and didn’t allow the plant to best him. “I just think that a lifetime of hard work in the harsh conditions of the North inoculated me against the effects of any little plants down South,” Erskine said.
Erskine believes he had completely eradicated himself of any susceptibility to the poison plants and expects any day now to hear from major drug companies interested in testing his blood and giving him millions of dollars in exchange for a sample of it.
-The Editors
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Know-it-all Wife Of City Councilman Uses Web As Vehicle For Swell-headed, Windbag Insolence
Sterling Heights, Mich.— “Pompous,” “supercilious,” and “uppity” are just a few of the adjectives that Web denizens are using to describe the latest outrageous remarks by Christina Taynandez.
Taynandez, wife of the controversial mayor pro tem of Sterling Heights and owner of the most bemired, filthy, mucky, sordid kitty litter box in her husband’s district, soared to new heights of imperious audacity in a recent comment on the wall of her husband’s cousin’s social media site.
“I was just trying to make a joke about a recent event rocking the sports media in and around Detroit,” said the cousin, Tim Schwartz, “when [Taynandez] openly and condescendingly disparaged anyone who believed what I’d written, even going so far as to question whether such a person could really be a Detroit Tigers’ fan. I know she gets to a few games a year because of her husband’s prominence and shady dealings in the community,” continued Schwartz, “but I know for a fact that her attention is more on the next time the hot dog guy comes around than on the game. I’d be surprised if she knew a can of corn from a Baltimore chop.”
Others have complained about past insensitive comments by Taynandez, and some theorize that her natural inclination to speak her mind without regard to repercussions is magnified when she is typing madly at her Macbook in the privacy of her own living room in between her soaps.
“Maybe instead of trying to sound knowledgeable about the Tigers’ next reliever,” said Schwartz, “she should relieve her kitty’s litter box of waste.”
-The Editors
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Stall Occupant Trash Talked By Unknown Voice
Passaic, New Jersey— Roger Vaitones was minding his own business while using a public restroom when a scornful, taunting voice beside him shattered his serenity.
Vaitones, who has lived in the tight-knit community of Passaic for nearly a decade, stated he was visiting the restroom in the Lucky Foods grocery store when he heard a discomfiting, gravelly voice say, presumably to Vaitones, who claimed he and the unknown verbal assailant were alone in the lavatory, “I’ll see your stench and raise you one odoriferous reek.” Vaitones then described a series of crude and vulgar noises unfit to be replicated or imitated on a family news site.
Vaitones alleged that he left the stall after quickly finishing his business and began washing his hands, but that the voice of the unknown attacker continued to menacingly harangue him his entire way out of the bathroom with insults such as, “Yeah, run, ya’ yella’!” and “You ain’t got what it takes! Yeah, tuck tail and run!” among various noises and guttural guffaws.
While Vaitone feels he has been unfairly targeted with a hate crime and claims he will forever be traumatized and unable to comfortably use public restrooms again, police say that with no physical description of the assailant they have no grounds to begin an investigation.
Police further deny any known serial stall slanderer in the Passaic vicinity and are treating the alleged incident as an isolated occurrence.
-The Editors
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